Your heart is broken, and your dreams are shattered—all because you spent just short of three years1 with the person you thought might probably, possibly, be your partner for life.
How do you handle all of these feelings?
With acceptance.
1. It’s OK to want to sit in your sh*t. Just don’t sit there too long.
A 2019 study by Verhallen et al. sought to examine whether the effects of a breakup are similar to the symptoms of depression, and as you’ll probably vouch for if you’ve ever been dumped—no big surprise. Seventy-one subjects were surveyed 6 months after a breakup, and one-fourth of these subjects still reported symptoms of depression.
It happens. You have earned the right to sit with all your feelings. It’s upsetting and disappointing, and you thought you had finally outgrown this part of your youth.
Just don’t sit there too long.
A study by Barzeva et al. in 2021 examined 1,700 young adults aged 17-29 and found that those who withdrew from romantic relationships following a breakup in early adolescence were more likely to be single at randomly selected intervals in their early adult life.
Perhaps the pain of heartache can leave a mark. Or perhaps the ease of coping with avoidance is contagious.
After all, if you successfully form higher-level coping skills (such as journaling about your feelings) as a teenager that help you avoid the pain of romantic entanglements, why wouldn’t you choose the same higher-level coping skills as an adult?
Other useful coping skills include mindful meditation, which helps encourage the brain’s ability to partake in turn-taking perspective, progressive muscle relaxation, and learning a new hobby, which activates different synapses in your brain. Your brain will love the way new stimuli can distract from old heartache.
2. It’s OK not to want to be friends, even if the breakup was amicable.
If I asked you to guess what gender was less likely to want to stay friends and why, you would probably get the right answer, but for the wrong reasons.
Men are less likely to want to stay friends. In part because they are more likely to hold on to feelings for their former partner.
A 2024 study by Bhargava found that men were more likely than women to express lingering positive feelings, such as love and fondness, as well as doubt about how the person had handled themselves (regret and remorse).
Sometimes it feels impossible to let go and pointless to hold on.
Source: Anna Shvets / Pexels
So, ladies, if you’re reading this, there are pretty solid odds that he will not be offended if you step down from the position of “friend/ex” in a way that allows you both to move on.
It’s OK to not want to move on together.
3. It’s OK to hate him even if he did the right thing by ending it.
As a general rule, women tend to report more anger in romantic relationships. And according to an article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, anger may fuel your ability to achieve goals—perhaps even such goals as getting over the love you lost.
In a series of six studies, Lench et al. examined the relationship between anger and goal achievement in that:
- Anger resulted in more puzzles solved
- Anger resulted in more difficult puzzles solved
- Anger increased success when the goal was to protect financial (a.k.a. point value) resources
In the short term, your hatred might help you achieve your goal of healing from this lost love.
Also, if you’re trying to look cool, calm, and collected, projecting an image of controlled, restrained anger improves your power play in the short term, according to a 2017 study by Schwarzmüller et al.
4. It’s OK if he has a lot of growing up that he isn’t ready to do.
Research is still out as to whether it is nature (the more mature development of a biological woman’s frontal lobes) or nurture (the way women are socialized at an early age) that results in the often-cited maturity gap between men and women.
Relationships Essential Reads
And you know what?
It doesn’t actually matter if you are too mature or if he is just too immature, does it? Either way, the two of you are not on the same path for the near and distant future.
Some studies report that large age gaps (8 years or more) between older men and younger women, or for same-sex couples of both genders, result in better commitment for long-term relationships.
5. It’s OK to want him back.
Let’s be honest: The odds are pretty good that the one who got away—or ran away?—was nothing more than a Rorschach test upon which you projected all of your hopes and dreams.
Very few people dream of a life lived independently of others. Unfortunately, it’s pretty common to have to kiss a few frogs before you find your Prince Perfectly Fine.
But it helps to get over your relationship baggage first.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals with unresolved emotional issues from past relationships may take longer to recognize a new partner as suitable. Emotional readiness is crucial for commitment recognition (Simmons & McElroy, 2016).
You can’t rush your feelings. If you feel like you want him back, sit in the feels for a while. It’s the only way you are scientifically likely to be read to find a future suitable match.
1Three years is the average length of an adult woman’s relationship that does not end in marriage.
