There are two very specific reasons why married men cheat. This indifelity plays out the same way over and over again. A husband who had (what appeared to be) a great marriage found someone else to spend his intimate moments with only to discover he traded his commitment to his life partner for a rush of dopamine.
Now he wants everyone to believe he cares about the woman he once claimed to love. Of course, he’s sorry. Sorry for what? Cheating, or sorry he got caught? Now, let’s dig into the reasons why the cheating happened in the first place to see if it makes sense to take a husband like this back.
Here are the two unfiltered reasons why married men cheat:
1. For a chemical reaction
The chemical reaction to an affair is intense. Research from the American Psychological Association shows when people cheat, the brain is flooded with dopamine, and primal mating desires kick in. It’s important to note that this happens for men and women.
Then, the rush that comes with doing anything taboo heightens the high, and wow! The physical intimacy? It’s impossibly mind-blowing because, as he often tells his mistress, “My wife doesn’t do anything. She’s just too pent up, too much of a prude, and nags too much to let her hair down and be a woman.”
2. For a missing connection
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As for the conversations he has with his mistress? Amazing. She totally “gets” him.
“She’s wicked smart,” he’ll tell himself. “So much smarter than my wife. Why didn’t I meet her first? How did the universe hate me so much to keep this angelic creature away from me for so long? Why did I waste so many years of my life with the wrong woman?”
Reality check: All of that is untrue. He might feel that way, but it’s not completely accurate. Even as he thinks those awful things, his conscience drives his heart deeper into the shame and dishonor that permeates his very skin, as suggested by a study in Evolutionary Psychology Journal.
No amount of physical pleasure or mental stimulation (real or dopamine-driven) can compensate for the ridiculousness of a cheating husband gallivanting around like a 17-year-old with a perpetual hormone rush who thinks other people can’t see what he’s doing and how he’s acting.
News flash: Everyone can see it.
What do married men think when they are having an affair?
He was thinking nothing, and therein lies the issue. The Oxford Handbook of Infidelity supports how his affair was only made possible with an endless string of lies: lies to his wife, lies to his kids, lies to his friends, but mostly, lies to himself.
He convinced himself that his wife — the woman he’d known for years, the mother of his children, his friend, confidant, and snuggle partner — was the wrong woman.
His justification? Pick a reason: She lacked passion, she didn’t care about him or what he did for her or the family, she didn’t value him, she ignored him.
Is he right? Even if we say he is, it’s just a feeling, not reality. Moreover, his dissatisfaction isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker for an established relationship. Shouldn’t it warrant a discussion first?
Maybe he did discuss those issues with his wife, but perhaps his version of “discussed” meant he “screamed at her over and over and over and over again” while fighting off endless but completely accurate assumptions that he was emotionally disconnecting from her and possibly seeing someone behind her back.
His honor: Gone. His integrity: If he had any, he would’ve had the decency to leave his current partner before ending up in a bed (or the backseat) with someone else.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series The Problem with Women… is Men.
