If you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios, take a moment to reflect. Then, take a few more moments to mourn the old version of yourself while accepting that change needs to occur before you can become a happier you.
We all know somebody who seems chronically unhappy. And while it’s not our job to help them per se, sometimes just being there to lend an ear or to be a shoulder to cry on is all it takes to elevate them. Because you never know, it may be your simple act of kindness that promotes self-awareness in an unhappy friend or family member.
Here are ten things unhappy people don’t understand:
1. There’s a subtle art to detachment
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Unhappy people are too attached to things. They’re too attached to outcomes. Heck, they may also be too attached to certain people (read: the wrong people).
But here’s where the subtle art of detachment comes into play. Because if we detach ourselves too far from outcomes, we lose our sense of purpose — forgetting what our goals and dreams were, to begin with.
If we detach too far from people, we become aloof and cold. And if we become too detached from things, we may be surrendering the creature comforts that improve our lives.
All it takes is a little balance. Unhappy people struggle to find balance in their lives. They struggle to prioritize what really matters. 2021 research on detachment focuses on separating oneself from emotions, thoughts, and situations, allowing for a more objective perspective, which can be beneficial in managing stress, maintaining healthy relationships, and making rational decisions.
2. Speak less and listen more
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We tend to equate unhappiness with depression. But they aren’t the same. Depression is a clinical diagnosis and that’s not what this article is about. Unhappiness affects most people at some point in their lives.
I know an unhappy woman who talks a lot. This woman isn’t depressed. She isn’t sullen and withdrawn — quite the opposite, in fact. She’s a rambler — a steamroller.
Typically, I’m not able to get a word in during my conversations with her. And on the few rare occasions I squeezed in a word or two, she steamrolled right over me, finishing my sentences and interrupting my attempts to contribute to the conversation.
And to make matters worse, because her listening skills are so poor, on more than one occasion I’ve caught her twisting my words and spreading mistruths about me around our small town because she thought she heard me say (fill in the blank)…
I don’t think this was malicious behavior. The truth is, she simply wasn’t listening. And when we don’t listen, we naturally draw our own conclusions and make assumptions based on bits and pieces of information we’ve gathered.
Unhappy people feel the need to fill space because they’re uncomfortable in their skin. They tend to be showy and wordy, seek external validation, and garner attention through verbal means.
2014 research indicates a potential link between unhappiness, particularly symptoms of depression, and excessive talking, often characterized by rapid speech, frequent interruptions, or overly detailed explanations, which can be seen as a coping mechanism to manage negative emotions or a way to distract from internal distress. However, the relationship is complex and not always straightforward.
3. Nobody actually cares what you do
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We were all insecure pre-teens once. And unfortunately, unhappy people never grow out of this ego-centric mindset. They still assume everyone is watching them.
Newsflash: nobody’s watching you. Everyone’s got their own problems to deal with. You’re not the main character in anyone else’s playbook — not even your mom thinks about you as much as you think she does. Your mom’s got her own set of problems, too (we tend to forget our moms are actual people with real lives).
For some, this reality may feel like a slap in the face. But for others? It’s freeing. If nobody cares about your mess-ups, that means you’re free to try and fail as many times as you wish without fear of others watching and judging. Pretty cool, eh?
4. Acceptance and settling aren’t the same
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Accepting things we have no control over is a beautiful thing. Not accepting things we can’t control is akin to beating our heads against a brick wall and expecting miracles to occur as a result.
But acceptance, like anything, can be taken too far. This is when settling occurs. Unhappy people tend to settle in life. They settle because they’ve convinced themselves they have no control over certain aspects.
The angry mom continues to yell at her kids because she doesn’t realize she has the power to change. She accepts anger as her default setting and settles for being a good enough parent.
The disgruntled employee feels trapped in his job and blames the economy for his lack of job prospects. He accepts his position and settles, staying in a job he hates for far too long. But he accepts the benefits, location, and pay as enough for him — his current position ticks three out of his ten career boxes, so why change?
Unhappy people choose to live this way because change is hard. Change is also scary. It’s a lot easier to convince ourselves we have no control over things we wish to change than it is to actually change them.
Research from The Journal of Personality and Individual Differences indicates a strong correlation between unhappiness and settling in relationships or life situations, suggesting that when people feel unfulfilled or dissatisfied with their current circumstances, they are more likely to accept a less-than-ideal situation rather than actively pursue greater happiness or fulfillment, often leading to feelings of regret or ongoing unhappiness.
5. Deadlines and timelines aren’t the most important things in life
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This goes back to getting hung up on outcomes. Unhappy people tend to set unrealistic expectations for themselves. The woman who stands firm in her conviction to be married and pregnant by age twenty-eight is the same woman who ultimately marries for the wrong reasons and ends up divorced.
Entrepreneurship or business ownership by age thirty? Sounds nice but it’s too rigid. You may end up pursuing the wrong type of work and pushing yourself to the point of burnout just to achieve an arbitrary goal by an arbitrary deadline. Unhappy people are too rigid with their preferred outcomes.
A 2023 study by the Frontiers in Psychology indicates a strong link between approaching deadlines and increased unhappiness, with studies showing that the stress and pressure associated with tight timeframes can significantly contribute to negative emotions like anxiety, frustration, and even depression, particularly in individuals who tend to procrastinate or have high perfectionist tendencies.
6. Weakness is a given
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Look, we’re all weak in one way or another. We all have flaws. And the sooner you can admit this to yourself, the faster you’ll find yourself on a path toward happiness.
One of my best friends called me the other day. She explained how she’d been experiencing a sense of Imposter syndrome as she navigates building a new career in an unfamiliar field.
Describing her waning motivation, she said, I feel like a loser. My response? We’re all losers. Some of us just hide it better.
