Have a “friend” who constantly strings you along with promises to meet up but never follows through? Sounds like you’re being “breadcrumbed.”
This is when someone enjoys the perks of being friends with you but doesn’t want to put any effort into the friendship. They basically just want to show they are close to you without actually being close to you.
They tend to have very inconsistent behavior which often leaves you confused about where you stand with them and why they’re acting this way.
Here are 9 confusing signs you’re being ‘breadcrumbed’ by a friend:
1. They text periodically but rarely agree to plans
Breadcrumbers will check in with you every now and then, giving you hope that the friendship will persist, but will shy away from meeting up with you in-person.
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They’ll try to change the topic or come up with excuses as to why they can’t meet up after gushing about how they have to see you soon.
Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD at the Cleveland Clinic, explained, “With breadcrumbers, there’s very little talk of what we’re doing next week, or where is this relationship going? Everything is very in the moment.”
2. They cancel on you last minute constantly
Even agreeing to plans isn’t a guarantee anymore because barely even an hour before you’re supposed to go out, they’re texting you about how they got stuck watching their niece or having a headache.
Of course, these reasons would be totally valid if not for the fact that there has been a pattern of them suddenly becoming unavailable.
3. When you do meet up, you hardly hear from them for weeks after
On the off chance they do agree to grab lunch or get a quick coffee, no matter how pleasant of a time the two of you shared, they’ll ghost you for weeks afterward.
The experience may leave you quite confused. You seemed to hit it off when you saw them, but now they won’t return your messages.
4. They send you mixed signals
Just when you think things are going well between you guys, they go cold out of nowhere. Unfortunately, the truth is they don’t see you as a very important part of their lives, so once you’re out of their sightline — well, you know what they say, “out of sight, out of mind.”
Dr. Monica Vermani, a Canada-based clinical psychologist, told CNN, “A friend may feign interest and connection without any intention of getting together, traveling or engaging in a real, genuine friendship, but in reality only call you when they need something from you. Often, in these relationships, the target feels used and not a real priority of their abuser.”
It may seem like they are purposefully engaging in behavior to confuse you, but they don’t value your friendship enough to care.
5. They only interact with you occasionally via social media
They like your posts, swipe on your stories, and message you posts that make you laugh, but only enough to keep you satisfied. The second you respond to that swipe-up or DM, they’ll leave you on delivered or, worse, seen.
6. They use very vague language when speaking to you
Words like “later” and “soon” seem like normal vocabulary, but they have a distinctive advantage for breadcrumbers — they’re vague. If someone tells you they’ll talk to you soon, that’s not very specific. Different people are going to have different ideas of “soon,” which could mean a day, a week, or maybe even a month to some.
Breadcrumbers will purposely use such language to avoid accountability. If they say they’ll see you later and you don’t see them for a while after that, you can’t really call them out on it because, to them, later could be any amount of time. Plus, by the time it actually has been too long since you saw them, reaching out to them about it won’t even feel worth it.
7. Every time you try to grow closer to them, they block your attempts
Breadcrumbers will only connect with you over surface-level topics — celebrity drama, new recipes they’ve tried, and shows they find themselves rewatching. Any attempts to ask about anything of substance and they’ll redirect the conversation as quickly as they can.
According to Psychology Today, breadcrumbing friends keep their defenses up, which is why even if it feels like you’re growing closer with them for a while, they pull back so suddenly that the interaction leaves you confused.
8. You find yourself turning to others to decipher their behavior
You know it’s bad if you find yourself consulting your other friends about the breadcrumber’s behavior. ‘Why are they ghosting me? Why are they always canceling last minute?’
If no one can give you the answers you’re looking for, it’s time to face facts — you’re being led on.
9. They hardly ever reciprocate your energy
No matter how much enthusiasm you exhibit, they don’t match your energy. Excited to see them? They show little interest. Send them multiple texts at once? They send you one word back.
They do not respect you enough to be a good friend to you. They only care about reciprocation when they realize they’re falling out of your favor and you deserve better.
You deserve friends who want to hang out with you, communicate clearly with you, and put in the effort to be your friend.
So if you encounter any breadcrumbers in the future, cut them out of your life as soon as you can — it’ll save you a lot of pain.
Sahlah Syeda is a writer for YourTango who covers psychology, news, and human interest topics.
