How to Deal With Culture Clash In a Relationship

Years ago, I took a non-Asian guy I was dating to a dim sum restaurant. I thought everything was OK, but as each dish came to our table, his face became greener and greener. Ultimately, he ate a BBQ pork bun but grabbed a burger afterward. I didn’t take his dislike personally. After all, we have our preferences; perhaps, Asian cuisine isn’t one of his. But with food being one of my love languages, how could this cultural clash not set our relationship on different paths?

Understanding Cultural Differences

We interact with people from different cultures daily. Due to changing social norms and increased diversity, we don’t bat an eye when we see an interracial couple. But how do cultural differences affect these relationships?

How Culture Shapes Our Identity

Tatiana Rivera Cruz, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in couples counseling and family issues, explains that a person’s culture plays a pivotal role in shaping their identity by influencing their beliefs, values, and behaviors. 

“Ultimately, culture not only molds our personal identity but also enriches the broader social landscape, contributing to a collective sense of heritage and purpose,” says Cruz.

Cultural Impact on Relationship Dynamics

Cultural differences impact relationship dynamics in various ways, from mental health to food and holidays.

Mental Health

A study looking at the mental well-being of interracial relationships found that individuals in interracial couples were more likely to experience anxiety-related disorders, discrimination, and negative interactions from friends and families compared to individuals in same-race relationships.

Gender Roles

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist, professor, and Verywell Mind review board member, explains that cultural norms tend to dictate gender roles.

Communication

Cruz shares that culture plays a significant role in relationship dynamics by shaping communication styles, values, and expectations between partners. Different cultures influence how affection is expressed, conflict is managed, and decisions are made, which can lead to misunderstandings if not acknowledged.

Values and Customs

Dr. Romanoff advises recognizing where you might face conflicting cultural values and behaviors is important. For example, you and your partner might have different preferences for timeliness, how to raise children, or how much or little family is involved in your lives. Couples who differ in early life experiences in these areas may want the same or create a different way of operating in their own relationships and may change their preferences over time.

Cruz adds that some cultures prioritize collectivism and family involvement, while others emphasize individualism and personal autonomy. This difference in values can affect how partners navigate their responsibilities and commitments.

Sonia Smith-Kang, the founder of a multicultural children’s apparel company called Mixed Up Clothing, has experienced this cultural clash personally. Smith-Kang identifies as Afro-Latina and has been married to her 1st generation Korean husband for 19 years. They have four multicultural, multiracial, and multilingual children.

She adds that gift-giving is another area in which they differ. Her husband’s family emphasizes the thoughtfulness behind gifts and even specific ways to present them, which she hadn’t encountered before. Now, she’s embraced this by learning the unspoken etiquette around it, like how to wrap gifts and why it’s important to receive them graciously.

Food and Holidays

For Mary Chan, a voice coach who identifies as Canadian Chinese and is married to a Canadian Ukrainian male, food and gatherings are cultural differences they experience. However, having been together for 24 years, they don’t argue about them. 

“The beautiful thing is that we don’t have to fight about which family we’ll visit because the holidays don’t cross over,” she explains. “My original family doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas, while his family of origin doesn’t celebrate Chinese New Year or the mid-autumn moon festival.”

Chan adds that they make foods from both their cultures throughout the year. For instance, for Thanksgiving one year, they stayed home and her husband made a Ukrainian feast from scratch. Chinese New Year, also known as Lunar New Year, is important to them so they will visit Mary’s family and have a big New Year’s Eve reunion feast.

Strategies for Managing Culture Clash

Every couple is different with varying cultural needs. However, there are some strategies for managing culture clash.

Prioritize Open Communication

Dr. Romanoff says that couples should first identify cultural differences and proactively ‘translate’ ways there may be incompatibility, differences in preferences, and how needs are communicated and expressed. Being open and vulnerable with your partner about what you need (and how they can provide it for you) is key.

“The biggest problem I tend to notice in couples from different cultures is a breakdown in communication and assumption of ill intent,” says Dr. Romanoff.

Smith-Kang says she and her husband use “family meetings” to communicate about cultural differences as openly as possible.

“[Family meetings] help us address traditions, customs, and expectations, so we’re aligned and understand each other’s perspectives,” she sats. “We both feel it’s important that the person from a specific cultural background leads the conversation, offering explanations and context to help the other feel comfortable and aware of things they “should” do.”

Celebrating Cultural Diversity

Not only is it important to acknowledge and recognize each other’s cultures, but it’s also important to celebrate them both equally. Cynthia Cheng Mintz who identifies as Hong Kong Chinese and is married to her Ashkenazi Jewish husband, incorporated her and her husband’s cultures in their wedding. For instance, they had a tea ceremony, broke the glass at the end of the “official” ceremony, table toasted, and did the hora.

Create Shared Experiences

Cruz recommends engaging in shared experiences to strengthen your bond. For instance, participating in each other’s cultural celebrations or cooking traditional meals together. Both partners should approach their differences with curiosity rather than judgment to create a safe space for sharing and learning.

Establish Common Goals

Cruz explains that establishing common goals and values can help bridge cultural gaps, allowing couples to build a blended identity that honors both backgrounds. 

Chan shares that her family talks about their values and how they want to live their lives.

“We talked about what we wanted to do, try more of, and things we didn’t want changed…” she says. “We’ve created our own culture that’s separate from how [my husband] and I grew up and we’re showing our daughter what it means to be Chinese, Ukrainian, and Canadian.”

Dr. Romanoff adds that even if you believe you and your partner come from seemingly similar cultures, every family creates their own culture.

“[Couples] must negotiate the disparate and similar cultural norms of their family of origin when they create their own culture and eventual family,” she explains. “This is often an ongoing and continuous process of learning about the other, trying out new ways of relating to each other and ultimately testing a new approach, checking back in, and adapting to new behaviors that work for both partners.”