Most people are familiar with the concept of love languages. They originated with Gary Chapman’s 1992 book “The 5 Love Languages” and describe the different ways in which people express and experience love.
While love languages are usually discussed regarding romantic relationships, parenting expert Emma Christmas says they are relevant for parents and children too. In a recent Instagram post, she shared a few ways to identify your child’s love language and use that knowledge to strengthen your bond.
Here are 5 secret tests you can use to determine your child’s love language:
1. Words of affirmation
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How to know: If your child frequently seeks compliments, praise, and opinions, words of affirmation are likely their primary love language. Constant questions are another indication of this.
How to speak it back: Let your child hear you say good things about them, whether you directly tell them or not-so-casually allow them to “overhear” you. This doesn’t just have to be verbal — notes from you would also be treasured.
2. Physical touch
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How to know: As the name implies, a child with this love language is most likely a touchy-feely kind of person. They love to be held and cuddled and often reach for you. “You may find that your child settles quickly when you cuddle them,” Christmas added.
How to speak it back: You can have some fun here and create a secret handshake to enjoy with your child. Other things like hugs, high-fives, cuddles, massages, and gentle tickling also work. Just strive to keep in contact with them.
3. Quality time
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How to know: A child who loves quality time will want to be with you. This doesn’t always have to be something big, like a carefully planned outing. It may just mean spending their time with you instead of by themselves while doing a quiet activity.
How to speak it back: Let your child spend one-on-one time with you. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Just running everyday errands with you is often enough. The important thing is that they’re with you, whether it’s at home or somewhere else.
4. Gifts
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How to know: While we typically think of gifts as something you give, they are really a two-way street. A child who loves gifts will love giving and receiving them. If they frequently give you little things they come across and like to receive things that show you’re thinking of them, gifts are probably their love language.
How to speak it back: Gifts can be a fun love language to express to your child as the possibilities are pretty much endless. “Surprise them with their favorite snack,” Christmas suggested, “pick flowers for them, make them something, gift them a photo of you both, write them a card to receive in the post, create a treasure hunt for them.”
5. Acts of service
How to know: A child with this love language likes lending a hand and often completes tasks or chores without any prompting. On the flip side, they may be less likely to do things for themselves.
How to speak it back: The best way to show an acts-of-service child love is by helping them, just like they help you. Things that seem small, like cooking dinner for them or setting up a fun activity, will also go a long way. If you’re at a loss, you can always just ask what they need.
Speaking your child’s love language to them is a way to show them that you care on a deep level. Anyone can do something nice for someone else, but taking the time to truly understand what means the most to your child will show them just how loved they are.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
