If you want to know how to get a guy to like you, there’s one thing you need to stop doing: chasing him! Unfortunately, the most common early dating mistakes women make all circle back to one thing: chasing. When you chase a man, you not only tend to unwittingly push him away but, in the end, you don’t give him the chance to show you how he feels about you.
It’s best to feel free and have fun getting to know this person. Even better if the two of you get closer over time and a real connection is built. Take it easy, don’t freak out, and know that the more you date then the easier it gets and you’ll know what to do if something ever doesn’t work out, it’s not going to harm anyone if ask what went wrong as you’re just trying to see what works best and worst for you. Either way, there’s some advice that you should take into mind before getting back into the dating game.
Here are ten things that end a man’s attraction to you, no matter how beautiful you are:
1. Calling him excessively
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If you feel like you’re calling him too often you probably are. This includes calling him because you heard or read about something interesting. Or maybe you knew there was a great band playing somewhere and thought he might like it. Or someone told you about some great event that you want to invite him to. At first, limit the outreach to once or twice and then let him reciprocate.
This also includes calling to ask why he hasn’t called you. Instead, wait for him to call you and this will show that he has an interest in you and actually wants to see you again.
2. Initiating contact too early
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This involves emailing him, texting him, DMing him, sending him a cute card, dropping by his house, or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact. It can be too much if you initiate too much contact after the first date as this can push away a guy easily.
If you want to see him again it’s best to let him know after the date and then he’ll be the one who can text you next. However, if you really like him and he still hasn’t texted you yet, it’s up to you if you want to send a single text if he wants to go out but let him make plans if you want him to lead things.
A 2022 study on initiating contact while dating focused on factors like gender roles, perceived attractiveness, self-esteem, social exchange theory, and the impact of initial impressions, with studies showing that who initiates contact can be influenced by these elements and can play a significant role in the development of a romantic relationship. Generally, a balanced contact initiation between partners is seen as most favorable.
3. Behaving like a cruise director
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You’re inviting him to come and join you or in any way acting like the social director of the relationship. If you end up initiating everything too much then this might push him away.
Let him take charge and make plans and you can see if you can work it out. Don’t push him around too much because this could also push him away.
A 2021 study found that actively making plans while dating can significantly contribute to relationship closeness and satisfaction, mainly when the plans involve exciting, shared activities that promote “self-expansion,” suggesting that individuals with a robust “approach” relationship goal tend to be better at planning such enriching dates, leading to greater feelings of connection with their partner.
4. Constantly asking him how he feels
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This includes, especially, asking him how he feels about you or the relationship. These are things we do almost without even thinking. These are things that feel natural to us and we excuse them by thinking we’re just being friendly.
And at the heart of this is one fear: Feeling like we’re going to lose him by not letting him know we’re interested in him. And nothing could be further from the truth!
Everything on this list is the same as putting a sign on your chest that screams needy. It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him.
He may like it. He may be flattered. He may have no one else around and so he’ll date you. He may even come to like you very much. You may even end up in a relationship with him. But, you will never know how he feels about you.
Recent research published by the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology indicates that when dating, a partner’s feelings are heavily influenced by their perception of feeling “known” and understood by their partner, which significantly impacts relationship satisfaction. Feeling like your partner truly sees and appreciates your thoughts, emotions, and experiences is critical to positive feelings during dating.
5. Thinking you can change him
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If you’re going out with a guy who you know has something that you think you could help with or treat him like your new project then that’s going to scare him away immediately. Never date a guy intending to change him for the better or stay in a relationship because you think he will change over time. That’s not the case and you’re either just going to hurt him, yourself, or both.
Instead, date someone who you like and a person that you can find good qualities in and have similar interests. Make sure he’s not just some guy you think you could get along with if… no ifs, ands, or buts.
6. Looking for perfection
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One thing you have to understand early on or you’re never going to be happy, is that you will never find the perfect guy. He can be close to perfect, however, just like the saying goes (and it’s true), nobody is perfect. If you’re treating the dating game like a hunt to find the perfect guy then your attitude totally has to change.
Instead, look out for the five most important qualities (or less) that you want in a man and if a guy has almost all of those then see where it goes, you might be surprised and find out something about them that you weren’t even expecting that you like. Either way, you’re going to need to be negotiable and not too picky.
