Most of us tend to fall into either the “good with money” or “bad with money” camp, and it’s often assumed it’s just part of our personality or all about our level of discipline. However, our relationship with money usually goes far deeper than that.Â
Psychologist Dr. Ali Fenwick, known on TikTok as @moderndaypsychologist, recently dug into this issue. She explained that our money habits — good and bad — are often direct results of our childhood struggles, even if they had nothing to do with money.Â
In short, you’re not necessarily “cheap” or “bad with money” simply because that’s how you are. It’s probably a trauma response manifesting in one of four ways.
Here are 4 common money habits of people who had a tough childhood:
1. Deprivation can make you hoard money
This one makes total sense, of course. Fenwick said that “past experiences of deprivation” can turn you into an adult who’s… well, a bit of a cheapskate.Â
However, it goes beyond mere frugality. You might become the type who hoards money because you’re convinced a crisis of “scarcity or loss” is coming down the pike. In essence, you become hypervigilant.
Ideally, everyone should be saving for a rainy day, of course — a crisis will roll along eventually; that’s just part of life. But we’ve likely all known a person who’s SO frugal it’s to their own detriment. They, as well as their partners and kids, miss out on things because they’re so afraid to spend a dollar. That’s trauma at work.
2. Compulsive spending can be a coping mechanism
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Think of this as the pendulum swinging in the other direction from the above. When we’re triggered, we reach for all kinds of things to soothe ourselves. Going on a shopping spree is the perfect antidote for pushing away those negative feelings we don’t want to confront.
It’s also a potentially ruinous one, of course. Even if we’re not the type to compulsively spend a whole paycheck, all those little “gifts” we buy to comfort ourselves can really add up — and keep us from reaching our full potential down the road.
The point is, though, if you’re a bit of a spendthrift, the conventional wisdom is that you’re just irresponsible and too self-indulgent. But if you have trauma, that really may not be the case, and having grace for your bad habit is the first step to shedding it.
3. If you grew up poor, you may be afraid of success
This is paradoxical, of course — you’d think you’d be even more driven to succeed, right? And many people who grew up poor are deeply motivated to rise above the conditions they grew up in.
However, just as many people are afraid of actually reaching their goals. Experts say this tendency is understudied, but its impacts are well-known. A study led by Notre Dame University found that procrastination, self-sabotage, and avoidance of key decisions and financial issues are the most common outcomes.
Speaking from experience as a person who grew up this way and definitely has this tendency, I think it comes down to the simple fact that we are creatures of habit.Â
When you grow up poor, you know how to be poor, whereas abundance is utterly foreign. So you subconsciously ensure you stick to what you know — especially because it means you won’t have to face the risk of finally getting everything you want, only for it to be snatched away again.
4. Neglect can result in poor boundaries with others when it comes to money.
Fenwick said that if you suffered emotional neglect as a kid, you might make spending on others a means to seek out the validation you were denied in your upbringing. That means you likely lack healthy boundaries around money when it comes to others.
It’s important to note this can take two forms — being easily taken advantage of by those who know you’re way too free with your cash; or being kind of overbearing, buying things for people they didn’t ask for or didn’t want in ways that can feel undermining, like spending lavishly on a niece or grandchild.
Either way, the impacts are obvious — you overspend, and while it might feel good for a moment, it doesn’t ultimately address that core feeling of neglect.
Taking a moment to examine how your patterns with money might be informed by your past might open up a pathway toward healing a bigger issue. It’s all too easy to just say you’re a tightwad or an irresponsible spendthrift, but the truth is likely a lot deeper, and worth examining.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
