Morning friends,
Could you all do me a favor? I want to do a webinar or e-book or similar on The Lies in Christian Marriages That Lead to Crazy Making.
Here are a few examples:
- The man always has the final say because he’s the head
- Unconditional love means unconditional relationship
- Forgiving means forgetting and putting the past behind you
- Promising “For Better and For Worse” means Jesus wants you to stay in an abusive marriage at all costs or at any price
- God hates all divorce
I would love to hear from our blog family of the things you’ve heard from your spouse, pastor, and/or church leaders about what God says you should do, think or feel in your destructive marriage that has made you feel confused, scared, and/or a little crazy.
Thank you in advance for this and as soon as I’m ready to teach on it, you will all be one of the first groups to know.
Todays’ Question: What is a Christian woman’s response toward a husband who uses porn? Life with him has become awful. He is preoccupied with women everywhere we go. Worshipping the Lord beside him is especially difficult for me as his eyes are feasting on women. I long to be able to truly worship without struggling to lay aside my anger.
Answer: I’m sure many women reading this blog will resonate with your pain and anger. I don’t think you need to lay aside your anger about this to worship God. God is angry too. Your husband’s behaviors are wrong; damaging to him, to you, and to your marriage. Don’t feel guilty about feeling angry. Just be careful on how you express your anger.
Sadly, many men struggle with pornography and sexual addiction these days. Satan has a foothold into men’s hearts and homes and the church have not done a very good job at validating the devastating impact this habit has on one’s mind and body and marriage. Perhaps some church leaders are reluctant to come down hard on this problem. According to surveys conducted by Barna Research, a sizable percentage of pastors also struggle with pornography problems.
Secular research and brain science are starting to speak about the damaging effects of watching pornography. Here are some TED talks that are sobering to watch. If you’re a mom of young boys, please watch the videos and, if you can, ask your husband to watch it too.
https://www.ted.com/talks/zimchallenge
http://sexual-sanity.com/2013/02/ted-talk-highlights-brain-changes-that-stem-from-porn/
Jesus takes pornography very seriously. He says, “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye – even your good eye- causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand – even your stronger hand – causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Matthew 5:27-30.
Jesus tells men to take this sin of lusting with one’s eyes seriously and to take decisive action to deal with it. Gouging out one’s eye or cutting off one’s hand will not keep someone from lusting, but Jesus is saying, “Do what it takes to deal with this problem NOW.” Sadly, many men don’t listen.
Instead, they think they can play with fire and not get burned. But this is mistaken thinking. The book of Proverbs warns serial sexual addicts that they will regret not taking action to deal with this problem. The writer of Proverbs warns, “In the end, you will groan in anguish when disease consumes your body. You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings! Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” Proverbs 5:11-13.
Paul tells us that there should be no sexual immorality among us and that such sins have no place among God’s people. He goes on to say that we should not be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. And later he tells us to expose the worthless deeds of evil and darkness (See Ephesians 5).
What does this mean for your question, “What is a Christian woman’s response to a husband who uses porn?” My answer is “it depends.” It depends on your husband’s response to his struggle with porn.
Does he hate it? Is he repentant? As Jesus advised, is he doing everything within his power to stop this habit, even when it costs him? For example, is he willing to be without the Internet? Is he willing to put controls on his computer? Is he going for help with his thoughts? Is he honest and open with you about his struggle and is he willing to be held accountable? And, is he grateful for a wife who holds him accountable for his behaviors so that he doesn’t burn himself and his entire family down to the ground with his own foolish fantasies?
If so, then a Christian wife’s response would be to be gracious and forgiving, coupled with an uncompromising stance against allowing such evil in her home and marriage. No woman in her right mind, Christian or otherwise, would allow her husband to bring another woman into their home to have sex.
In the same way, if he is not repentant or desiring to change, no woman should turn the other way or close her eyes to knowing her husband is ogling another woman or watching pornography. It degrades her and demeans him and the other women.
However, your next step, in this case, requires something from you. It requires that you have the courage, strength, and faith in God to stand up for what’s good, true and right in your home, your marriage, and for your husband’s welfare. It requires you to expose what’s going on regardless of the cost and draw a line in the sand that says, “No more. If that’s what you want I can’t stop you, but I won’t live like this.” – Click To Tweet
This is a tough stance for many women to take, but I believe until you do, your husband will continue to behave as if he can have his cake and eat it too. He can enjoy all the perks of home and marriage and still live as if he’s a man who has no responsibilities to you, his family, or God. Don’t let him.
Remember, this is not just his life, it’s also yours. Your strong stand is the only thing, short of losing his job or health that will get his attention and hopefully motivate him to face his issue. If he refuses, then it’s time you quit enabling his habit to destroy you and your children.
Friend, what has been your response when you have discovered that your husband has a habit watching pornography?
