Women who get played by men aren’t “dumb” or “inexperienced.”
Smart women get played all the time, and not because the guy is bright or smooth, but because his sketchy story has enough tangible possibility for it to be believable.
Moreover, these “players” aren’t useless men. They watch and wait — predators of a sort — and fill a specific need that a woman is looking for in a relationship. And not just any need, but a core need she wants to have filled: affection, security, attention, freedom, romance, etc.
Once those needs start getting filled, she starts ignoring the glaring red flags of his other behavior. It’s not a matter of intelligence or gullibility. It’s more about the natural human need for connection, and how our instinct is to trust others — sometimes to our detriment.
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Men might meet a core need for a partner, but nothing more — and that’s where smart women go wrong.
Because his romantic repertoire is meager (at best), he begins dropping back and/or not fulfilling her other critical wants and needs, but her initial core need is still being met. Research from The Gottman Institute states that a good partner tries to meet their significant other’s needs.
This is a dangerous death spiral for her self-esteem, as she begins wondering why he’s filling one but not the rest, so she thinks she “must not be worth it.” Her feelings of inadequacy lend themselves to her trying more and more and putting up with worse and worse behavior … until he leaves. Having low self-esteem, according to research from 2019, can even cause anxiety and depression.
She then wonders what she did wrong, and what she did to deserve him treating her so poorly. Her self-esteem has taken multiple hits, and she needs a boost. Sometimes, another wrong guy begins filling that core need, and the cycle repeats.
The way to get through this is this realization: In any relationship, there is always a trade-off. There will be needs of yours that can be met, and others that your partner can’t possibly meet because they either aren’t aware, don’t have the skills or simply don’t want to.
Apart from met or unmet needs, if the relationship is based on holding you at arm’s length emotionally, physically, or spiritually, the trade-off is most often too unbalanced for any long-term success.
Better to cut things off sooner than later and seek your companionship in a place where it can be met and appreciated.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series, The Problem with Women… is Men.
