How to Deal With Family Drama During the Holidays

The holiday season is a time of festivities, family, and fun—or at least, it’s supposed to be. But what happens if the “family” part of the equation negates the other two?

Tensions can run high in families during the holidays, and often results in lots of family drama. Here’s how to deal with it.

Preparation Before the Holidays

“‘Family drama’ has a pretty wide definition, which could range from ‘We disagree on many things’ to ‘I am concerned my relatives will be abusive to me,’” explains licensed clinical psychologist Amy Marschall, PsyD. If you think that there might be any drama with your family during the holidays, it’s best to emotionally prepare ahead of time.

• First, set realistic expectations. If your family always fights, don’t think that somehow, magically, this year will be different. Base your expectations on what has happened in the past. This way, you won’t be disappointed when your mom starts screaming at your father for burning the turkey and your cousin baits your very religious aunt by showing up with yet another back tattoo.
• Identify and set personal boundaries. Basically, know your limits, and “know that you have the right to set whatever boundaries needed in order to feel and be safe,” advises Dr. Marschall. “This might include simply not attending certain events. If you do choose to attend, determine your boundaries beforehand – under what circumstances will you leave? What topics will you not be discussing?” 
• Remember. you are allowed to retreat. If things become too much to handle, or you find yourself embroiled in conflict, remove yourself and go somewhere quiet and alone. Even if you only get a minute to yourself, this can help.
• If you know that certain subjects always bring the heat, avoid them. And if you can’t, prepare yourself emotionally for the drama that will ensue. Getting caught off-guard just makes the drama worse. 
• Try to anticipate what might happen in certain situations, and plan accordingly. Are you up for trying to calm everybody down? Or is it better for you to go somewhere else in the house when things get riled up? This might be one of those “hope for the best, expect the worst” scenarios.

Strategies for Managing Family Drama

Though it may seem unavoidable, there are strategies you can use to manage family drama.

Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Boundaries are extremely important to maintain in any family situation, but especially if your family is prone to drama. 

Be very clear with your family upfront if there are certain subjects that are taboo for you. Don’t want to talk about work? Let your family know that, and don’t give in when they pressure you about it. Don’t feel like dealing with the constant questions about your love life? Be clear that this subject is off-limits. You can say something like:

• “I don’t feel like talking about that right now.”
• “I’d like to keep that private for now.”
• “Nothing new to report!”

Or you can change the subject. Maybe try:

• “Enough about me – I want to hear about you!”

It’s also important to demonstrate to your family that you will not let yourself get entangled in their fights. If someone tries to draw you in, you can say:

• “That’s really none of my business.”
• “I don’t think it is doing anybody any good to be talking about this.”
• “I’m staying out of this one.”

“Keep in mind also that a boundary does not control someone else’s behavior but specifies to them what your boundaries are,” Dr. Marschall explains. “For instance, ‘Do not make comments about my body’ is not a boundary, but ‘If you make comments about my body, I will exit the conversation’ is. What will you do if the boundaries are crossed?”

Clear boundaries keep you emotionally safe. And while it might be hard to stick to those boundaries—especially if emotions are running high and you’re surrounded by people causing and participating in the drama—they will do you nothing but good. 

Managing Emotional Responses

There are some tried-and-true techniques you can practice for emotional regulation that can help keep you calm and collected during family drama.

• If you’re feeling triggered, step into a corner or another room and do some breathing exercises. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, then breathe out through your mouth for a count of six. Repeat until your heartrate slows and you feel less agitated. Taking deep breaths can do wonders for an overactivated nervous system.
• Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, focus on five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This will help bring you back into your body and situate yourself in a reality separate from your emotions. And the best part is that you can do this anywhere—be it alone in your bedroom or in the middle of a crowd of people.
• Feel and express emotions. Keeping your emotions bottled up inside will only make things worse. If you are feeling something—even if it’s negative—recognize it and forgive yourself for feeling it. Anxiety, frustration, and anger are understandable reactions to being trapped in a situation that makes you feel emotionally unsafe. You’re not being unreasonable, and trying to push down those feelings just makes it even more difficult to function when you’re being challenged.
• Let others know how you are feeling, especially if they are the ones making you feel bad. Chances are, they don’t know the effect they are having on you. Expressing your emotions gives your family the opportunity to check and readjust their behavior. And if they don’t respond well? Then it’s time to put those boundaries into action.

Communication Techniques

When trying to communicate with your family, especially during times of heightened emotion, it’s necessary to practice active listening and empathy.