But unhappy people put on a front. They play perfect as if they’re the starring role in some defunct Off-Broadway production.
They’re too insecure to present their real selves to the world— to allow themselves to be seen, warts and all. It’s our strengths and our weaknesses that make us human.
A strong correlation between unhappiness and feelings of weakness was found by a Frontiers in Psychology study, often stemming from lowered self-esteem, where individuals experiencing significant unhappiness tend to perceive themselves as less capable or resilient, leading to a sense of personal powerlessness. This connection is particularly evident in the study of depression, where negative self-beliefs and a lack of motivation contribute to a feeling of weakness.
7. Asking for help is a strength
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Admitting weakness is one thing. But the ability to ask for help is like leveling up times ten. Asking for help is hard for a lot of people. But unhappy people flat-out refuse.
They won’t admit that asking for help is a sign of strength and signals self-awareness, good communication, vulnerability, humility, and lack of ego — all positive traits that draw people toward us.
Unhappy people seem to believe that if they can’t solve every problem on their own — if they can’t sustain living on an island in a sea full of people — they’ve somehow failed. We live in a highly toxic, individualized, self-focused society. It’s the unhappy people who can’t see through the toxicity. Instead, they feed into it.
8. Failure should be expected and accepted
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Again, living up to the hype of perfection is the name of the game for unhappy people. We all fail at some point. Of course, we do. We all have weaknesses.
Nobody on this planet is going to know everything nor are they going to execute everything perfectly on the first try. That’d be impossible.
So we iterate. We try again. And sometimes, we try again and again and again until we get it right.
This is what it means to be human. Learning from failures instead of denying them. Unhappy people never try in the first place because they’re too afraid to fail — too afraid of what others might think or afraid of the smallest blow to their ego.
The most successful people on this planet have tried and failed countless times. That’s why they’re successful. Unhappy people would rather wallow in self-pity or deny their dreams altogether — pretending their ideas were stupid to begin with to avoid putting themselves out there — so they won’t have to answer questions about why they haven’t started working toward their goals.
A 2020 study by the Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates a strong link between experiencing failure and unhappiness, showing that individuals who encounter setbacks or failures often report increased feelings of depression, anxiety, and overall negative affect, mainly when they attribute the failure to personal shortcomings or lack of ability, leading to a more pronounced sense of unhappiness.
9. Placing high expectations on others leads to disappointment
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This goes back to realizing what we have control over and what we don’t have control over. Happy people seem to understand that they can’t control other people — happy people don’t even try.
Unhappy people tend to place high expectations on others and believe they’ll be able to enforce their desires by using manipulative tactics. Of course, this simply leads to more unhappiness.
Expressing our needs and setting clear boundaries is a healthy thing to do. But unhappy people take things a step too far. They expect the people in their lives to live up to their (often) unrealistic standards.
But none of us enjoy living up to other peoples’ standards. No, not at all. Even if we love that person — if their standards and expectations are too high, we begin to feel the noose tightening around our necks.
The tightening may be imperceptible at first, but it grows over time until, eventually, the ones we love — ruled by their unhappy tendencies — have pushed us away entirely. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being controlled. And when unhappy people place unrealistic expectations on loved ones, that’s exactly how they make their loved ones feel.
An article by the Harvard Division of Continuing Education found a strong link between placing high expectations on others and experiencing unhappiness, as unmet expectations often lead to disappointment, frustration, and negative emotions, potentially impacting relationship satisfaction and overall well-being. Individuals with high expectations may be more likely to perceive others’ actions as falling short, leading to dissatisfaction even when others act appropriately.
10. Solitude and loneliness aren’t the same thing
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Unhappy people can’t stand being alone. For some, it’s so uncomfortable that the sheer thought of solitude makes their skin crawl.
But solitude is a good thing. I’d even argue, it’s a necessity for growth and wellbeing. Without solitude, we have no time to think and reflect. And without reflection, there’s no room for personal growth.
Unhappy people avoid solitude at all costs, ultimately believing solitude and loneliness are one and the same. But believe me when I say, they are not the same.
I’ve been in crowded rooms full of people and felt extremely lonely. When we fail to connect with others on a deeper level, loneliness is sure to follow, regardless of how many people we’re surrounded by.
Unhappy people are too scared to sit alone with their own thoughts. Perhaps they fear what they’ll encounter. Perhaps they’re scared of change or of facing their own demons head on.
But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that clarity thrives in solitude. And what do we have without clarity and peace? Unhappiness.
The National Institute on Aging demonstrates a strong link between solitude and unhappiness, with studies showing that feelings of loneliness are significantly associated with increased depressive symptoms, anxiety, and overall reduced well-being. Essentially, the more isolated someone feels, the more likely they will experience unhappiness.
Again, this article has nothing to do with depression — a clinical issue that takes professional skill and ability to treat. Depression requires a diagnosis. If you believe you might be depressed, please seek professional help so you can begin the healing process.
Depression and unhappiness are not the same. Unhappy people are all around us. They’re the people who grumble and complain at every opportunity. They’re the ones who, without fail, get in their own way repeatedly while never learning from past mistakes.
They’re stubborn, fixed and unwilling to change. They’re drinking from a half full glass and they are forever victims.
We all know somebody who seems chronically unhappy. And while it’s not our job to help them per se, sometimes just being there to lend an ear or to be a shoulder to cry on is all it takes to elevate them.
Because you never know, it may be your simple act of kindness that promotes self-awareness in an unhappy friend or family member. And hopefully, over time, that increased self-awareness might prompt a willingness to change. Because we could all use an extra dose of happiness from time to time.
Shlee Speilman is an aimless learner, experimental writer, pseudo-professional home chef, dog mom, cat mom, kid mom, wife. Writing on mental health, wellness, self-improvement and perspective.
