Narcissism, a psychological disorder characterized by grandiosity, an inflated sense of self, a need for control, and lacking empathy, according to a study published the journal Behavioral Medicine, often manifests in unsettlingly subtle ways, especially in relationships with close friends and partners.
Fueled by attention-seeking behavior, victimhood, and deflection, there are certain phrases a true narcissist often says to the person they supposedly love. Diverting attention away from their own insecurities and oftentimes lacking emotional intelligence, narcissists flip the script on others — bringing them down to assert their own sense of misguided superiority, even over the people they’re closest to in their lives.
Here are 15 phrases a true narcissist often says to the person they supposedly love
1. ‘You’re overreacting’
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According to a study published in Personality and Individual Differences, narcissists are emotional shape-shifters who generally utilize invalidation and manipulative tactics to sabotage other people’s emotional well-being to get what they want. By dismissing and invalidating other people’s genuine emotions, they flip the script, hoping to confuse others with their own frustration and emotional chaos.
By shifting blame away from themselves, especially in response to their own hurtful language and deceit, with a phrase like this narcissists can manipulate the people they supposedly love for their own gain.
2. ‘It’s your fault’
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By making other people believe that their own mistakes and hurtful behaviors are actually your fault, narcissists spark a sense of general confusion in their loved ones’ lives. Gaslighting them with passing phrases like “It’s your fault,” they avoid taking true accountability and feed into a cycle of toxicity and resentment with their partners, friends, and families.
3. ‘You’re crazy’
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Narcissists are ego-centric, according to a study published by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, meaning they live in a world of distortion largely influenced by their need for superiority, control, and admiration. Fueled by external validation, they avoid taking the blame for their mistakes, and instead gaslight other people into taking it for them.
Similar phrases a true narcissist often says to the person they supposedly love revolve around this mindset, where they create vague lines between the important and non-important parts of a relationship, and weaponize the emotional needs and love they’re supposed to give out unconditionally.
4. ‘I didn’t mean it like that’
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A meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin argues that narcissists try to incite confusion and frustration in their partners to incite arguments that allow them to divert blame. Using phrases like “I didn’t mean it like that,” they can dismiss other people’s emotions and spark this confusion, feeding into their own externally fulfilled ego and superiority.
5. ‘It’s just a joke’
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By victimizing themselves, narcissists avoid accountability for their mistakes and hurtful comments, even when they’re said under the guise of humor. A hurtful comment, regardless of the tone it’s delivered in, should be addressed.
A 2018 study on narcissism argues that in conjunction with tone, there’s other body language tactics narcissists rely on to both demean, dismiss, and win back the people in their lives. “Narcissists may maintain distinct, thick, and dense brows to enhance recognition,” the researchers argued, something they’re all looking to achieve in their relationships.
By noticing small microexpressions, and more specifically, the expression their eyebrows tell, people can better pick up on a narcissist’s manipulative behaviors.
6. ‘You’re too sensitive’
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Trauma recovery coach Julie L. Hall argues that narcissists often target the victim of their hurtful comments or actions with a passive-aggressive phrase like “You’re too sensitive,” in conjunction with closed-off and negative body language. By utilizing their plausible deniability, they shift away from taking accountability by degrading and dismissing other people’s true frustrations.
“When abusers reframe their abuse this way,” Hall says, “they sidestep accountability and undermine the scapegoated person’s sense of reality so they doubt themselves and hesitate to call out the abuse.” Oftentimes, this behavior can be subtle and go unnoticed in relationships, especially when they’re romantic or familial, as there’s already a lot of energetic investment in these connections.
7. ‘You made me do this’
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Another way narcissists avoid taking accountability is by victimizing themselves in the face of threats to their superiority or ego. By attempting to elicit sympathy from others, oftentimes alongside their own abusive behavior, their partners often repress their own concerns and emotions for the sake of keeping the peace and avoiding dismissive encounters.
Hall adds to the narcissist framework, suggesting that they rely on their own unrealistic expectations, lacking empathy, and hypersensitivity to craft their own victimhood — even at the expense of a truly healthy relationship dynamic.
8. ‘Nobody else wants you’
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Especially in romantic relationships, narcissists will actively attack and degrade their partner’s emotional well-being, confidence, and self-esteem by suggesting “nobody else wants them,” and that there’s something inherently wrong with their commitment or identity. Feeding into this narrative, they constantly utilize dismissive tactics, blame-shifting, and self-victimization, even in seemingly innocuous ways.
This isolation, at the hands of a narcissist to control, often sparks feelings of hopelessness, desperation, and loneliness in a partner, urging them to feel obligated to protect the sanctity of their current relationship by repressing their own emotions, avoiding conflict, and pleasing people.
9. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you’
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Narcissists tend to use weaponized flattery and praise to control their partners in a relationship and win back their affection and commitment even moments after manipulating, gaslighting, and degrading them. To keep their partner feeling obligated and responsible for protecting their well-being, they continue to add to their emotional burdens, oftentimes sparking people-pleasing behaviors.
10. ‘Loyalty is a privilege’
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According to a study from Psychological Inquiry, narcissists always expect more than they give in relationships, whether it’s emotional support, chores, or even quality time. They feel a sense of entitlement that sparks transactional relationships, urging people to “work for” their kindness, loyalty, and admiration.
This general mindset is what misguidedly justifies their toxic behavior, even to the point of larger deceit like infidelity or dishonesty.
11. ‘You’re the one that’s controlling’
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Narcissists will often shift blame to victimize themselves, especially if they believe they “have something to gain” from hurting their partner and making them feel guilty. They truly believe they’re innately more important and valuable than others, which helps them to avoid the inner turmoil and responsibility associated with deflecting blame.
12. ‘Let’s not talk about me. The problem is you’
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Mental health coach Darius Cikanavicius suggests that many narcissists will project to confuse and invalidate their partners — calling them controlling, rude, toxic, or manipulative, even in the face of their own outright mistreatment. They believe they’re entitled to your time, energy, money, and emotional support, even at your own expense, so when you actively set boundaries, they take it as an “aggression” against themselves.
This is not just what fuels their tendency to project hurtful feelings and misguided labels upon you, it also sparks their victim narrative, as they feel like every boundary you set or action you say “no” to is a direct attack upon them.
13. ‘Everyone else thinks I’m right’
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To spark doubt in their relationships, many narcissists will bring other people into a conflict or conversation to further support their superiority and control over the narrative. Manipulating their partner’s perception of reality, they shift blame and victimize themselves into avoiding accountability for their own mistakes and comments.
This inherently defensive state can be incredibly emotionally exhausting for a narcissist’s partner, as they fall into a cycle of voicing their repressed concerns, only to end up more confused taking the blame for the same actions.
14. ‘I can never do anything right to you’
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Deflecting and projecting their own abusive behaviors onto their partners, using phrases like “I can never do anything right to you” is another way narcissists can manipulate others into thinking they’re the perpetrator of their own mistreatment.
While a study published in Psychological Bulletin argues that narcissism slowly declines as we age, partners in these abusive and toxic relationships should prioritize people that make space for their concerns and don’t immediately deflect any conflict with their misguided victimhood now. Their toxic behaviors only feed into our own identities and general emotional health over time, ruining our coping and communication skills even after we remove ourselves and start a new relationship.
15. ‘No wonder nobody likes you’
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By isolating their partners, degrading their personality and individual identity, narcissists can slowly assert their control and dominance over a relationship. The more isolated, fatigued, and depressed their partner is, the easier they are to manipulate and project onto.
Not only is this incredibly toxic for a relationship, it leaves long-term consequences on their partners general well-being, self-esteem, and emotional health.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