Active listening involves being truly invested in what the other person is saying, and asking questions, and making connections to demonstrate to the other person that you are understanding what they are trying to say. You might do this by asking:

• “I don’t think I understand what you were trying to say just then. Can you say more?”
• “I’m hearing that you feel X way about this issue. Is that right?”
• “It sounds to me like you’re saying X about Y. Could we talk more about that?”

If things do escalate to an uncomfortable level, you can try some de-escalation strategies. If people are arguing, you might try to interrupt and say:

• “Things are getting very heated. Maybe we could take a two-minute break and come back to this later.”
• “It seems like nothing is getting resolved this way. Let’s all take a minute to breathe.”
• “I think you all have important things to say, but is it possible to talk about this without yelling?”

You could also offer a distraction:

• “Hey, I really need help in the kitchen. Could you give me a hand?”
• “The kids are trying to decide what movie to watch. Maybe you could go give your opinion?”

The key here, though, is to know when you’re beat. If there is nothing you can do to quell the drama, let it go. Try to find a safe place to be or safe people to be with. And if you can’t? It’s OK to leave, even for just a little while.

Practical Tips for Holiday Gatherings

“Family drama during the holidays tends to unearth a lifetime of built-up trauma and painful dynamics,” says clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD. “The reason the holidays can be so stressful is because the small arguments we have with family members are emblematic of unresolved and deep-rooted issues for wounds that we still carry in the present. Be kind and gentle with yourself, and make sure to prepare proactive self-care – either by giving yourself decompression time, planning ahead to check in with a friend, and noticing what you need in these often-difficult moments.” 

Stuck at a bad holiday gathering? Here are actionable things you can do to cope.

Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques

Take a moment to pay attention to your body. Where are you carrying tension? Try to relax the parts of you that feel the most stressed. Or, do a body scan—start by bringing the focus to how your toes feel inside your shoes, and slowly move up your body, noticing how each part of you feels. When you find tension, tell yourself to let it go. Even if you can’t—and sometimes, you can’t—appreciate that you were able to distract yourself from the drama for a moment and take time for yourself and your well-being. 

“You also can positively visualize how you want the conversation to end – and use that as a compass to reorient yourself and approach if it gets derailed,” suggests Dr. Romanoff. “One of the most helpful mindfulness/breathing practices I’ve used for this is to notice how you feel first by placing both hands on your belly (giving to yourself) as you take deep breaths in and out.”

“Then extend both hands out (giving to others, which often causes people to experience feelings of being overextended and fatigued compared to the first-hand placement),” Romanoff continues. “Lastly, place one hand on your belly (giving to yourself) and extend one hand out (giving to others) – this is usually a powerful technique in noticing how your body feels when maintaining a balance of giving to yourself and others and can set the frame for these important conversations.”

Seeking Support

When dealing with family drama, having a support system is of the utmost importance. If there is someone in your family with whom you feel safe, that’s great—do your best to spend time with them, and avoid the people who stress you out. Even if you have to interact with the dramatic people, knowing you can always go back to that one family member to decompress and complain can make all the difference. 

Don’t have a family member whom you trust? That’s OK. Remember that you can always reach out to friends for support. You can tell your friends ahead of time that you might need to call or text them to get through a family gathering—this way, they can be prepared and have their phones on them in case you need to get in touch. 

In times of strife, especially if you are trapped somewhere and cannot escape, knowing that soon you will be back to your normal life, with your chosen family, can be bolstering. And if you need reminders that this other life exists, it’s especially important to maintain contact with friends throughout the course of the holiday season.

Post-Holiday Reflection and Self-Care

Even if your holiday is horrible, you can learn a lot by reflecting on your experiences.

What did you learn? Maybe you learned that certain family members are safe havens for you, while others trigger you. Maybe you learned that you need regularly scheduled breaks in the middle of holiday parties. Maybe you learned that you need to be in touch with outside friends in order to be able to go back and deal with your family for any extended period of time. All of these things are OK, and are very helpful to know in the future. So, the next time you have to spend time with your dramatic family, you’re prepared to protect yourself. 

But now, let’s say the holidays are over, and you survived—barely. What can you do to recover from holiday stress?

“It’s helpful to have a self-care plan for before, during, and after gatherings,” says Dr. Marschall. “What do you need in order to attend to your psychological needs during this time?”

If you need to spend time with friends to counteract the experiences you just had with your family, schedule hang-outs for when you return from your holiday. Knowing that you will be spending time with people you actually get along with can be bolstering and help get you through the family time because you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

And—perhaps most importantly—bask in the knowledge that you don’t need to survive another family holiday get-together for another whole year.