We’re obsessed with watching celebrities leave loving marriages and relationships for torrid affairs. So, is cheating more prevalent today than before, or are we merely more aware of it happening due to media saturation?
Or, is the rise in cheating due to the media’s influence on our everyday lives? My thought? Cheaters make choices, but those choices are also guided by chemical reactions, environment, wants, and needs of the individual, as well as the state of their self-esteem and ego.
Here four honest men confess the real reason they cheated on their wives:
1. “My mistress was smarter than my wife.”
The conversation was amazing. We just connected. Both of us married, looking at each other, both questioning why we were still with our spouses. My mistress was wicked smart; so much smarter than my wife. I kept asking myself, why didn’t I meet her before? How did the universe hate me so much to keep this angelic creature away from me for so long? Why did I waste 20+ years of my life with the wrong woman?” — Roger G.
The chemical reaction of an affair is intense. The brain is flooded with dopamine, and our primal mating desires kick in. Research states that dopamine is released when we experience lust, attraction, and other pleasurable feelings.
Then, the rush that comes with doing anything taboo intensifies the high, and bam! You’re addicted to the most incredible feelings of “love,” “connection,” and desire (it’s usually just lust).
2. “It was too exciting to pass up.”
Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
“Affair intimacy? Impossibly mind-blowing. It didn’t matter. It was just exciting. Crazy exciting.” — Matt T.
There are plenty of men who run off and cheat on their wives, creating another relationship before leaving their marriage. It’s cowardly and based on all the wrong stuff, but it feels real. (One study from 2018 even found that 70% of men admit to having an emotional affair.)
And beyond the chemical issues (dopamine, infatuation), there is a very basic reason for this: there is no way an established relationship will ever be like a new relationship. It’s impossible. New relationships are exciting, passionate, hopeful, and mysterious. But they’re only like that when they’re new. If you wait a little while, your shiny new relationship will be… (wait for it) old. Established.
3. “I did what I did and I didn’t consider any of the collateral damage.”
“I know the perception of cheaters, and those who haven’t had an affair think cheaters have no regrets. Like, I did what I did without caring about the after-effects. Put simply: I must have cheated because I just don’t care about anything or anyone but myself. I understand that point of view. Cheating is a selfish act. But don’t be fooled. I have massive regret. I feel I left my integrity and honor standing face-to-face with my wife, with me screaming, ‘What are you talking about!? I’m not seeing anyone behind your back!’ with my teenage kids within earshot.” — Stephan R
4. “I felt like gallivanting around like a teenager.”
Andrew Neel / Pexels
“As I talk to you, my heart sinks deeper into the shame and dishonor that permeates my very skin. I feel like such a piece of garbage. No amount of physical pleasure or mental stimulation will compensate for the ridiculousness of my behavior. I mean, I was gallivanting around like a 17-year-old with a perpetual desire, thinking others couldn’t see what I was doing, and how I was acting. I’m just an idiot.” — Eric T.
People think they sell their souls when they sacrifice their integrity and honor. But that would imply that the soul is separate from the person. In the words of C.S. Lewis, “You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” This means only one thing for men in affairs: in betraying your significant other, you betray yourself and the essence of who you are.
Marriages grow, change, alter, and iterate, but they cannot go back to the “new” phase — ever. You can put in the effort to maintain passion and desire, and it still won’t be “new.” But with effort, that passion doesn’t have to wane; it can stay and grow with the relationship.
Are cheaters victims? Hardly. They make choices, albeit potentially through chemical reactions that drive foggy/poor decision-making. Those bad decisions make the proverbial grass appear greener, but whether it actually is or isn’t doesn’t matter. People make choices, and then their choices make them.
To those tempted to cheat, I implore you to rethink things. You don’t have to stay in a marriage in which you aren’t happy. If you’re not happy, then leave. But allow everyone involved their dignity and honor, including yourself.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series, The Problem with Women… is Men.
