Relationships and marriage take more work than we ever imagined. They challenge us to look at our foibles, fears, and personal struggles deep within. I have seen people push through intense pain and disappointment in their marriage and come out on the other end to find their relationship on a better level, one which they never imagined possible.Â
However, no growth is gained without discomfort and struggle. So, whether you have been married twenty years, or divorced with a strong faith in the next chapter in your life, take these ideas to heart.
If couples can master these five skills, their marriage will work forever:
1. Listen with genuine attention
I mean listen. I call this “listening with attention.” Research from 2023 found that couples who actively listen to each other experience higher levels of intimacy, trust, and better conflict resolution.
Look at your body language when you listen to your boss at work, a small child, or when you’re on a first date. We are engaged, making eye contact, and not distracted.Â
We are showing the person on the other end, “What you are saying is important to me.” This is how you should be listening to your partner when he or she speaks to you. Show him or her that you care.
2. Understand who your spouse really is
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Your partner isn’t you and never will be. Just as you must understand, it would certainly help if you took the time to understand your partner, who they are, and how they think and feel in the world. The more you understand them, the easier it will be for you to feel connected.Â
Research from The Gottman Institute states that understanding your partner is the best way to get through tough times. Don’t underestimate the power of understanding and the positive trickle effect it creates within a relationship.
3. Learn to let some things go
Your partner is not perfect and neither are you. We all will make mistakes throughout any relationship and it’s key to learn how to pick your battles.Â
Be judicious and bring up matters only when it’s worth the battle for both your sakes. 2020 research from The American Psychological Association states that learning to let go of past resentments allows for better emotional well-being.
4. Be more present at home
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With social media, the internet, TV, and mobile gadgets, we now live in an age where folks are more disconnected than ever. When the day ends, we allow our phones, TV, and computers to keep us from simply enjoying the company of our loved ones.Â
You know your part when it comes to this matter, so be accountable and take the time to connect with your spouse without distractions. One study from 2016 found that being on your phone too much can hurt a relationship.
5. Focus on your part of the marriage
Why? Because the only person you have the power to change and be accountable for is you. The more you obsess over your partner’s actions, the less you can react to a situation in a smart, mature way.Â
When couples get locked into the “he did this” and “she did that” dance, they might as well go jump into a pool of mud and start flinging dirt at each other. In other words, the “blame” dance will only make the conflict snowball.
Start implementing these steps ASAP. You have nothing to lose and only a happier relationship to gain.
Carin Goldstein has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for over 10 years. She also writes about relationships and marriage and has shared her expertise in various magazines and websites such as Cosmopolitan, Women’s Daily, and Redbook.
