Navigating Conversations and Increasing Connection at Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a wonderful tradition of coming together as a family, but for many, it feels like a landmine. If your family is like mine, there are people of all ages with vastly different political views, religious practices, and life experiences, all under one roof, all part of one family. It’s a time to connect, but in today’s divisive world, that’s not always easy.

We’re often encouraged to avoid challenging conversations, especially when they threaten our comfort or convictions. Social media amplifies this divide, feeding us articles and opinions that align with our existing beliefs. Yet, here we are at the Thanksgiving table, surrounded by people we love, even if we sometimes disagree. How do we keep these relationships strong in such a polarized environment?

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How We Often Further the Divide

When faced with differing viewpoints, we have a few choices for how to respond. One option is to be passive—to hold back and not share our thoughts. This may seem easiest since it avoids conflict and “keeps the peace.” But if we do this repeatedly over time, that passivity can lead to feelings of disconnection. When we don’t express our beliefs, we might feel invisible, misunderstood, or even complicit in ideas we don’t support. This silence can create a sense of inauthenticity and deepen the emotional divide.

Alternatively, we might choose to be aggressive, pushing our beliefs forward with force. While this approach allows us to voice our opinions, it often alienates those we care about. The strength of our emotions can overshadow our message, leaving others only with a bad feeling and little understanding. Instead of creating connection, aggression tends to deepen divides, leaving little room for open dialogue or mutual respect.

Communicating Effectively Requires Self-Understanding

A third path—often the hardest—is assertiveness. Assertiveness allows us to share our beliefs and emotions clearly, without minimizing ourselves (as in passivity) or dismissing others (as in aggression). To be assertive, we must first understand what we think and feel, and why, so that we can communicate effectively. After all, we can’t expect others to understand us if we don’t understand ourselves.

This requires emotional intelligence. We need to identify the values that underscore our thoughts and feelings (for more details, see this post on building emotional intelligence). Having this insight not only clarifies the root of our motivation but also puts our perspective into a universal language. Everyone has emotions; everyone has values. When we talk about what matters to us on a values level, we’re more likely to relate to each other. We are able to get out of the weeds and into the roots.

For example, if you feel passionate about a political stance, consider the underlying value driving that feeling. Is it fairness? Compassion? Security? When you explain your perspective in terms of values, it opens up a conversation about priorities rather than a debate about right and wrong. The subject becomes neutralized; it’s a matter of differing values, not a personal affront.

You could simply say, “I believe in X policy because I value [fill in your value here].” This approach creates room for curiosity. You might then ask, “What’s most important to you when considering your stance?” Framing the conversation around values encourages a focus on what matters to each of you. And if we remember that our values are shaped by upbringing, experiences, and culture, it can help us understand others’ motivations. This perspective-taking fosters empathy and compassion, even in the absence of a shared viewpoint.

It’s Not Just What You Say, It’s How You Say It

How we express ourselves can be even more important than what we say. Thoughtfully considering our tone, language, and intention allows us to communicate in ways that reflect our values. Not only should the content of our message come from our value system, but our manner of communication should also be driven by our values.

Before entering a challenging conversation, it helps to ask: What values do I want to bring into this exchange? Do I want to come from a place of love, respect, honesty, authenticity, or a blend of these? By staying grounded in our values, we can steer the conversation in a productive direction, even if we don’t reach agreement.

The Benefits of Value-Driven Communication

When we take a values-driven approach to communication, we can feel good about expressing ourselves authentically, without hiding or forcing our views. While we can’t control how others receive our words, when we speak from a place of respect, our message is more likely to be well-received and to set the stage for greater understanding. While these discussions may not change entrenched views, they can maintain and even strengthen our connection with loved ones.

This skill isn’t just valuable at the Thanksgiving table; it’s a practice that can transform all our relationships. By grounding our conversations in values, we create space for empathy and understanding, strengthening our bonds with family, friends, and even those who see the world differently than we do.