What makes a person in a marriage or committed relationship want to cheat? This is an age-old question that we all want answers to. Despite research that suggests a cheating gene is ingrained into some men’s DNA (really? *rolls eyes*), the real answer depends on whether you’re talking about a woman or a man. Several credible infidelity studies have found that men and women cheating on their spouses give different reasons to justify their extramarital affairs.
Cheating was one of the subjects I covered with 1,200+ women and 400+ men in my research to write The Problem with Women… is Men: The Evolution of a Man’s Man to a Man of Higher Consciousness: Volume 1. The results were fascinating.
Aside from infidelity being identified as one of the four core flaws in men (as discussed in my book), the sad truth is that being caught — albeit subconsciously — was the long-term goal.
After interviewing more than 1,600 people, there are five core reasons men & women cheat:
1. Women reported that they cheat mostly for emotional reasons, which highlights the contrast in how the genders identify the “reasons” for intimacy. The top reasons why women cheat are the following:
- Lack of emotional intimacy
- Marital or relationship unhappiness
- Reaffirm her desirability
- To re-experience feelings of romance
- Loneliness
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2. Of the men polled, 80 percent openly admitted to cheating largely for physical or intimate gratification with no emotional tie. Rounding out the top reasons why men cheat include:
- I want to have a variety
- Presented with an opportunity to be intimate without getting immediately caught
- Satisfy curiosity about being with a particular person
- The “thrill of the chase“
- The desire to feel important or special (an ego boost)
However, in delving further into the men’s reasons, I discovered that most men felt that they were “unable to get out of their relationship” before their infidelity, which translated into the simple fact that they lacked the skills or respect to discuss their unhappiness with their significant other maturely.
In short, they acknowledged that they were unhappy and looking for a way out… but they couldn’t bring themselves to pull the trigger on the relationship. If they cheated and got caught (most long-term cheaters do get caught), they could quickly turn the tables, telling their spouse how it was not their fault they cheated because of this reason and that (not enough intimacy, boredom, etc.).
I get it; monogamy isn’t for everyone, and that’s all good. But, if you’ve made promises, stick to them. If you’re unwilling to stay faithful, at least have the decency and respect (and self-respect) to close one chapter before beginning another. (According to statistics from the Institute for Family Studies, 20% of men and 13% of women admit to having an affair.)
Cheating is a choice, period, so make your choice.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series, The Problem with Women… is Men.
