Why Do I Always Attract Toxic Partners?

Does it ever feel like you just make the same dating mistake over and over again? You tell yourself that you’ll stop ignoring the red flags, stop accepting less than what you deserve, stop staying in relationships (or even situationships) that no longer serve you. And yet, it feels like you only repeat the cycle every time you date someone new. Is your love cursed? Are you doomed to be in toxic relationships?

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: sometimes you’re drawn to harmful relationships. You mistake the psychological traps for safety, look at the red flags and just see the color green. But you can stop this toxic behavior and consciously choose healthy partnerships. This guide, below, shows you how.

Definition of a Toxic Partner 

Before we figure out how to break free from a toxic relationship, let’s talk about what a toxic relationship *actually* is. Nowadays, everyone’s calling their ex toxic or a narcissist, but not every difficult partner fits that label. Relationships will have their ups and downs and tough problems to work through.

Subtle and Obvious Signs

• Disrespect: When you bring up how you feel or express a different perspective, they brush off your comments. Your feelings and thoughts don’t matter as much as theirs does.
• Emotional immaturity: They can see that you’re upset, but what matters is them. How they feel, their needs, and how right they are.
• Selfishness: There is no reciprocity in the relationship. You give and they take. They aren’t curious about what’s happening in your internal reality. What matters is their interpretation of your relationship.
• Blaming: They blame you for their actions, “You made me do this! You made me go crazy! I’m not the problem, you are!” They may manipulate your perspective to gain control and make excuses for their behavior.
• Lack of accountability: It’s not their fault, it’s your fault. They expect endless grace for their mistakes but rarely consider your side. They’re the victim, not you.
• Trust issues: They don’t trust you, even if you’ve given them no reason to trust you. Worse, they can’t forgive you for past conflicts and hold onto old grudges.
• Lack of support: You share your emotional issues and don’t feel meaningfully supported. Instead, you leave some conversations feeling misunderstood, demeaned, frustrated, inadequate, and disconnected.
• Toxic communication: Communication is riddled with assumptions, mind-reading, defensiveness, criticism, unfair fighting, and combative energy. Many unresolved issues get swept under the rug, and you begin walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
• Low self-esteem: Boundaries get pushed, diminishing your sense of self and perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. You no longer feel confident in decision-making and begin doubting your judgment.

The confusing part is that there are still good moments. That’s why you stay. You remember the times when everything felt perfect, and you can feel how much they care for you.

This lack of self-attunement makes it hard to remember your worth, preventing you from leaving an unhealthy situation.  

Recurring Patterns and Factors Influencing Partner Choice 

For years, I found myself drawn to the emotionally unavailable mysterious types. No matter how different they seemed, the dynamic was the same: they were intense, volatile, unreliable, and often too overwhelmed by their emotions to meet my needs. It created a dysfunctional pattern that replayed in every relationship. 

I can see now this was rooted in a Freudian concept called repetition compulsion—the subconscious pull to repeat patterns from our past in an attempt to heal and “master” the trauma, even when it causes more harm. When we aren’t able to make the unconscious conscious, we end up perpetuating that cycle over and over again. I was chasing versions of my emotionally unavailable father, who was never able to meet my mother’s needs. 

I thought my past partners were more empathetic and vulnerable than they actually were. In response to their self-absorption, I found myself making myself smaller and smaller until I had no needs at all–just like my mother who spent years doing the same thing with my father. That past trauma created a hyper-independent personality and kept me trapped in a cycle of disappointment. 

Attachment Styles Matter, Too

Attachment styles played a huge role in this. With an anxious attachment style, I was attracted to avoidant partners who maintained just enough distance to keep me hooked. It was a recipe for instability. But it felt familiar because it was all I ever knew.

Psychology calls it the mere exposure effect or the familiarity bias, a heuristic in which familiarity breeds attraction and we prefer familiar options over unfamiliar ones. 

Identification of Common Traits Among Past Partners 

Start looking for patterns in your dating history. This exercise will help you discover any recurring themes and behaviors. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What types of people do you go for? 
• How does the image of your “type” limit you to a certain kind of person who may not be capable of deep intimacy?
• Are there qualities (empathy, patience, vulnerability, etc.) that may unintentionally attract toxic relationships? 
• How do these relationships usually end? 
• Are there common factors in the breakup? 
• What have your former partners’ behaviors or words told you about yourself?
• How does it feel familiar to what you experienced in your childhood?
• What story are your partners telling you about yourself?
• Did you accept behaviors that were unhealthy? If so, what were they? 
• Do you find yourself looking for love from the same kinds of people? 

Now, journal about the specific folks you’ve been attracted to:

• What qualities did they have in common?
• Was there a consistent lack of some important qualities you needed–emotional availability, empathy, awareness? 
• Why did you accept the relationship despite it missing core values?
• Did you ever feel like you were “too much” for wanting certain things, like respect or commitment?
• Did you find yourself compromising on your needs and values to keep the relationship going because of what you hoped they would give you? 

Recognizing those patterns can help you avoid being attracted to toxic partners in the future. 

Strategies for Recognizing and Changing Harmful Patterns

After recognizing harmful patterns, the next step is learning how to trust your intuition. In a toxic relationship, early on you might think: Something is wrong. I’m not sure if this person is not good for me. I don’t feel like I can be myself around them. Instead of dismissing your instincts because you’re excited by the potential of their love, pay attention to where that voice is coming from. 

Another approach is to date outside of your usual type. It may be helpful to expand past superficial dating filters (height, age, background, immediate attraction) so you can prioritize green flags, like kindness, understanding, honesty, and steadiness. When you look out for healthy, mature, and self-aware signals before making things more serious, you’ll end up in healthier relationships. Embrace your non-negotiables and let go of any connections that can’t fundamentally offer those traits from the beginning. 

Finally, share openly with trusted loved ones. Seeking their perspective as you date can tell you what they’re noticing, so you stay grounded. As you date, practice boundary-setting and getting into the habit of journaling to track patterns and view your partners accurately.  

Importance of Self-Awareness

I finally faced my own story when I ended up in the most toxic relationship of my life. It was the biggest wake-up call. I realized I couldn’t keep attempting to write a new happily ever after with the same dysfunctional characters. I was done trying to get my needs met from men who weren’t capable of giving it to me in the first place. 

Remember, self-awareness is valuable, but so is self-compassion. You might experience the urge to blame yourself for getting into painful relationships. Forgive yourself for missing the signs and sticking around longer than you should have. You can’t change what’s already happened, but you can gratefully acknowledge the changes you’re making now. Moving forward, you can feel confident knowing you’ll welcome healthier relationships. 

Finding the right support can be key. A therapist specializing in self-esteem, relationship dynamics, or attachment styles can be an ally to find clarity, process your relationship experiences, and guide you through each step of your journey.

Takeaways 

No one ends up in a toxic relationship because we actively choose it. We’re all trying our best, and sometimes we have baggage and blind spots that get in our way. 

Every relationship, no longer how painful, can teach us something essential about who we are. These toxic experiences do not define the love we deserve. Toxic exes are never a reflection of your worth—they’re simply mirrors showing the parts of yourself searching for healing. As you align with a new dating mindset, you’ll attract relationships that are growth-oriented, reciprocal, and respectful.