When you’ve spent so much time with someone new, it’s not uncommon to ask, “Does he love me?” But what if he’s not truly interested in a long-term relationship? Are you making excuses for his behavior? Are you compromising and giving up on what you want in an attempt to make things work out?
Putting more time into a mismatched relationship isn’t suddenly going to make things all better. Stop wasting your time with men who aren’t a match for you. You deserve to have soul-satisfying and long-lasting love with a man who cherishes you and treats you with respect. These kinds of men aren’t unicorns. There are just as many good men in the world as there are good women. The secret is being able to recognize them when you meet them.
Here are eight subtle ways to know a man genuinely loves you:
1. He wants to be your hero
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For most men, it’s wired into their DNA that they want to be useful to you. They want to solve your problems and prove that they’re worthy of receiving your love.
If a man doesn’t want to be your hero, then he probably isn’t that interested in you. Or he’s emotionally unavailable and incapable of adding to your life. Don’t waste your time on men who aren’t secretly wearing a cape and deserving of your admiration.
Just because you can solve your problems and don’t need a man to help doesn’t mean that you’ll be happy as the problem-solver in the relationship. Find a man who’s willing to help you solve your problems as they come up in your life.
A study by the American Journal of Men’s Health suggests that men often feel a strong desire to solve problems and fix situations in relationships, which can stem from societal expectations of masculinity, a need to feel valuable and valued, and a desire to prove their worthiness of love by demonstrating competence and capability. This behavior can be particularly pronounced when they seek to impress a romantic partner.
2. He works to make you happy
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It’s not his job to make you happy — that’s your responsibility. However, a man who loves you will want to know how to make you happy and will be willing to do what it takes.
The adage, “Happy wife, happy life” is an instinctual goal of a good man. He’ll be curious about what you like and what brings you joy.
He’ll make his best efforts to do the things that you ask of him. He cares about your feelings and is actively working to bring more joy to your life.
Men who actively work to understand and fulfill their partner’s needs by listening, showing empathy, and being responsive to their partner’s emotions tend to have higher satisfaction and happier partners. A 2011 study found that this is primarily tied to emotional intelligence and the importance of feeling known and understood within a relationship.
3. He listens to how you feel and what you need
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Many men can’t make sense of how a woman feels. They’re confused by this emotional creature, and wonder why you can’t just be more logical about what’s going on. This doesn’t mean that they’re not willing to hear about your feelings, they’re just a little confused by them.
How a man reacts to your emotional life tells you a lot about whether or not he’s worth your time and devotion. A man who contradicts, denies, or gets defensive when you share your feelings may not be capable of giving you what you need.
Is he willing to listen to how you feel and respond to what you need? He may not always understand, but he’ll want to know how you feel and what you need so he can comfort you when you’re upset.
Share with him how you feel and what you need and see how he responds. He may not be capable of giving you what you ask, so give him time to think about your request. A man worth your time and devotion will find a way to meet your needs.
4. He’s willing to make it up to you
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Everyone makes mistakes. But it’s how someone responds when they make a mistake that tells you a lot about what they’re capable of. A man who loves you will be willing to own his mistakes and do what’s necessary to make it up to you.
Don’t waste your time with men who won’t take responsibility. You’re not your man’s mother nor are you his savior. It’s not your responsibility to live with his mistakes or to clean them up for him.
Look for a man who’s capable of apologizing when he screws up, takes responsibility for his behavior, and is willing to make amends. When he does what’s necessary to make it up to you, you’ll find your love and respect for him will grow even stronger.
5. He doesn’t change you
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Have you ever been with a man who professes love for you, and then proceeds to want to change everything about you, from your wardrobe to your strategies for dealing with conflict?
This man is in love with a fantasy of who he thinks you are. A man who truly loves you will love and accept you as is — without the desire to change you.
On some level, everyone desires to be loved for who they are. Find a man who accepts you — the real, authentic you, not some delusion he created in his mind — and loves you without the desire to change you.
Research by the American Psychological Association (APA) suggests that men may sometimes resist changing their partners due to a complex mix of factors, including traditional masculinity norms, fear of losing control, insecurity about their own identity within the relationship, and a desire for stability and familiarity, potentially leading them to prefer partners who appear already complete rather than actively encouraging personal growth or significant change.
6. He’s willing to work through conflict
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Conflict is a natural part of any intimate relationship. If ignored, it will always be there under the surface. Working through your differences and conflicts as they occur brings you closer to your beloved while avoiding them only creates distance between you.
A man who loves you will be willing to work through conflicts as they arise. It may be bumpy at times — and it won’t always be pretty — but working through conflict together will deepen your love over time.
A man who tries to enforce his way as the only way or discounts your disagreements as not important doesn’t value you. He’s behaving more like a dictator than a partner.
While men may sometimes be perceived as less willing to engage in open conflict discussion, studies published by the University of Oxford indicate that when motivated, they can be effective at working through conflict, particularly when it aligns with the “male warrior hypothesis” – prioritizing group cohesion and resolving conflict quickly to maintain social order within a group. However, this can be influenced by factors like gender role expectations and individual personality traits.
7. He makes an effort to honor your requests
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You shouldn’t spend your time in a relationship where you don’t get what you need. A man who makes an effort to honor your requests is a man who loves you.
His efforts may not always be met with success,but that doesn’t mean he’s not trying. Change in behavior can take time as old habits can be hard to break.
Beware the man who agrees to honor your requests but never does anything about them. He may just want to avoid conflict by placating you and agreeing. But if he’s not making any effort, then he’s not really interested in meeting your requests.
Is he making an effort to meet your requests? Acknowledge his effort, and you will see a positive change in your relationship.
While traditional gender roles might portray men as less emotionally expressive, many men are capable of actively making efforts to understand and provide for their partners’ needs, especially when they value the relationship and feel emotionally connected.
However, societal expectations of masculinity can sometimes hinder this behavior. Research by Frontiers in Psychology also shows that men may prioritize providing instrumental support, like practical help, over emotional support, which can vary depending on individual differences and cultural contexts.
8. He’ll claim you
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One of the most attractive things a man can do is to claim you. Have you been in a relationship where you felt insecure and unsure of his feelings for you? Like he was holding something back and not ready to step up?
A man who loves you will claim you. He’ll want the world to know his love for you. He’ll show you off to his family and friends. He’ll want to take you off the market, so no other man can have you.
No man is perfect. He will have flaws, make mistakes, and disappoint you at times. But ultimately, a man who loves you will do what it takes to make your love last.
If you desire long-lasting, soul-satisfying love, these signs show that he’s in it for the long haul with you and not just looking for something convenient. You will be rewarded with a deep, lasting love that can stand the test of time.
Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that men often tend to express their love by claiming or putting a label on a relationship earlier than women, a phenomenon sometimes called the male confession bias, which means they might be more likely to say ‘I love you’ first in a romantic relationship. This pattern seems to hold across different cultures and is observed in various studies on relationship dynamics.
Orna and Matthew Walters have been soulmate coaches for over a decade and helped thousands of readers create long-lasting love.
