My family went to family therapy once. And by once, I mean literally one time. I remember the four of us sitting in this dimly lit room with bay windows that overlooked the rotary in the center of town. I do not have any recollection of what was talked about, only that I was so worried the whole session that the therapist would find out that I was the problem; that I was the reason why we were all there. I did my best to act well: sitting nicely, speaking minimally, and I didn’t cry at all. “Maybe I can fool her,” my 8-year-old self-thought. “If I just keep quiet, she won’t realize that I am the problem.”
It wasn’t until I told that story on a podcast a few years ago that I truly realized the weight of that moment. At 8 years old, I was barely old enough to tie my own shoes, but I was convinced that I was the source of my family’s problems. Thirty years later, I now know that a child can never be at fault for any dysfunction or abuse in a family system, yet I carried that belief with me for years, internalizing it as part of my identity.
This pervasive sense of guilt and shame—of thinking I was the cause of my family’s pain—became deeply ingrained in me. It was there with me throughout my adolescence and into adulthood, shaping how I viewed myself and my relationships, especially in moments of conflict or stress. It took years of therapy and healing to unravel the knots of shame, and even now, I occasionally catch myself reverting to that old mindset. These patterns don’t simply disappear with time; they require active effort and compassion to unlearn, often well into adulthood.
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Why Child Trauma Survivors Often Blame Themselves
Children are in a stage of cognitive development where they naturally seek to make sense of their experiences, yet they often lack the cognitive tools to process what has happened to them. Instead, they may interpret these events through a lens of self-centeredness, a common developmental trait.
For instance, young children tend to see themselves as the center of their world; thus, they may mistakenly believe that they are responsible for their caregiver‘s actions or emotional responses. If a parent is abusive, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable, the child might think, “If I were better, this wouldn’t be happening,” or “It’s my fault that they are upset.” This self-blame serves as a coping mechanism, allowing children to exert a sense of control over their circumstances—even if that control is illusory.
The Impact of Family Dynamics
When trauma originates within the family of origin, the potential for self-blame is heightened, as children may internalize the dysfunction or abuse they experience, believing they are responsible for the conflict or harm. This sense of guilt can be exacerbated by the desire to protect the family unit or to make sense of the chaotic and harmful dynamics, often leading to long-lasting emotional and psychological consequences. Children rely on their caregivers for safety, love, and validation. If those caregivers are the source of trauma, it complicates the child’s understanding of their own worth and identity. They may internalize the belief that they are unworthy of love or that their needs are burdensome, leading to a deep-seated sense of guilt and shame.
This self-blame is further exacerbated by the emotional dynamics within families. For example, if a caregiver expresses anger or disappointment toward a child, the child might interpret this as a reflection of their own inadequacies. Such patterns can become entrenched, as children develop maladaptive beliefs about themselves that persist into adulthood.
The Role of Shame in Self-Blame
Childhood trauma can have lasting effects on a person’s mental and emotional well-being, shaping their perceptions of themselves and the world around them. When a child is led to believe they are at fault for abuse or dysfunction, it not only distorts their sense of identity but can set the stage for ongoing struggles with self-esteem, guilt, difficulty in trusting others, and a strong sense of inner shame. Shame is a powerful emotion that can contribute significantly to self-blame in trauma survivors.
Moreover, children may fear that revealing their trauma or feelings of blame will lead to further rejection or abandonment. As a result, they may remain silent, internalizing their pain and reinforcing the belief that they are to blame for their suffering. This silence can create barriers to healing, as acknowledging the trauma and its impact becomes intertwined with feelings of guilt and shame.
Moving Towards Healing and Unlearning Self-Blame
Unlearning self-blame from childhood trauma is a deeply challenging process in healing. It requires confronting the false beliefs that were internalized during traumatic experiences, and recognizing the impact of external factors, such as the actions—or inactions—of caregivers or family dynamics.
Learning to Unlearn: Understanding the roots of self-blame in child trauma survivors involves acknowledging that these beliefs are often a product of developmental stages and family dynamics and were not the fault of those without power—usually the children. Learning to unlearn self-blame involves not only recognizing the harmful beliefs instilled during childhood but also developing a new narrative that reflects a more accurate understanding of the trauma: that we are not responsible for the trauma we endured, and that self-blame is a common, but harmful, response to these experiences.
Reframing: Reframing the trauma helps in shifting the perspective from self-blame to self-compassion. This process helps us to recognize that our reactions to trauma—such as feeling responsible for the abuse or dysfunction—were natural responses to overwhelming situations, but that those responses do not define our worth or identity. Reframing means acknowledging that we were never to blame for the actions of others, including the failure of caregivers or the dysfunction within the family.
Surrounding yourself with support: Being in environments that promote emotional safety and open communication can help us process our feelings without fear of judgment. Support from empathetic friends, fellow survivors, therapists, or peer groups can validate our experiences and help us release the burden of self-blame.
