Starting your own family by having children, or building a new family of your choosing is a challenging and invigorating experience. We traditionally define family in genetic and legal terms, but the definition of family is way beyond a name on a certificate registered with the state.
Family is there for you, family is support, family is sanctuary, family is fun, family is love. You can choose your own family and build a life of love and support.
Here are seven ways to build a family you don’t have to run away from:
1. Carefully consider cutting contact with toxic members
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I’d made the unbelievably tough choice to go “low contact” with my mother 20 years ago. I decided after years of careful consideration, months of therapy, and a lifetime of dealing with a mom who always put her men before her kids. This pattern started with my verbally abusive father and continued with a string of other guys.
When I distanced myself from my mother, it was anything but an impulsive move. It only happened when I had finally accepted the hard, undeniable truth that her love life was far more important to her than her grandchildren and me.
A study in The Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science supports that my decision wasn’t a rash one. I was 40 years old at the time, married with two young sons, and working as a teacher. When my older son was diagnosed with autism, my mother didn’t offer up even a speck of compassion. She pretended it didn’t happen and went about business as usual, talking incessantly about her boyfriend.
— McKenna Meyers, Author on estrangement
2. Take radical personal responsibility
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I can only work on myself, and I must continue to grow and look for opportunities to improve my relationship skills. Healthy families have conflict and they are able to work through the conflict.
Research published in Psychological Reports supports that if you are avoiding difficult conversations because you are afraid of other people’s reactions, you need to expand your skill set so you know how to discuss difficult issues with confidence. You can’t control how other people will respond, but you can control yourself.
— Jennifer Hargrave, The Compassionate Divorce Attorney & Owner of Hargrave Family Law
3. Lead by example
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To build a solid family, you have to be a solid person. Consider yourself a foundation stone in your family’s life. Whatever your struggles may be — low self-esteem, poor emotional regulation, attachment issues, or general difficulty building or holding on to healthy relationships — confront your problems and work on yourself!
See a therapist and read as much as possible to learn how others heal from issues you struggle with. If you are a parent or plan to be one, now is the time to get your inner life in order.
Learning how to be calmer, more self-confident, and centered on positive vs. negative emotions, opens the door to family stability, as suggested by research from Saint John’s University. It is key to building a family life that brings you lasting joy.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist
4. Make your own version of chosen family
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I have cobbled together my own chosen family over the years. From my dearest sister-friends to our neighbor Aunties, who help me tame my wild child four-year-old and commiserate with my adolescents’ sometimes questionable choices, my chosen family has had my back in more ways than I can count.
Encouraging our children to establish a network of close friends outside of our family circle is one of the best ways we can support them into their adult lives. Research from The American Psychological Association helps explain how their chosen families emotionally support them in ways others just can’t, and those friendships can survive decades and will, fingers crossed, survive me.
I have found that ‘family’ holds a much different meaning within the LGBTQIA+ community. Many of my older friends were unfortunately summarily ousted from their families of birth upon coming out, and over the decades have formed their own families with whom they share holidays, birthdays, celebrations, and sorrows, and those families are sometimes more close-knit, respectful, and kind than some biological families I know.
— Melissa Corrigan, Author on estrangement
5. Create a better living situation
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Take, for example, the dire situation faced by Kristin Batykefer, who moved into her family friends’ 4- 4-bedroom Florida home with Kristin’s four-year-old daughter when she lost her job and her marriage fell apart.
Several months later, Kristin’s best friend, Tessa Gilder, also went through a divorce. Tessa had two children, including a daughter the same age as Kristin’s. Kristin then invited Gilder to join her, and Tessa moved from Colorado to live with her former college roommate and all of their children in Batykefer’s Florida home.
As Kristin explained it: “When I had to leave my husband, all I could think about was how I now had to figure out how to do everything on my own — buy a house on my own, pay my bills on my own, and raise my child on my own,” a situation faced by many single parents according to the Congressional Research Service.
Kristin admitted she never thought about finding another single mom to live with. “We just fell into it.” But now they wonder why more people have not considered joining forces like this.
— Ronald Bavero, Attorney
6. Set healthy boundaries
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Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial in untangling unhealthy family dynamics:
Identify boundaries: Determine what boundaries are necessary for your emotional well-being based on your values, as suggested by a study in the Affective Science Journal. Remember values are personal and subjective. These could involve personal space, privacy, or limits on certain topics of conversation. Know what’s a “Oh, no thank you!” for what you are not willing to tolerate.
Communicate boundaries: Communicate your boundaries to your family respectfully and assertively. Explain why these boundaries are important for you. If someone needs to be right even when you believe they’re wrong and where apologies either don’t come or mean nothing — why even bother engaging unless you enjoy constant conflict?
Enforce boundaries: Be prepared to enforce your boundaries if they are crossed. This may involve calmly reiterating what does not work for you or temporarily distancing yourself if necessary. If someone speaks to you in a condescending tone, call it out and simply say you will be walking when spoken to this way.
Respect others’ boundaries: Respect the boundaries of other family members as well. If you see where someone holds a belief that differs from yours, accept you are different. We don’t all need to agree. Avoid trying to convince someone of your “right opinion”. Mutual respect means allowing others to think and behave in whatever way works for them and having this same freedom.
— Carolyn Hidalgo, Spiritual Coach
7. Adjust your emotional mindset
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Zach is emotionally sophisticated. Brian is not. Zach’s style of communication is talking through a problem. Brian wants things written down. Zach is willing to jump into the deep end of the pool. Brian is wearing an inner tube in the spa.
How do two people reach the level of one-ness when one is terrified of the deep connection? For starters, it should never be about who is “right,” it’s about finding ways to communicate that keep each person intact.
Zach needs to help Brian by writing. That’s where Brian feels safest. Brian needs to help Zach by talking. That’s where Zach feels whole.
A study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology shows that for Brian to lose his fear of intimacy, he needs to share stories of his childhood about times when he felt vulnerable, marginalized, teased, or threatened. Then, if he chooses to, he can re-tell those stories — as he wished they had ended.
This will give him power over his fear and bring him to a place of trust. Zach simply must listen and be supportive.
— Pegi Burdick, certified financial coach
Birth certificates, marriage licenses, and adoption papers are only ink on paper and say nothing of the love and support you will or won’t receive. Adverse life experiences can cause us to redefine what family means, especially when the family you have experienced is merely a legally binding document void of commitment or support.
Choosing your own family and building a healthy and supportive interwoven bond is possible when you are coming from your center of love.
Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He’s been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.
