How to Navigate Age Gap Relationships

From illegal pairings like Elvis and Priscilla Presley (he was 24 and she was 14) to more socially and legally accepted couples like Priyanka and Nick Jonas (she was 35 and he was 25 when things kicked off), age-gap relationships have been a buzzy topic for decades.

More recently, this conversation has migrated to TikTok, with creators debating the ethics of dating younger (or older!). Some TikTokers are even sharing their experiences, outlining how they were underage when they began dating their older partner and that their relationship never suffered from it.

This discourse has left many in a conundrum: is there an age difference too large that the relationship is unhealthy? Can you love a significant other if you’re years older (or younger) than them? We’re here to answer the age-old (no pun intended) question about age gap relationships and whether they’re a recipe for a disaster, a formula for success, or neither.

How Did This All Begin?

Romantic relationships between people with many years between them date back to evolutionary times. Schools of thought once believed age-gap relationships were a product of human nature, where men sought women in their peak reproductive years to have children. Now, there are obvious flaws in this thought process—the greatest being this belief is heteronormative. It goes without saying that queer couples also have relationships with age gaps. But also, coupling with a younger person because they’re supposedly more reproductive is 1) not true and 2) predatory.

Out in the World: Psychological and Social Dynamics

There is something to be said about preferring an older partner. A study found a link between age and confidence, suggesting self-assurance is why younger partners seek out older partners. This same study also reported older partners are more accepting of younger counterparts.

“It goes without saying that many couples with an age gap find each other specifically because of their shared life goals and trajectories, despite their age difference, which is why they work,” says clinical psychologist and holistic therapist Kim Slipski, MA, LMFT.

Power Dynamics, Blurred Boundaries, and More

But, there can be a power dynamic in these relationships, especially if one partner is significantly older than the other. The younger partner could be getting taken advantage of. “I would advise to exercise extra caution when it comes to relationships in which one partner is still a young adult and another is significantly older,” Slipski adds.

“Additionally, if at least one of the partners has children, it can also be important to be extra sensitive to age gaps that place one partner in the same age group as the other partner’s kids,” she asserts. This can mess with the relationship’s structure, blurring boundaries and causing issues between parents and their children.

Do Age Gap Relationships Work?

Curious if an age-gap relationship can work?

Anna’s Story

We asked Anna* about her experience. Anna is a 34-year-old woman in a relationship with a man 14 years her senior. “In my experience, what works well in an age gap relationship is the balance between our different energies and approaches to life,” she shares.

A big part of their component is learning from each other, which she finds fulfilling. But, because of generational differences, she notices that they don’t always get each other’s perspectives right away. “It’s been a learning curve, but it’s one that I enjoy when we’re both open to understanding each other’s perspectives,” she adds.

Carter’s Story

We also asked Carter*, a 47-year-old man in a relationship with a woman 15 years younger than him. The couple has been together for 10 years, married for 5. While he is happy in his marriage, it hasn’t been without its challenges. “In the beginning, it was fun,” he says. “Then, as things got more serious, I realized I had more life experience simply because I’d lived longer.”

He continues, adding that he had to be “hands-off” when watching his partner go through speed bumps he already experienced. “You really have to respect their process,” Carter says. Over time, as they grew together, their relationship became more balanced. Their age gap is something he rarely thinks about now.

When asked about the best part of being in an age-gap relationship, Carter has a unique take. “There isn’t a best part. I didn’t seek out this relationship because she was younger than me,” he says. “We just happened to fall in love with each other, like any other relationship.”

Challenges in Age Gap Relationships

A study on Korean couples found an age gap of over three years resulted in an elevated risk for depressive symptoms, with the odds increasing with every one-to-two years of age difference. This isn’t to say age gap relationships are doomed, but they do come with their own unique set of challenges.

“It’s probably in the [age] gaps that start around 10 years or more that we really start to see certain types of challenges become more prominent,” Slipski notes. Those challenges can range from deciding when to have children to when it is time to head into retirement. She points out that it isn’t uncommon for the younger partner to become a caretaker for an aging partner or experience early loss. 

“When it comes to starting a family and thinking about getting older, we definitely have had some honest conversations,” Anna shares. Some of their biggest considerations include the different timelines and expectations they have for family planning. “Ultimately, these conversations strengthen our relationship because they encourage us to look at life as a team,” she adds.

The Judgment is Real – Here’s How to Cope with Stigma

Then, there’s the stigma of it all. Let us be clear: There can be inappropriate and even abusive relationships, especially when one person is underage or they’re of age but still a young adult and their S.O. is significantly older. This poses an opportunity for a huge power imbalance. Hence, why many raise eyebrows when they see a substantial age difference in couplings, even if the partners are well into adulthood. 

If you’re facing judgment for your relationship, it is important to begin with some honesty and self-reflection. Is there a problematic age difference due to the different life stages you two are in? Do lingering issues of a power imbalance loom? Are you two simply not aligned on your long-term wants and needs?

If you’re feeling sturdy in your relationship and confident it is rooted in mutual respect, relational health, and love, then it is time to implement strong boundaries. Perhaps you’re selective about who you open up about the relationship to or you find polite ways to change the topic when someone inserts unsolicited advice. If the stigma is impacting your relationship, seek a couples therapist who can help you both navigate social situations.

Knowing When Things Aren’t Right

Always trust your gut. If you’re something feels off in your relationship, it probably is. It could be related to your age gap or another underlying issue. If you’re the younger partner and feel like your partner is controlling, demanding, or trying to isolate you, run. These are red flags.

Similarly, if you’re the older partner and feel like your partner is disrespectful to your family, using you, or being generally unkind, leave the relationship if it’s safe. These are also red flags.

If your partner is older than you and often waxes poetic about the benefits of being with someone younger than them, pay attention.

As Carter puts it, “You should never use having more life experience than your partner as a tool for control.”

When in doubt, seek out individual or couples therapy. A licensed counselor can be a helpful ear and guide to navigating any arising conflicts in your relationship.

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

In any relationship, it’s important to keep learning about each other’s personalities, bodies, and worlds. (Psychologists called this building love maps, says Slipski).

Stepping into each other’s shoes can help you understand differing perspectives and life experiences. Slipski also encourages continued close communication to make sure everyone’s wants and needs are expressed and met. Emotional, physical, and sexual needs aren’t constant—they change over time for each partner in an age-gap relationship.

If things are getting bumpy but both parties are committed to seeing the relationship through, consider couples therapy. It is always better to get started at the first whiff of trouble rather than later down the road when communication has deteriorated even further. 

Finally, allow yourself to be fully present. Plenty of couples in healthy and balanced partnerships don’t let their age differences dominate the entire relationship. Anna stands as an example of this. “I don’t think about [the age gap] that much. After a while, it just feels normal and fades into the background,” she says.

*Names have been changed for privacy