You’ve been in overdrive all day — juggling logistics, people, project deadlines, and endless to-dos — or maybe putting out fires, squeezing in errands, finding lost toys, and making sure you’ve filled out all the forms for school tomorrow. All day, you eagerly anticipate finding just 30 minutes to chill out, catch up with your significant other, and relax into sleep.
Though your body is ready to plop down on the sofa and decompress, your brain is still stuck in “go-go-go” mode. As a result, you’re there with your loved ones, but you’re not present. You think, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I relax?
Three things you do without realizing, that make you wound-up and stressed
1. You leave tasks undone and issues unresolved
There’s a reason your mind starts spinning when you try to rest. It’s trying to help you tie together all the loose ends of your day.
To solve this, you must choose to resolve all or most of these loose ends before you even try to walk away from the bustle of the day. Take five minutes to “capture” any loose ends on to-do lists and calendars. This reassures your brain that it doesn’t need to keep scanning all night for any misses nor stay alert, reminding you to schedule the vet appointment.
2. You go non-stop from morning until night
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It’s almost as if you don’t know how to sit still. Even when you try to relax, you’ve probably got a few things going on — like the TV, the laundry pile and catching up on texts.
You will not lose your edge, and you’ll be more productive if, a few times each day, you bring your mind and body back to a more relaxed state. The American Psychological Association shows how athletes know these rituals are the key to sustained performance.
You can set a reminder alarm or use an app to cue yourself to pause. Take some slow, deep breaths, look around, stretch, move, look out the window, and renew your energy in whatever way you need at the moment.
3. You work or watch your phone before going to sleep
Just as bedtime rituals help children learn to settle down, relaxation or transition rituals help adults unwind. If you’re lying in bed working or watching something on TV or your phone, you’re signaling to your brain that it’s still “busy time”.
Unfortunately, the usual screen time approach is not brain-friendly, as supported by a study in the Public Library of Science One Journal. But there are a zillion ways to help your body and mind invoke the “relaxation response,” from simple breath work and meditation to quick walks around the park, warm baths, and music.
The critical key is to pick a routine you like and can practice regularly. The more wired and amped you are at the end of a day, the more you need this ritual.
The good news is it only takes a few weeks to make your ritual a habit. So, start taking advantage of your precious downtime to better connect with your loved ones and yourself — improve your sleep quality and wake refreshed to tackle the next day.
Give your brain permission to unwind — and honor yourself by actually doing it
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Physiologically, it’s challenging for your mind and body to transition from navigating the stress and potential “dangers” of the day at breakneck speed to suddenly letting go into the peaceful, relaxed, “safe” state you crave. It may sound counter-intuitive, but you have to train your mind how to relax with ease, as suggested by research in the International Journal of Psychophysiology.
After hours of driving “fast and furious,” there’s a fear of letting go. After all, what if you drop the ball on something when you let your guard down? What if you lose your edge or can’t ramp back up into productive mode again? People even become addicted to the rev of “busyness,” making withdrawal downright scary.
So you can let your body relax and bring your mind to rest with it by creating a series of simple transition rituals to alert your mind and body it’s time to wind down.
Cynthia Ackrill leads stress and leadership workshops in many settings, from coaching and leadership programs to women’s conferences.
