Thanksgiving traditional dinner
Source: fortyforks/iStock
Beyond thoughts of turkey and sweet potatoes, most parents hope that they can create a positive holiday for all their children, including their adult children near and far. As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping mothers of adult children who have a serious mental illness (e.g., bipolar disease, schizophrenia, or major depression) and/or substance use disorder (alcohol or drugs), I hear the worries and unique challenges they face as the holidays approach. For those whose adult children are struggling with serious mental illness (SMI) or substance use disorder (SUD), many worry about their adult children’s future and wish that they could make this holiday a meaningful reprieve for them.
In my research with older mothers (Smith, 2022), I discovered how difficult it is to want to protect your son or daughter who is struggling with substance use or mental health challenges while also realizing that you no longer have the power to “fix” your adult child’s problems. Once a child is an adult, only they (along with the support of a functioning mental health system) can make the decision to take their prescribed medications or return to a rehab program.
I have called the lack of power that parents feel “difficult.” As the holidays approach, mothers of these adult children struggle with unique decisions, whether their adult children live at home, live separately, are homeless, or are “estranged.” Each of these situations has unique challenges.
One way to protect yourself from another disappointing holiday is to anticipate what might go wrong and plan around it. Having a family member with substance abuse issues or serious mental health challenges can be a realistic barrier to the Hollywood picture of a joyful family gathering. Decide in advance whether you are prepared to handle the possible disappointments that might occur. Balance the pros and cons of being with your children on this holiday.
If an adult child lives at home with mental health or substance use challenges, mothers shared with me that they worry whether their son or daughter will even emerge from their bedroom for the meal. If they don’t, mothers wonder how they should handle the questions of friends at the table who will ask, “Where is Johnny?” Knowing ahead of time what you will say can empower you to field these questions and be more comfortable with your son or daughter’s need to not be with others during the holiday.
Mothers whose adult children live independently worry whether, if invited, their son or daughter will actually appear. If they do come, how will they behave? Angry? Intoxicated? Depressed? Will this be like the many previous dinners that have been spoiled?
One mom told me that she cannot face the holidays this year. Instead, she and her husband will go to a nearby restaurant. This will be the first time in 40 years that she and her husband will not host and will not decorate their tree. Her son and daughter currently do not speak to one another. They refuse to be in the same room. While a friend had suggested that she invite her son for Thanksgiving and her daughter for Christmas, she was not ready to consider changing the 40-year tradition of everyone being together.
In contrast, another mom has made peace with the fact that holidays will never be the same in her family as long as her son refuses to seek treatment for his bipolar disease. She has created her own rituals. She decorates a small tree with her favorite ornaments. She encourages her husband to go fishing on Thanksgiving as she prepares the ornaments with which she will decorate the house in the coming weeks.
For those whose adult children have cut off contact with the family, the day is a vivid reminder of their absence (Coleman, 2021).
One mom, Sylvia, recently described to me her painful dilemma. Her daughter has untreated schizoaffective disorder and is living on the streets. Sylvia had to shut her home to her own daughter after experiencing months of Susan’s verbal abuse, which then escalated into Sylvia being physically attacked. As Thanksgiving approaches, every morning, she wakes up thinking about how hard it must be for her daughter, all alone.
Sylvia wished she could break the protective boundary she and her family created. She wants to invite Susan to be part of the family gathering. But her other three daughters and her husband will not attend any family fathering if their sister is there. Too many gatherings have been destroyed by Susan’s angry outbursts.
Joanne’s 38-year-old son lives in a trailer park 45 minutes from his parents. He, too, was evicted after several violent attacks on his mother. The family financially supports him and drops off groceries for him once a week. For Thanksgiving, Joanne will send special food.
As the holiday approaches, in addition to making cranberry sauce and finding a tablecloth, prepare yourself internally. Take stock of what you are worried about and make a realistic plan that will be the best compromise for you and your family. This could be the year to try something different that will work for you and your adult kids.
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Consider creating a new family tradition that builds on but adapts to your current situation (Imber-Black & Roberts, 1993). Trading in your rose-tinted glasses for a realistic plan might bring solace for all. Take stock of what you are grateful for and consider forgiving yourself and your kids and spouses who are not (yet) the perfect kids, husbands, or boyfriends you hoped for. Being prepared for the disappointments that the holidays can bring may allow you to be grateful for what you do have.
