As time passes in a faltering relationship, resentment grows quickly as partners start showing each other a lack of respect each other. Oft-cited research from renowned couples therapist therapist John Gottman clearly shows that contempt is the downfall of most relationships. So when harmful phrases begin to be thrown around without caution, it’s something you don’t want to ignore.
Specifically in relationships, but also in all areas of life, there are certain phrases men are particularly likely to say when they don’t respect you. Recognizing these statements for what they are could mean the difference between tolerating a toxic relationship and doing what’s best for your own health and well-being.
Here are 11 phrases men say when they don’t respect you
1. ‘It’s just a joke’
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While it may seem innocent enough, this is one of the phrases men say when they don’t respect you in conversation. It’s not only toxic, but largely representative of a larger issue of deflection, specifically in men.
According to psychologist Dr. Steven Gans, deflection is a coping mechanism that allows people to avoid taking responsibility for their actions — giving them an escape route to sidestep uncomfortable emotions like guilt, shame, and embarrassment when they’re called out. Equally dismissive to your genuine emotions and isolating for the perpetrator, a reliance on “jokes” to degrade or disrespect others never comes from a healthy place.
2. ‘It’s not a big deal’
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While other people can validate our internal conflicts and support our emotions, nobody has the power to tell us how to feel. If a man, especially your partner or friend, is trying to convince you that their actions “aren’t a big deal,” yet you’re struggling to work through them, you deserve the space to be heard in expressing your concern.
Women empowerment coach Cindy Watson says that men who are uncomfortable expressing emotions or empathizing with others will try to gaslight to avoid conversations that require vulnerability. Don’t shrug off your true concerns and emotions for the sake of someone else’s misguided comfort — you deserve to be understood, or at the very least, heard.
3. ‘You’re too sensitive’
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According to psychotherapist Amy Morin, gaslighters typically resort to emotional invalidation or manipulation tactics to grasp at control in their relationships over a period of time, but there’s still several ways they’re able to subtly invalidate you in passing moments.
Shaming you for your emotions with a phrase like this is a form of gaslighting. They’re creating a false narrative that favors them and dismisses you, sacrificing your emotional health for the sake of their own comfort. A healthy conversation should help you feel secure, not disrespected, confused, and/or invalidated.
4. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about’
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A societal experience many women have been wrongfully subjected to for decades, a phrase like is representative of injustice on a smaller scale. When they say this, men are trying to assert their dominance, undermine your intelligence, and disrespect you by belittling your contributions, hoping to take control of a conversation or make themselves look better.
Rooted in a place of insecurity, this kind of behavior only isolates them from healthy relationships with women. If they don’t actively make space for you in conversations, advocating for you to be heard and understood, they’re probably not respecting you like they should be.
5. ‘That’s not what I meant’
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Even when they say something upsetting or dismissive, a disrespectful man will always find a way to shift the blame back to you. If you’re upset by something, you must have taken it the wrong way. If you felt targeted, that’s on you. It’s phrases like this that continuously belittle and gaslight women, whether it’s in a professional setting or a personal relationship, making them feel equally misled and confused.
By responding with questions like, “Was that intended to hurt me?” or “Can you clarify what you meant?” you may be able to get them them to reconsider their words, spark some introspection, and most importantly, set boundaries for the kind of respect you expect from interactions.
6. ‘You’re not like other girls’
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A psychological manipulation tactic coined “negging” explains the root cause behind a phrase like this. A man who says this is disrespecting other women in an attempt to make you think you’re being put on a pedestal.
While it might not seem malicious, men who utilize phrases like this hope that you’ll continue coming to them for external validation and self-confidence, further asserting their dominance or control over the relationship. Generalizing the behavior and identities of women is not only disrespectful, but ignorant. Trying to spark competition between women, especially in the name of male validation, is not just a sign of an insecure man, but an emotionally unintelligent one.
7. ‘No offense’
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If anyone leads with the phrase “no offense,” there’s really no turning back from feeling disrespected. Shifting the blame to someone who’s upset about a remark you made is a telling sign of insecurity. Someone who says this is not only failing to take accountability for being disrespectful, they’re also placing unrealistic expectations on the people around you.
They’re clearly aware of your boundaries, making a statement like this, but they choose to ignore them by dismissing your emotions and gaslighting you into thinking it’s not their problem. They’re not self-aware enough to consider the impact of their own words, and if they are, they’re not considerate enough to keep them to themselves.
8. ‘If you loved me you would’
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Labelled short-sighted and unfulfilling by psychosocial specialist Kendra Cherry, transactional relationships tend to manifest in subtle ways across interactions and conversations. Phrases like this are meant to rely on the nature of transactional relationships — you’re only valued and worthy of support and love when you’re “doing something” for your partner.
If you needed the reminder: you’re deserving of respect from everyone, even if you’re not “producing something” or actively supporting someone else. So, set your boundaries with disrespectful men and remind them that you’re capable of making decisions in your best interest.
9. ‘You owe me’
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No one is entitled to anything from anyone else in a relationship. And yet, many men seem to feel they are owed something from the women in their lives, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
Researchers from Case Western University found that “entitled men were more likely to hold hostile views of women.” So if a man is letting you know clear as day that he feels you owe him something, chances are he has low to no respect for you.
10. ‘You’re being crazy’
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While an investigation on manipulative gaslighting from associate professor Cynthia A. Stark suggests that personal disagreements are often misguidedly labeled “manipulative” in modern culture, many women feel deeply affected by disrespect from men. Being told they’re crazy when they express their opinions or emotions leaves many women feeling the need to more fully assert their presence, voice, and demands for respect from men.
From professional interactions to personal conflicts at home, these women may end up genuinely questioning their own well-being and sanity due to the constant stream of disrespect.
11. ‘You’re so needy’
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Expressing your needs is an important aspect of healthy communication that informs the best relationships. You should want to be on the same page, able to support one another, and ensure that miscommunication and resentment don’t slowly sabotage your connection.
However, this kind of communication is often impossible with insecure and disrespectful men, who either don’t respect women’s genuine emotions or struggle to be vulnerable themselves. Feeling weak or embarrassed in healthy conversations about emotions, they isolate themselves or shame their partner into doing the same.
Instead of accepting the emotional intelligence of another and learning from it, they instead degrade the women in their life — attempting to avoid taking accountability or acknowledging their own deep-rooted traumas and negative emotions by telling their partner they’re just too needy.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories
