It feels like being happy should come easily, but for most people that isn’t always the case. In fact, at one point in life, we all have to work hard to be happy. The problem is, some people rely far too much on others to provide their sense of joy and worth. That foundation is shaky and does harm not just to the person dependant upon it — but to those they depend on, as well.Â
Nine signs a person relies too much on others in to be happy
1. They prioritize helping others over taking care of themselves
They offer to help loved ones and then never have time to do the things they want to do. Often, this leads to resentment and misplaced blame.
2. Their fear of disappointing others puts them in uncomfortable situations
They find it hard to say no, so they end up doing things they’d rather not. For the people around them, it’s hard to trust that their agreement is genuine.
3. They are masters at compromiseÂ
They feel that their ability to meet in the middle is a gift, and it is! But when it goes too far, they end up miserable.Â
4. They bottle up their authentic feelings
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They fear that asking for something different might feel like critique and push people away. This causes them to tolerate things they don’t enjoy, without anyone realizing there’s a problem.Â
5. They seem to attract people who treat them like a doormat
They struggle to assert themselves in relationships and may become passive, helpless, taken advantage of, or even harmed.
6. They lose track of who they truly are in relationships (other than just a good friend/partner)
They accommodate the needs of others, so much so that they lose themselves relationships. When their needs aren’t met, they end up unhappy and ready to blame the other person.Â
7. They “go with the flow” and end up somewhere they never wanted to be
They go with the flow so often, they feel like a passenger in life.Â
8. They are OK with being the last priority until something happens and they need support
They may become distant or feel unloved in relationships by believing their partner is the problem, because they don’t meet their needs. They may then demand change from their partner without knowing what would actually help themselves feel supported.Â
9. They may blame others for causing their unhappinessÂ
They often don’t realize that by not standing up for themselves, asserting their needs or setting boundaries, they actually prevent their own long-term happiness.
Professor Vanessa Carbonell explores how if you sacrifice yourself for the sake of making others happy, this can mean you stop activating your “self” in life or stop living your actual life, becoming unhappy when you focus on everyone else.
To discover happiness, it’s important to get in touch with your real self
Psychiatrist James Masterson describes those who heavily invest in others as having a “false self,” whereby the person adapts their behavior to meet the needs of others, therefore giving up the real self who invests in themselves.
Whenever you overly focus on others and not yourself, you lose your capacity to function fully for yourself, causing all kinds of problems in life, including depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and more.
This means the false self appeases others based on the need to avoid feelings of inadequacy, fears of abandonment, or feeling they are not good enough, which the person has internalized from their childhood.
The real self hides behind the defensive false self to mask how they feel deep down
It’s only by “unmasking” the real self that you can choose happiness in your life. This requires you to work on the negative feelings and modify how they feel deep down to unleash the real self and find happiness.
Constantly searching for happiness in other people means you’ll end up finding fault in others because you make others responsible for how you feel about yourself.
An article in the Journal of Happiness Studies suggests if you stopped living your own life because you’re so focused on making others happy, then you’re not living according to your real self.
When you passively comply with others’ needs, then you’re living everyone else’s life. You forget how to do things for yourself. You feel you’re a passenger in your life, with no self-direction, letting others guide you.
Searching for happiness outside of yourself makes you blame life — or other people — for being happy or unhappy
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This pattern is problematic because it means you’re giving up on yourself in the hope others can make you feel good. It usually means you don’t value yourself, or you feel unworthy deep down inside.
No one can make you happy. Focusing on making others happy just distracts you from focusing on yourself.
When you feel good about yourself, you can ask for what you need. However, when you don’t feel good enough, you feel like you don’t deserve things in life. You refuse to put yourself out there because you feel unworthy of doing so.
You might give up on your health or avoid a job you want. Instead, you may focus on pleasing your partner.
Making others happy at your expense doesn’t guarantee others will make you happy. It’s risky to put your happiness in other people in the hope others can make you feel good about yourself.
You may blame others for judging you or belittling you when, in fact, you belittle yourself. When you project your feelings onto others and think they’re judging you, you avoid doing things that may make you happy.
If you don’t acknowledge your self-criticism and deny it, you’ll continue to blame others for how you feel and let your emotions run out of control.
Relationships fall apart when you search for happiness in others instead of locating happiness within yourself
You might have become trapped in a pattern of pleasing others and negating yourself. You may not be aware of it, but perhaps you didn’t feel good enough or felt berated unless you pleased your caregivers. Perhaps you acted out to get attention or to get your needs met.
If you learned to emotionally accommodate the needs of a caregiver, then it is likely you may replay this pattern of giving up yourself to accommodate the needs of others to win their love or approval, as explained by Sara R Berzenski, Ph.D. This pattern keeps you stuck.
So, when you’re focusing on saying and doing what others want, you’re not being true to yourself and end up feeling unfulfilled.
You may even start to blame your partner for your unhappiness and resent them because the relationship becomes all about meeting their needs, not yours.
You may not be aware of it, but deep down, you may be feeling your needs don’t matter, you’re not important, or you’re in the way.
Unless you get in touch with your actual feelings and break the pattern of pleasing people, you can’t embrace happiness.
Avoiding your feelings keeps you stuck in the pattern of needing others for approval
You may not acknowledge the underlying negative feelings you have about yourself that stem from your past. Instead, you may think your partner is selfish, demanding, or controlling when you’ve let them get their way, out of your pattern of pleasing them to obtain their approval and giving up yourself. Perhaps you have let the relationship become all about them, not about you.
The more you hold others responsible for your feelings and externalize your problems as being everyone else’s fault, the more you blame others for your unhappiness.
If you locate your happiness as coming from outside of yourself, then you will most likely not find happiness within yourself.
How to search for self-fulfillment and happiness in your own life
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Happiness occurs when you find yourself and discover your own needs.
If you cannot locate your real self, then you’ll feel unhappy in all aspects of life because you’re passively letting life go on and not in control of yourself.
An analysis in the American Psychologist Journal discusses the importance of developing confidence in yourself when you do things to enhance your actual self and follow pursuits of the real self so you can fully flourish in all aspects of life, including work, relationships, and study.
By giving up the expectations of others to make you feel happy, you can look for happiness within. This allows you to give up blaming everyone else for being unhappy, which will undo the patterns that keep you stuck.
When you break the patterns of finding happiness in others as part of the false self, then you can be free to be your real self and flourish in all aspects of life. Real happiness comes from within — and when you find it, you’ll know it’s not for anyone else to control but you.
Nancy Carbone is an author, relationship therapist, and psychodynamic therapist. She specializes in the treatment of personality disorders and relational trauma and is accredited as a mental health social worker.
