All of us mess up now and then when it comes to communication, but frequently, the hurtful errors we make with words are so subtle we might not even realize we’re making them.
Being on the receiving end of this can be confusing, too. What feels completely hurtful to us all too often seems like no big deal to the people we’re in relationships with — or so they say, anyway.
10 invalidating phrases that alienate the people in your life — and that you need to stop using.
Jimmy Knowles, a relationship expert who closely collaborates with psychotherapist Mathias Barker, recently decided to do a sort of compendium of the repeat offenders when it comes to this type of bad communication.
His tough love advice — dripping with sardonic sarcasm — is a sort of primer on what NOT to do in a relationship, whether it’s with your child, your partner, your friend, or your boss.
They’ll also be instantly recognizable to anyone who’s ever felt totally invalidated by someone who seems intent on pushing people away with their words. Or, as Knowles put it, “If it’s your goal to make your partner or child feel completely abandoned and alone, these will probably do the trick — I’m just kidding, please eliminate them from your vocabulary entirely.” Solid advice.
10. ‘You’re imagining things’
“Oh good, gaslighting and invalidation — my least favorite collab,” Knowles sardonically joked. But he’s right. Saying this kind of thing to someone can be deeply hurtful and infuriating. And it’s particularly damaging when said to a child, by the way (don’t ask me how I know).
As psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy explains it, validating a child’s emotions answers a key question in their heads: “Am I real?” Without that sense, they never learn to trust themselves — or anyone else, for that matter. So yeah, can you knock this off, please?
9. ‘I don’t see what the problem is’
“Well, the problem is you refuse to listen to understand what I’m saying, and you keep interrupting, saying, ‘I don’t see what the problem is,'” Knowles snarked. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up!
All too many people don’t seem to realize that they are not the arbiter of other people’s feelings and that is a very strange phenomenon indeed! And in a fun twist, these people are also often the same people who blow up if their own feelings are invalidated.
In any case, saying “I don’t see what the problem is” is downright dumb when the person is literally telling you what the problem is. It’s feigning ignorance to get out of a tough conversation. We see you!
8. ‘Why are you ruining a good day?’
“I’m sorry I tried to share something that was on my heart, won’t happen again,” Knowles joked.
Nobody owes it to you or anyone else to swallow something you did to hurt them just because it would be easier or more “fun.” Being able to be in a relationship with people requires being willing to hear them out, whether it’s convenient or not.
7. ‘That sounds like a you problem’
Knowles had just one word for this one: A deeply sarcastic “awesome.”
Because honestly? Aside from the fact you sound like an 8th grader, it actually sounds like a YOU problem, in that you are clearly not strong enough to handle conflict or open communication. Grow up, and remove this from your vocabulary when you’re done!
6. ‘You’re so sensitive’
“Wow, I feel so valued and respected,” Knowles joked.
There are people out there who are very sensitive — they’re often called “highly sensitive persons,” with their own mental health term and everything. And yes, they can be challenging to deal with if you’re in any kind of relationship with one. But shaming or mocking or dismissing them for it is counterproductive, aside from unkind.
Ever been told to “calm down?” Didn’t work, did it? Same thing here. Quit it.
5. ‘Your feelings aren’t my problem’
Forgive me for this, but PAGING GEN Z. With the way mental health terms have proliferated, and hence been twisted beyond recognition, on social media, many young people love to repeat things like “I don’t owe anybody anything” and “your feelings aren’t my problem” like they’re some kind of highly evolved mantras.
But Knowles put it perfectly in his pithy way: “No, they’re not [your problem], but I was kind of hoping that you cared about how your words impacted me.” If all relationships are to you is a matter of responsibility, prepare to be alone forever.
4. ‘You’re making a big deal about nothing’
See #9 because this is basically the same thing. You are not the arbiter of what is and is not a big deal!
Or, as Knowles put it, “Who died and made you the judge of big deals?” That doesn’t automatically make the other party correct or justified, but if you want to actually be in a relationship with someone, you need to at least be willing to hear them out.
3. ‘I’m sorry that you feel that way’
What are you, a Real Housewife? That’s not an apology, it’s a manipulative dodge employed by someone who doesn’t know how to use their words. It’s also wildly insincere. Or, in Knowles’ parlance, “Are you sorry? It doesn’t seem like it.”
2. ‘I was just kidding; can’t you take a joke?’
Oh look! It’s the number one tactic of narcissists and bullies! Can we all be adults here and just agree that if a joke hurts someone’s feelings, it’s probably not that great of a joke — and probably not even a joke in the first place, but rather an act of aggression you’re laundering by calling it a joke? See also: “pranks” are supposed to leave everyone laughing, not one person crying.
And don’t start in with the whole, “everyone’s too sensitive nowadays, you can’t joke about anything anymore” shuck and jive because we’re not talking about your dumb tight five at a comedy club; we’re talking about an interpersonal relationship.
1. ‘Why can’t you just get over it?’
Oh, I don’t know, perhaps because you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said and have invalidated everything I’ve tried to communicate to you and refuse to take accountability and think you’re the boss of me and my experience and emotions?! Maybe? Perhaps? Just a shot in the dark, you callous, emotionally stunted blow-hard!
I kid, I kid (except not really). But in all seriousness, if you use these phrases, stop — and perhaps even more importantly, if you’ve fallen victim to these phrases, you also probably have a real propensity to direct them at others, too. It’s important to recognize those tendencies and be careful about them.
And then, you know, stop it. Because the basic truth of all of this is when you invalidate someone and shut them down, you paint them into a corner and give the relationship nowhere to go. Unless that kind of ruin is your goal… well, it’s probably best to take a different approach!
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
