Romantic relationships today carry heavy expectations. We want our partner to be our best friend, confidant, co-parent, caregiver, and lover. This is a lot to ask of one person; no wonder many relationships struggle under the weight of these expectations.
Our culture has elevated romantic love to the status of religion, placing on it the burden of delivering happiness, purpose, and well-being. But the truth is, your partner can’t complete you. Instead, look outside the relationship for fun, connection, and stimulation. That isn’t disloyal; it’s healthy.
“Friends With Benefits”
Let’s face it, you and your partner won’t share every interest. Maybe you’re into whisky tastings, and they’d rather go to the spa. Perhaps they love televised sports while you’re passionate about art and anime. Trying to force a shared interest can lead to resentment and boredom.
Instead, do these things with people who genuinely share your enthusiasm. Watch the game with mates or go to the gallery with a coworker. By outsourcing certain activities, you enjoy your interests fully, and your partner gets the benefit of a break or the chance to see their family and friends.
When relationships are new, it’s exciting to do everything together, but, over time, it’s OK to keep some interests separate. The balance of shared activities and personal time is essential for a healthy relationship.
Practice the Art of “Subtraction”
Our instinct is often to add more—more activities, more shared hobbies—as a fix for feeling unfulfilled. Studies show that people tend to assume the best way to improve just about anything is to add to it—whether it’s ingredients in a recipe or stops on a travel itinerary. In reality, improvement often comes from taking things away.
The same is true with relationships where this tendency to “add” can backfire. When feeling disconnected, couples often think the solution is to spend more time together or take up joint hobbies—anyone for tennis or salsa lessons? But, as many discovered during COVID-19 lockdowns, too much togetherness can feel stifling.
What many couples need is space and independence. Less is often more. Time apart and variety in your routines make shared moments more meaningful. Absence really does seem to make the heart grow fonder, and time apart gives each of you the chance to miss and appreciate each other.
The one area where “outsourcing” typically doesn’t apply is sex. While open relationships work for some, they are complex and come with the need to manage additional emotional layers. For most couples, this isn’t a practical solution. If you’re feeling unfulfilled, look for non-romantic ways to bring variety and newness into your life first.
Don’t Lean on Your Partner—Lean in Instead
Of course, being in a relationship is about supporting each other, but your partner isn’t your therapist or life coach. If you’re relying on them for constant motivation, reassurance, or stress relief, you risk creating a dynamic that can feel draining for both of you.
Popular culture has taught us that relationships “complete” us. But it’s romanticized rubbish. You are a separate individual, responsible for your own well-being. If you have personal challenges and stuff to sort out, get some help. Don’t look to your partner to solve your problems and don’t assume responsibility for theirs either.
It’s not your partner’s job to make sure you eat healthy, take regular exercise, or go to bed on time. You don’t need nagging, motivating, reminding, or reassuring. It’s boring for the other person. Watch any tendencies you have to need looking after by your partner.
Share the Love
Humans are social creatures. In our modern, atomised, individualistic world, we’ve often lost that sense of community. While your romantic partner is important, maintaining friendships and social connections outside the relationship is essential.
Relationships Essential Reads
Try to widen your social circle. Reconnect with old friends, stay in touch with current friends, make time for family, and cultivate friendships at work or in your community. Join a club, take up a hobby, and don’t always skip drinks after work with colleagues.
And remember, your partner doesn’t need to be your plus-one for everything. Your friends and family enjoy seeing you alone—even when they genuinely like your partner.
Find Your Community
In today’s age, it’s easier than ever to find people who share your interests. Whether you love vintage cars, genealogy, soap carving, creative writing, film criticism, or political debate, your community is often only a click or an Uber ride away.
These communities can be a source of joy and support, helping you meet your needs and keeping your relationship fresh. Having unique experiences allows you to bring new stories, insights, and energy back into the relationship, too.
Conclusion: Look Beyond Your Partner for Fulfillment
In modern relationships, we often expect too much from our partners while asking too little of ourselves and those around us. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to take responsibility for your own happiness and fulfillment by building a rich, varied life outside of your romantic relationship. Don’t neglect friends, family, or personal passions, and avoid relying on your partner for everything.
Ultimately, your goal is to be a high-value partner—someone interesting, self-sufficient, and fulfilled, who is a pleasure to be with. So “stray” from your relationship. See lots of other people, cultivate multiple relationships, flirt with lots of different interests, and play the field. It will do your relationship a world of good.
