Dating someone new can be exciting and can even lead to love. When getting serious with someone, it’s important to open up and be vulnerable with them.
This can be scary for some people, and it can cause someone to self-sabotage a great relationship because they’re scared. If we want the rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. We asked YourTango expert and psychotherapist Abby Rodman for advice on sharing baggage from your past with a new lover.
Here are 4 ways to share your baggage with a man without scaring him off:
1. Don’t share on the first date
“Big secrets in relationships just don’t work,” says Rodman, who’s also the author of Should You Marry Him? “They put up walls and create distance between partners.” There’s no concrete rule about the right time to come clean.
You want to avoid surprises, especially any that could harm your new romantic partner, but taking time to build trust is perfectly normal. A person needs to know if you have an STD before you are intimate. But no one needs to hear about your cheating ex on a first date.
2. Remember that not every secret needs to be shared
cottonbro studio / Pexels
The good news is that you aren’t required to tell your new partner everything. “I’m not sure we’d even want or expect that from our partners,” Rodman says. “Skeletons are, at their core, secrets — and sometimes they’re best left alone.” However, making us vulnerable and confiding in others also builds relationships, research from 2019 suggests. Rodman suggests asking yourself these questions when deciding what to share with a new partner:
A. What is my high-level purpose in revealing this secret to my partner?
B. Does the quality/length of this relationship lend itself to my revelations?
C. Am I safe in knowing my partner will treat my confession with respect and love?
D. Am I going to do more good than harm in revealing this skeleton?
3. Think about how you want to say something before you say it
You can share spontaneously, but it’s easier for everyone involved if you think about what you want to say and anticipate how your partner might react. Rodman suggests talking it out with a close friend or therapist first, so you can figure out a way to reveal your truth in a way that doesn’t make you feel ashamed.
If you’re in a loving, supportive relationship, coming clean about your past won’t change how your partner feels about you, but he or she still may be surprised or upset about what you share. The most important thing for both of you is to react to each other’s feelings respectfully.
“If you’re about to reveal something painful to your partner, give him a heads up that you’re about to share something with him that is hard for you,” Rodman advises. “Let him know you’re afraid he might judge you or even leave you once he has this information. Give him a chance to react to that feeling in you — and not just the skeleton itself.”
4. Observe how someone responds to a small share before divulging a big share
Alexander Mass / Pexels
It’s hard to put yourself out there and reveal your secrets, but it could also come with a great reward — knowing that you’re with the right person. Closely observe how your partner reacts to your revelation, both long- and short-term.
Perhaps he will reciprocate and reveal personal information of his own, or express sympathy for something that happened to you. His actions may change for the better in light of what you’ve shared. Sharing secrets, research from 2023 states, allows people to feel closer to one another.
The most important thing is feeling accepted, not judged for what has happened in the past. “When you share a secret with the right partner, he now has the honor of protecting that secret as well — especially if it has brought you a lot of pain,” Rodman says.
“He then has the opportunity to help you heal from the shame and guilt that may have plagued you for a long time. In relationships, there’s nothing more valuable — or beautiful — than that.”
Amanda Green is a writer with experience in copywriting, branded content, social media, and editorial.
