Dating can feel intimidating. Especially when you’re just getting over a breakup, or you haven’t been on the market in a while.
Instead of focusing on whether he likes you or worrying about what he may be looking for in a partner, trust yourself by being in control of your dating skills and expectations. You may not feel confident today, but if you take a new approach to dating, you’ll become the next confident, most desirable woman who finds the lasting love she desires.
Here are the eleven beliefs held by the most desirable women:
1. She knows the difference between a guy who wants a relationship … and one who doesn’t
Men who are looking for a relationship behave differently than men who are looking for a hookup or some companionship. A confident woman knows how to tell the difference and doesn’t waste her time wondering where the relationship is going.
A man looking for a relationship with you will pursue you. He will reach out and call you. He will plan the next date.
This man will be interested in how to make you happy and how to win your heart. Despite what it may seem like, most men are looking for a serious relationship, according to statistics from The Pew Research Center.
A guy who doesn’t want a relationship will let you do all the work. And he’ll disappear if you put too many hurdles in his way. He’s only looking for something easy and convenient.
A confident woman will know that the man she is planning a date with is interested in a relationship. And if she discovers he’s not, she’ll quickly move on.
2. She knows she can be herself, no matter what
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Twisting into a pretzel to earn love is exhausting. Eventually, you’ll tire of holding an unnatural shape and relax back to your true self. This can be very confusing for a man because suddenly you’re switching gears and sending mixed messages.
A confident woman won’t waste her time by putting her lovability in the hands of a stranger. She knows she’s worthy of love and she’ll show up authentically from the start, letting the chips fall where they may.
Research from 2013 shows that being authentic in a relationship is strongly associated with positive relationship outcomes like increased trust, satisfaction, commitment, and overall well-being. If a guy isn’t into her, she knows there is a man out there who will be, and she trusts that everything is working out for her highest good.
3. She feels safe risking her heart for love
Searching for love is always going to feel a little risky. Your heart is in jeopardy every time you invest in a romantic relationship. You simply won’t find the lasting love you desire without having to risk your heart. Research from 2013 found that it’s men who take more risks for love than women.
A confident woman instinctually knows that she can mitigate the risks by being clear on the kind of man she is looking for. She knows how to share her feelings as well as her thoughts to create an emotional connection.
Most importantly a confident woman knows not to be fooled by instant intimacy. She takes things slowly through the dating process knowing that the right man for her will be patient and take time to earn her trust.
4. She’s curious whether a guy is right for her, not if she is worthy enough for him
If you’re hyper-focused on whether he likes you or not, you’re missing out on discovering whether he’s a good match for you. Just because you find a guy super-hot and you’re into him doesn’t mean that he will be an ideal life partner.
A confident woman knows who to select and who to deselect for a relationship. She has an intuitive understanding of what’s important to her. She will evaluate a guy’s capacity to deliver what she needs. And she doesn’t put on rose-colored glasses just because she’s attracted to him.
5. She asks for what she wants and needs from the get-go
You can’t expect your date to have mind-reading powers and just magically know what would bring you joy or have you feeling cherished. Having predetermined criteria of behaviors you need from a date can have you missing out on a perfect match for you.
Just because he doesn’t open the car door for you doesn’t mean that he isn’t willing to do it. But how would you know if you just expect him to and never ask?
A confident woman is comfortable asking for what she wants and needs from a guy on a date. She knows that discovering early on if he’s willing to make her happy or not will save her time in the long run. Research from The Gottman Institute states that asking for what you want is the only way to get your needs met in a relationship.
6. She knows how to set boundaries
There are some behaviors that are unacceptable, even before a first date. If you don’t set and keep clear boundaries you give a guy permission to continue behaving badly. You teach people how to treat you, and if you don’t set boundaries, you’re allowing a guy to have open season and treat you however he wants.
Setting boundaries allows you to tell someone how they should treat you, and shows that you know how to communicate. Research from 2016 indicates that couples who regularly communicate and share their feelings tend to experience higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships.
