There’s nothing more frustrating than discovering the guy you’ve been with is using you for temporary companionship. In your gut, you’ve seen the writing on the wall; he’s happy to spend time with you but never moves to kiss you, hold your hand, or flirt.
Instead of obsessing about how to win him over, maybe it’s time to take a new approach to love and dating and get out of the role of “emotional pillow” so you can make room for lasting love with someone who deserves your attention.
Here are seven signs a man is using you as his personal therapist:
1. You’re convenient
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Do you respond immediately when he texts? Does he ask you to join him at the last minute, saying he has an extra ticket? He may see you as a convenient option for companionship (maybe even friends with benefits).
Interestingly, in a 2000 study by Bleske and Buss, men tended to label women they’d slept with as “just friends” — about double the rate of women. So keep this in mind when it seems like he’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you — it’s unlikely to be anything more than just a good time unless he’s trying to take you out and impress you. You’ve been friend-zoned if you constantly end up with his last-minute plus-one.
2. He’s all talk but doesn’t take the time to date you
The same applies to long phone conversations that don’t lead to dates—he may be using you as a complimentary therapist to discuss his life issues without paying for the privilege.
Long, heartfelt conversations can feel like you’re building emotional intimacy, but if he doesn’t try to see you in person, he’s not interested in anything more than talking.
A study of 889 adults found that men were more likely to report having a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship than women, so understand that with guys, talk is cheap — if he wants a relationship with you, he’ll want to take you out on dates, so pay attention to his actions.
3. He says you’re “like a sister” to him
If he says, “You’re like a sister to me.” or “I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend!” or “I don’t want to damage our friendship,” then you’ve been friend-zoned. These not-so-subtle statements should be taken at face value. He’s telling you he doesn’t see romance in the future with you.
4. He asks for your advice
A man who is romantically interested in you won’t ask for your advice — he’ll want to impress you. He may value your opinion and respect you, but you’ve been friend-zoned if he’s not trying to be your hero and instead wants your help.
5. You constantly console him
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If he’s sharing his frustrations and looking for a shoulder to cry on, he isn’t looking for a relationship. Instead, he wants a friend he can come to when feeling down. Unfortunately, being his emotional support person won’t make him want to woo you and claim you for his own.
6. He always talks about his ex
A guy constantly talking about his ex and sharing all the details of their messy breakup doesn’t see you as a potential romantic partner. He’s comfortable airing his dirty laundry and looking for someone to help him feel better about himself.
Many research studies have indicated men may take longer than women to get over their exes, but if he’s hung up on her, you probably want to give him time and space to grow up a little.
You want to be in a relationship with a man, not a boy. Let’s face it: this guy is not emotionally available even if he was into you that way.
7. His intentions are vague
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A man who wants a relationship will pursue you for a relationship. He won’t keep things vague and casual. He’s either keeping his options open, waiting for something better, or not emotionally ready to settle down. If you’re filling in the space for companionship now, he won’t see you as a romantic partner even when he’s ready.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches, the founders of Creating Love On Purpose, which takes a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks into love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.
