If outside influences threaten a man’s strength or ability to provide and protect, the man may experience angst, stress, and a desperate desire to regain control. However, since men are less likely than women to share their feelings, silent anxiety affects their relationships in untold ways.
As problem-solvers, men look for the fastest, most effective ways to work through issues, and many think the best way is to do that alone. But therein lies the main challenge for healthy relationship dynamics: He wants to work through it alone and thus fails to communicate it, and his significant other knows something’s wrong, but doesn’t know what it is, and may assume it has something to do with her, even if it doesn’t. So, what do men fear?
1. Do I make enough money?
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Money is a huge issue, but it isn’t only about cash. Research from 2023 states that couples fight the most about money. It’s what the cash represents:
- Self-value: what he believes he’s worth
- Perceived value: by the world, by a superior, by his family, by his family of origin
- Security: for himself, for his family
- Flexibility: lifestyle, providing for his family
- Achievement: self and in the eyes of others
- Future considerations: college for kids, retirement, weddings, vacations
Yes, women also work and contribute to these items, but many men will see making money and meeting financial obligations as their responsibility.
How you can help: Stay active in the finances. Pay the bills — all the bills — together, regardless of who makes what paycheck. A joint effort means that challenges are addressed by both of you, and the stress is shared.
And let him know you’re proud of him. It sounds like such a small thing, but your pride in him will mean a lot.
2. Have I accomplished enough in life?
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Men look back often and wonder:
- What have I done in my life?
- What is my legacy?
- Will I be remembered in some way?
- Is this what I want?
- Am I happy?
- Is the grass greener somewhere else?
This self-evaluation leads to wondering if they are living life to their fullest. How you can help: Talk to him about it without judgment.
What are his short and long-term aspirations? What does he want for himself, and what does he need from you to make it happen? Research from 2014 even shows that writing down your goals will make you more likely to achieve them.
3. Am I going to lose my job?
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His job is a very big deal to him, especially in tough economic times. This fear causes men to focus on their job.
As they put their attention to it, other things suffer from a lack of attention — family, relationships, etc. He’s probably not doing it on purpose, but it leads to women asking why he doesn’t care or put in any effort anymore.
The rub: She doesn’t want to tell him that she feels he’s dropping back because then his renewed effort isn’t “genuine” (read: he didn’t think of it himself, so it isn’t him wanting to).
How you can help: Acknowledge the issue and the stress that accompanies it. Remind him that you are in this together. If life throws you a curve ball, you’ll be there — with him and for him. At the same time, gently remind him that he needs balance.
Jobs and money might come and go … but you are there and that is where his effort needs to be also. 2013 research from The American Psychological Association confirms that too much stress can be bad for your health; remind him about that too.
4. Am I getting old?
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Men do worry about their age and attractiveness. Finding gray hairs, losing eyesight, or getting tired constantly, these insecurities are a combination of societal pressure, self-evaluation, and a sense of nagging mortality.
How you can help: Just like you, he wants to know you still find him attractive. Let him know … and show him.
5. Am I losing my health?
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Whether it’s a result of pure procrastination or invasive tests/probes, many men hate the doctor — until it’s something that cannot be avoided. At the same time, he is worried… he just doesn’t want to know.
How you can help: Remind him that if he wants to see his grandkids’ grandkids graduate, he needs to stay fit and get yearly checks. Research from Northwestern Medicine reminds us that yearly checkups are good for us. Then, make preventative care something you do together.
6. Is my partner satisfied?
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This issue is tricky. He wants to know that he’s “doing his job” in bed, but he doesn’t want to know if he’s not.
How you can help: Talk to him sensitively. If he’s not doing it for you, don’t tell him what he’s doing wrong. Talk to him about what he’s doing right. Research from 2019 states that more intimacy leads to higher marital satisfaction.
The more fun and “no biggie” you make things, the less likely he will be to get a bruised ego. And the payoff with what you do like will increase because he will know and he will want to.
7. Am I a good parent?
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If he’s considering taking the plunge into fatherhood (or is already a father), most men worry about their ability to:
- Pass on what they know
- Not pass on the bad parts of their parents/fathers/childhood experiences
- Be a balanced, good dad
How you can help: There’s no rule book for parenting — it’s a tough gig. Talk to him about your fears about you (because women worry about motherhood, even if nurturing comes naturally for most), and ask him about his fears. By sharing similar issues, you can make it safe for him to be vulnerable.
Above all, women need to know that a man’s fears are his, and nothing she can do will make him get over them. He has to first acknowledge the fear and then start down the path of dealing with them.
While she can create an environment that makes it safe for him to discuss things, it is still his choice to do so. It’s not her job to make him do it, nor is it her failure if he chooses not to. The best thing she can do is be there.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series, The Problem with Women… is Men.