A confident woman trusts herself to set a boundary and keep it, so she doesn’t find herself enmeshed in a relationship with a guy who is looking to take advantage of her or doesn’t have her best interests at heart.
7. She knows when to end the first date
It’s common on a first date for a man to start with a casual meeting and have plans to extend the date if all goes well. If you two hit it off, he’ll want to continue the date and possibly take you to a second location. If you’re interested in him, you may make the mistake of going along with his plan to spend more time together.
A first meeting should be short, no longer than 90 minutes (ideally shorter, about an hour). The purpose of a first date is to confirm he is who he says he is, see if you enjoy being in his presence, and if there is an opportunity for something more to develop.
One poll done by Candan Dry states that most people prefer a first date to be under 3 hours. Marathon first dates may sound romantic, but the relationships they develop into usually don’t end well.
A confident woman knows she is the prize and that a man who is interested in a long-term relationship will allow her to set the pace. For a first date, a confident woman will want to keep him wanting more.
8. She knows he’s not her only chance at love
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Don’t get trapped by the false belief that you’ve captured a unicorn and if this one gets away you’ve missed out on your soulmate. You don’t have to scour the earth trying to find your other half.
Dating is a process and it’s just as important to know who to deselect as it is to know who to select. A confident woman knows that she must date someone for a while before becoming emotionally attached or physically intimate.
She knows that love is a choice, not something fated to be or not to be. One 2022 poll conducted by YouGov states that 61% of Americans believe love is a choice.
She trusts that if things don’t work out with her current date, she’ll have plenty of opportunities to meet other men. She lives by the mantra, “This or better!”
9. She doesn’t let her past predict her future
Just because you’ve struggled in the past and found lasting love difficult to find, doesn’t mean that you are destined to be alone. You can make new choices and change your strategies for love. Letting go of the past allows you to have a happier present, research from 2022 confirms.
Focusing on past mistakes and heartbreaks will sap your motivation to date and leave you feeling apathetic or cynical. Instead, you can learn from past hurtful experiences and learn new dating strategies.
A confident woman knows that her past doesn’t predict her future. She trusts in her ability to change her strategies when they don’t reap the desired result. She knows everything is working out for her highest good, and when she’s challenged, she is willing to get help when she can’t do it on her own.
10. She doesn’t worry about disagreements
Most people are conflict-avoidant and take a disagreement with their date as a sign that he is wrong for her. Avoiding conflict doesn’t make the issues go away. It just plants the seeds for anger and resentment down the line.
Every interaction with another human being provides an opportunity for a misunderstanding or disagreement. You may even have a conflict on the first date with the man who ends up being your soulmate.
A disagreement on its own isn’t a sign that things won’t work out between the two of you. It’s only a red flag if you can’t repair and reconnect. How the two of you handle conflict will tell you everything you need to know about the future potential of your relationship.
A confident woman can communicate authentically about what is upsetting her. She can take responsibility for her triggers and not try to appease her date to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. She knows that conflict can be a doorway to a deeper connection when it is handled mindfully.
11. She knows she can’t say or do the wrong thing with the right man
There are no mistakes on the path to lasting love. If things don’t work out, you can use the situation as an opportunity to learn about yourself and possibly change your approach. Constantly worrying about what you may have said or did will eat away at your confidence.
A confident woman takes every opportunity to discover herself and grow. She intuitively knows that with the right man, they will always find their way through disagreements and conflicts together. And if things don’t work, she knows that there is an ideal match who will be willing to stick with her, no matter what.
Confidence isn’t something you’re born with. It comes from experience and from learning to trust yourself. Being confident in yourself comes with an array of advantages. These include better social relationships, improved academic and professional performance, and increased satisfaction with life, according to research from 2022.
This requires that you be okay with learning something new, being willing to change your strategies for finding love, and taking new actions. Lasting love doesn’t just magically happen because you’re fated to be together.
With the right person, you choose each other again and again and again — and that can feel magical. A confident woman has a plan in place so she can date a soulmate. With that road map in hand, you can trust your instincts because you have a system in place that guides you through the process.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.
