How can the “upward spiral” of gratitude help you and your relationship?
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“Struggle ends when gratitude begins.” ~ Neale Donald Walsh
Sometimes, the best and most powerful fixes are the simplest ones.
When life feels chaotic and stressful, lonely and disconnected, or simply like you’re drifting along aimlessly, it can seem like you need a major change.
Instead of implementing a bold new life plan, you may only need a simple perspective shift.
Your relationship thrives when you’re gracious in your gratitude and don’t take the good for granted.
How to Boost Gratitude
Gratitude is the warmth you feel when you experience kindness or generosity or cherish and savor the good things you have. It’s the sense of having something meaningful that connects you to others. Gratitude is recognizing that you’ve experienced a positive outcome and that it wasn’t entirely your own doing (Emmons and McCullough, 2003). To feel more gratitude, ask yourself:
- What small everyday things do you have now that you would have been impressed by 10 years ago?
- What do you have right now that your 100-year-old self would look back on fondly?
- What’s something in your life that you take for granted but others don’t have?
The Upward Spiral of Gratitude: Benefits for Relationships
When my daughter was young, we would remind her about the importance of having an “attitude of gratitude.” There’s a good reason for that. Research shows that expressing gratitude helps alleviate anxiety and depression and boost emotional and social well-being (Diniz and colleagues, 2023). Practicing gratitude is important for life and relationships.
Studies have shown that expressing gratitude triggers the release of oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone,” which helps strengthen the connection and bond between individuals (Algoe and Way, 2014). Gratitude is also helpful because it creates what psychologists call an “upward spiral” in relationships.
Research shows that genuine gratitude triggers a fascinating chain reaction: the person receiving gratitude feels more socially valued and becomes more likely to invest in the relationship, giving the original person more to be grateful for. For example, participants who expressed more gratitude reported greater humility, which, in turn, was associated with greater gratitude (Kruse and colleagues, 2014). Similarly, those more responsive to their partner’s needs experience more gratitude in relationships, encouraging further responsiveness (Algoe and Chandler, 2024).
When you’re gracious about gratitude, you are more likely to:
- Notice and remember positive actions while naturally filtering out minor annoyances
- Attribute positive events to our partner’s good intentions rather than luck or circumstance
- Feel more comfortable being vulnerable, which deepens intimacy
- Experience capitalization, an amplification of positive events when shared with a grateful partner
These positive feedback loops or “upward spirals” benefit us and our romantic partners. Gratitude helps day-to-day relationship functioning and is a psychological buffer during conflicts (Barton and colleagues, 2023). Couples who express more gratitude tend to communicate better during disagreements and report feeling more emotionally safe even when discussing problems such as financial strains. In addition, those randomly assigned to express more gratitude over a month reported greater well-being for themselves and their relationship (Algoe and Zhaoyang, 2015)
The Gratitude Shift: 10 Ways to Say Thank You, Not Sorry
A gratitude shift is the conscious shift of your focus away from what’s missing, challenging, or complex toward an appreciation for what’s good, positive, and enhancing your well-being. Instead of apologizing or dwelling on shortcomings, you focus on a mindset of thank you. This subtle change can boost self-compassion and help you notice others’ kindness, creating a ripple effect of positivity and connection.
Gratitude Essential Reads
Here are ten ways to use the gratitude shift:
Simple ways to use a “gratitude shift”
Source: Gary W. Lewandowski Jr.
Counting the small, everyday blessings you may take for granted can create an upward spiral of positivity that strengthens your relationships and overall well-being. Being gracious with your gratitude helps you notice and appreciate others’ kindness, boosts self-compassion, and inspires us to pay that kindness forward.