Actively searching for a “perfect” partner while dating, often stemming from perfectionistic tendencies, can lead to significant relationship difficulties, including dissatisfaction, difficulty committing, and increased likelihood of ending relationships prematurely, as the unattainable ideal of perfection often leads to disappointment when flaws are inevitably discovered. Research by the Journal of Family Psychology found that this behavior is frequently linked to comparing potential partners to an unrealistic standard, overlooking positive qualities in favor of perceived shortcomings.
7. Jumping in too fast
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This can be a turn-off or a turn-on for many guys it all depends on what they are comfortable with or are used to.
Some people say that jumping into his bed and being intimate together on the first date is a little fast. However, others don’t think that at all. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, though, it is best to get to know a guy before the two of you sleep together, even if that’s texting for weeks before you meet up.
Plan your next date and keep him waiting for you. Give him something to look forward to.
8. Putting yourself down
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Nobody likes dating someone who is always in a negative mood. Dating should be fun and exciting and you should feel happy that you are seeing new people and fulfilling your need to feel desired and loved. If you go into dating feeling sorry for yourself or put yourself down, especially in front of your date that can be a big turn-off and no one wants to keep seeing someone who is a downer.
If you’re not ready for dating then don’t get out there, but if you want to, try and put your best foot forward and be in a good mood as you will attract any date with a nice smile and good conversation.
A 2020 study by Frontiers in Psychology found that feeling sorry for yourself while dating is often linked to low self-esteem and negative self-talk. It can stem from past relationship experiences where individuals felt rejected or undervalued, leading them to project those feelings onto new relationships and potentially sabotage their happiness. This can manifest as a tendency to focus on perceived flaws or shortcomings, making it difficult to fully engage in a healthy partnership.
9. Being too selfish
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If your past relationships have always been about you or your dates have all been planned around your schedule, then that’s not fair to your partner who is going out of their way to make it work into your schedule. Relationships take compromising and if you’re the one who never has had to compromise for a date night or weekend plans then that’s something you need to change.
Instead of always thinking about yourself, how about you take the time to think about the guy you’re dating and let them make the plans once and a while and try and change your schedule around for them this time?
Excessive selfishness in dating can stem from various factors, including low empathy, feelings of inadequacy, a lack of commitment to the relationship, underlying personality disorders like narcissism, and a tendency to prioritize one’s own needs above the partner’s. A recent study by PLoS One found that this often leads to an unbalanced and potentially damaging dynamic within the relationship.
10. Trying to find “the one”
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Whatever romantic comedy movie created this idea of “the one” in you and you’re now trying to find that in every person you meet, it’s best if you stop having that mindset now. You will find “the one” over time and you will most definitely not find it on the first date.
The more you get to know someone they become your “one” or your person. It just takes a while to find that person and you never will if you’re trying to find them right away.
Instead, take dating as a fun activity thing to do, and if you end up liking someone then see where it goes, and if you really like that person then they might end up being the one for you. Just never have great expectations when you’re in the early days of dating or you’re going to be very disappointed.
So, if you want to know how to make him want you, stop chasing after him. Instead, figure out what men want in relationships and then work on yourself. Genuine attraction won’t be far off.
We want to know what men want in a partner. We want a man to know we’re attracted and interested in him. We want to make it easy for him to ask us out again and consider being in a relationship with us. We want to seem enthusiastic and easygoing.
We know we’re not supposed to be chasing after him and, yet, we’re still doing it and in ways that we’re not even aware of.
We think being friendly is the same as showing interest in a man. We are taught to think that if we act “casual,” a man won’t notice that we’re chasing him.
But, the truth is, we are — chasing him, that is. And when we do things that seem like we’re chasing it’s a turn-off for a man. This can be a dating red flag for a guy because he could feel smothered and feel an aggressive vibe from you that does nothing to inspire him to want to get closer.
Finding ‘the one’ while dating often centers around similarity attraction, where people tend to be drawn to partners with similar values, interests, and life goals. This suggests that actively seeking out individuals with compatible traits can increase the likelihood of finding a long-term partner, according to a recent study by the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
Rori Raye is a trained relationship coach who’s helped thousands of women transform their love lives.
