Divorce is a reality. Some marriages won’t work, and being in a happy and healthy monogamous relationship doesn’t always feel like the norm. Rather than work out their issues, some couples just throw in the towel and put their relationships and marriages behind them.
Avoiding conflict or failing to talk about problems in a marriage can lead one or both spouses to have an affair. The affair can manifest physically or emotionally, either way, the avoidance of conflict and silence is likely to end the marriage.
So, is infidelity the new norm? YourTango’s Founder/CEO Andrea Miller, Imago Institute’s Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt, Cindy Cartee, LPC, Christine Wilke, LMFT, and Cheryl Gerson, LCSW, get to the bottom of why so many couples are breaking away from monogamy and having affairs.
Here are three quiet reasons people have affairs:
1. Their needs aren’t being met
Harville raises an excellent point when he says, “In Imago Therapy‘s experience, there’s no such thing as you having an affair. There’s such a thing as our relationship having an affair. You’re having one with a person, and that makes you vulnerable to social criticism and the possibility that I can divorce you. But I’m […] getting my needs met with my computer, email, and children.”
2. Social media makes it easier for us to stray
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Let’s face it. We live, breathe, and eat online, so it makes sense that social media and technology can distract our marriages, as explored by a study of social media sites and marital satisfaction published in Computers in Human Behavior Journal.
3. They’re not on the same page as their spouse
It sounds illogical, but it’s much more common than you think. Our partner interprets our marriage as healthy, even though we think the opposite. A study in the Journal of Practice in Clinical Psychology analyzes how communication is a critical factor in the reasons behind marital infidelity.
If you feel like you’re not connecting with your spouse on an emotional, physical, and mental level, don’t wait until it’s too late to confront them. Just getting a conversation going can make all of the difference. It may seem simple, but it’s effective. After all, you both stand a lot to lose if you don’t.
The sad thing is, it doesn’t stop there. Recent studies have shown that while the infidelity rate hasn’t drastically increased over the past few years, it still leaves more to be desired. According to research led by Rebeca A. Marín, Ph.D., between 20-40 percent of couples admit to committing adultery, either physical or emotional, at some point in their marriage.
These are tough statistics to swallow. It doesn’t help that The Huffington Post mentions about 15 percent of divorcées cite cheating as the cause of their divorce. This number may not seem significant, but it adds up.
Whether you are already in the middle of an affair or you are beginning to drift away from your spouse, communication is the most vital action you can take. When we have open and honest communication in a marriage, we can discover the unmet needs of our spouse and provide for those needs so they are not sought outside the marriage.
The YourTango Experts team includes licensed therapists, dating and life coaches, matchmakers, and more professionals committed to offering you the tools and guidance for a happier and more rewarding life.
