More and more, I am surrounded by women over 35 years of age who want to get married but cannot find a suitable partner. They have heard the best places to go for singles over 35, have been set up on numerous blind dates, have joined online dating, and still don’t have a ring on their finger. These women are educated, have great jobs, and great homes, are gorgeous, and would make the perfect wives. So what’s really wrong?
Here are four commonly repeated habits of perpetually single people:
1. Life has taught them to be critical
Men are emotional beings just as women are. They enjoy being intimate, but they want to build a life with women who are kind and loving. According to a survey by the University of Göttingen, most men want to be with a woman who’s kind.
Men like a confident woman who is capable of loving herself and others. Men do not like mean women. If a man is drawn to a mean woman, it says more about his family of origin than it does about the woman. Be careful… do you want to be with a man who likes mean women? Really?
2. Their standard of measurement is askew
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Often, women who want to marry but aren’t married are still looking for someone cute. Physical attraction is important, but in regards to a husband, what is most important are honesty and character.
One study from Florida State University reported that the healthiest marriages were those where the woman was the looker, not the guy. If you have a particular “cute level” they must achieve, you need to look in the mirror again with your makeup washed off, because this is the way your husband will see you each morning.
3. They’re not honest with themselves.
The majority of single women over 35 who want to be married are in relationships with people that they don’t really love or see a future with. They lie to these guys and tell them such things as, “Yeah, it’s okay if we don’t get married.” But they’re only hurting themselves by not being honest about what they need.
They move in with him and begin a life, many times committing years of their lives to a man who is never going to commit to them because they are afraid if they tell him the truth he will leave. If you want to get married, make it known, be authentic up front, and don’t settle for someone who is still trying to flirt with everything he sees. Research from 2021 confirms that being honest with yourself can lead to greater life satisfaction.
4. They don’t like themselves
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Women who are single and over a certain age become very self-focused. They begin to see all of their flaws (especially with looks).
The world becomes centered on them. The more this happens, the more they repel others. Soon, they find themselves alone and begin to think they don’t deserve anyone. When a man is looking for a wife, any vibes of self-hate come through loud and clear.
Somehow, they get that you cannot possibly love them any more than you can love yourself. If you disgust them, how can you possibly love them?
The only reason to get married is because you have decided that this person brings out the very best in you and you in them. The thought of not sharing your life with them is worse than the thought of losing everything else in your life. It takes that kind of commitment from both of you.
There are benefits to liking yourself and having high self-esteem; research from 2023 shows that it can lead to higher confidence, reduced anxiety and depression, and improved mental health.
Marriage is a lifestyle; the vows are sacred. Prepare yourself to be a good partner instead of focusing on how messed up single guys/women are over 35 years of age.
Mary Jo Rapini MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy counselor.
