There is a theory about soulmates that says you should stop looking for your soulmate and let them find you — but it never works and here’s why.
The theory goes that if you direct your attention to becoming and living as the most authentic you and creating the life and work you love to live and do and in doing that you will meet your soulmate as if by magic.
It certainly seems like an appealing soulmate theory on the surface: Focus on living a happy life and becoming your authentic self and your soulmate will just … show up.
But is it true? Will it work? Let’s break this soulmate theory down and see if it holds up to scrutiny. First, there should be some agreement on what is meant by a soulmate. We’re soulmate coaches. It is what we’re passionate about and what we teach about love.
We believe that a soulmate relationship is supposed to stand the test of time. A soulmate is someone who will accept you, love you for who you are and help you feel whole.
Ultimately, a soulmate is a person that you choose again, and again. A soulmate isn’t just a fantasy either, and most people believe in them, with one YouGov poll stating that 60% of Americans believe in soulmates.
The common thread of soulmate theories is that your soulmate will just “get” you. A soulmate is someone who will accept you, love you for who you are and help you feel whole. Now that we have clarity on our soulmate theory, let’s see how it stands up.
The ‘love will find you’ soulmate theory doesn’t always stand up to scrutiny.
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This is a common theory about love and soulmates. Somehow putting effort towards what you want, drives it away from you. Instead, you should stop looking.
This is usually stated as “Love will show up when you least expect it.” The interesting part of this soulmate theory is that you are expected to believe that finding love is somehow different from any other goal you have in life.
Anything else you desire — health, a successful career, even inner peace — requires you to learn new skills, apply effort, and be consistent over time for you to achieve your goal. But, according to part one of this soulmate theory, love is different. It doesn’t work by the same universal laws as everything else in life.
Somehow it is more romantic for love to happen by accident when you aren’t looking for it. It’s like there is a stigma toward wanting love and taking action toward that goal. As if somehow, you must be desperate if you have to spend time and energy finding love.
Wanting a soulmate and actively looking for one doesn’t make you needy, and that’s why this theory doesn’t hold.
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This is the part that most offends us — that wanting love, wanting to have a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone who gets you somehow makes you desperate and needy.
Seriously, what is wrong with wanting to share your life with someone who gets you, accepts you, and loves you? What is the problem with treating a soulmate relationship the same way as a career choice?
No one is ever perceived as desperate or needy in the pursuit of a successful career, higher education, or any other endeavor. Most people who work on their relationship skills like effective communication, conflict resolution, trustworthiness, and empathy have lasting relationships that are essential to their level of success, peace of mind, and happiness.
What’s standing in the way of personal authenticity? This component of the soulmate theory you heard is difficult to argue with. The more authentic you can be the more likely you are to select an ideal partner as your match. Authenticity is ultimately the key to creating harmony in a relationship over time.
Most people are conflict-avoidant. They go along to get along and avoid speaking up and sharing their truth. This is particularly true through the dating process. Couple this natural avoidance with the fear of rejection and now you have a recipe for people to hide their authentic selves rather than allowing their freak flag to fly high.
The fear of rejection keeps most people from showing up authentically. They feel that if someone saw them for who they are they wouldn’t like what they see. This seems to be part of the human condition, and we want you to know that you are worthy of love right now as you are today.
Authenticity is all about sharing your emotional truth. It isn’t your opinion of others, events in the world, or anything else. Emotional authenticity is expressing how you feel regardless of the expectations or perceived expectations of others.
Being authentic means you are an active advocate for yourself. You are speaking up for yourself by sharing your emotional truth. It’s how you feel inside and sharing that feeling with another.
This is also how to create a connection with another person to have emotional intimacy. Just as part two of this soulmate theory suggests: To have a soulmate relationship it is imperative to be living as the real authentic you!
So many people attempt to find a way to express their truth without offending or upsetting anyone. We call this twisting into a pretzel to get love. It is a lose-lose proposition.
Pretzel twisting is when you try to contort yourself into a shape that you think someone else will like. It is the opposite of authenticity, and it is a little manipulative.
The success of your communication is your ability to speak your truth regardless of the perceived expectations of others. The magic of intimacy is that when you share your truth, and your partner shares their truth, the two of you now feel connected even if the two of you disagree.
You will not always agree with your soulmate. No one will ever see through your defenses to discover the hidden gem inside. Knowing how to balance your self-esteem with your compassion for others allows you to show up as your authentic self no matter what.
We wholeheartedly agree with part two of this soulmate theory: Live an authentic life and you’ll be more likely to share your life with one.
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Research from 2013 confirms that being authentic leads to higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
‘Living your passions’ isn’t always enough to bring forth a soulmate. This is where this soulmate theory gets interesting. According to this hypothesis, to share your life with your soulmate you’ve got to be living your passions.
Really? As if those of you who are comfortable with your somewhat fulfilling job are not deserving of your soulmate? And that only those who are doing work they love will attract a soulmate into their life?
Part three of this soulmate theory gets convoluted very quickly when you start to consider all the women who weren’t allowed to have a career and spent their lives raising children and being the matriarch of the family. Are we to believe that none of these women were in a soulmate relationship?
You don’t have to love your career to find a soulmate. We have had many clients who upon first speaking with us were successful in their careers, and had wonderful relationships with family members and friends, and yet their soulmate relationship had eluded them.
These women were living their passions, they excelled in their careers, and yet they struggled with attracting their soulmates. Work is work and love is love. Love doesn’t care if you are successful, just as your work doesn’t care if you are in love.
Being happy and fulfilled in life is important. It’s just not something that automatically leads to love. We give a big thumbs down to part three of the soulmate theory: Soulmates are unlikely to show up from thin air.
The fantasy and falsehood behind this soulmate theory is that you will not have to do or change anything.
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By simply living your life a certain way you will magically attract a soulmate into your life. And you’ll be able to avoid those annoying dating apps, awkward coffee dates, and toxic people.
Here’s the good news along with the bad news. Men who are toxic, emotionally unavailable, or commitment-phobic, exist in the same environment as the quality men that so many dating coaches promise you’ll attract.
The goal is to learn to cultivate discernment while dating so that you can identify an ideal match. There can be several reasons that this process is easier for some and more challenging for others.
Without effort, we may attract the same types again and again. This is why so many people are attracted to the same kind of person over and over again even when they become aware that these particular people are not a match for the type of relationship they truly desire.
The same is true for why those who have experienced abuse, trauma, and domestic violence find it difficult to break the cycle. No amount of positive thinking will root out that program. It takes powerful healing and intentional action to change your internal GPS for love.
Part four of this soulmate theory seems to perpetuate the idea that there is something unattractive or distasteful about meeting new people through a dating app. Or that you should ask your friends and family to set you up with people they know who are also single and looking for love.
This soulmate theory says that it is mundane to date and love is supposed to happen by magic with no effort on your part whatsoever. We can assure you that taking this approach to love will take longer (if it happens at all), and cause you to waste your time with a lot of Mr. Wrongs before you finally meet Mr. Right.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.
