Being in a relationship can bring you unmatched joy. Being in love can also flip your whole world upside down. A lot can change when you enter a romantic relationship. But you should not have to change who you are.
For many, the start of a romantic relationship means being in what’s known as the honeymoon phase. One of the characteristics of this “infatuation phase” is wanting to be together all the time. You choose to spend every available moment with your significant other. When apart you miss them and wish you were with them instead. If not together, you communicate with them via text or other means. It also means idealization and wearing rose-tinted glasses.
In other words, all of your time and attention are focused on this person during this stage. This can be healthy and beneficial for your relationship since all the time together allows you to really get to know each other, and perhaps grow your relationship into a long-term, committed relationship.
However, things can become problematic when spending all of your time with your partner is no longer a phase but simply your relationship. While it’s good to enjoy your partner’s company so much, it’s equally important to have time on your own.
Things turn from good to bad when your independence fades because of the relationship. If you allow your partner to make decisions for you. If you let friendship and hobbies fall by the wayside.
What’s Autonomy in a Relationship?
Autonomy is self-determination. More specifically, autonomy in a relationship is choosing your actions freely, feeling authentic, and behaving in a way that aligns with your wants and values.
In psychology, autonomy is seen as a fundamental human need. It is essential to individual well-being, motivation, and psychological health. In short, autonomy is all about having a choice and a voice.
Autonomy Seeking Relationship Style
One of four relationship styles is known as “autonomy seeking”. For some people, autonomy is what they desire over other things like security or connection. It doesn’t mean they don’t value other things, but autonomy holds more value for them.
When autonomy is valued, it means the person needs the following:
- Appreciation: You want to be able to trust that what you do in the relationship matters. You want and need to feel valued by your partner.
- Space: Alone time is important to you. Therefore, you desire time and space to do things independently.
- Ability to be your authentic self: You crave the ability to speak your mind and come as you are. You don’t want to feel stifled or held back in any way.
What Does an Autonomous Relationship Look Like?
The key features of an autonomous relationship are:
- Mutual Respect: Each partner values the other’s individuality and autonomy.
- Open Communication: Honest discussions about needs, desires, and boundaries are encouraged.
- Supportive Independence: Partners support each other’s personal growth, hobbies, and friendships outside the relationship.
- Trust: There is a foundation of trust that allows both partners to feel secure while being independent.
- Shared Goals: While maintaining personal objections, partners also collaborate on shared goals and values.
- Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are handled constructively, respecting each other’s viewpoints.
- Flexibility: Both partners are adaptable to change and can navigate challenges together without losing their sense of self.
It’s important to note that autonomous relationships are not necessarily about independence. A healthy, autonomous relationship maintains a careful balance between independence and connection.
Example of an Autonomous Relationship
Imagine Brian and Ashley, a couple who have been together for a few years. Here’s how their autonomous relationship looks:
- Personal Interests: Brian enjoys golfing and is in a league that meets weekly. Ashley loves painting and attends art classes regularly. They both encourage each other to pursue these interests and often discuss what they learned or experienced.
- Open Communication: They have a weekly check-in (usually a Friday dinner out) where they talk about their feelings, any challenges they’re facing, and what they need from each other. This creates a space for honesty and understanding.
- Supportive of Friendships: Both Brian and Ashley have their own friends and spend time with them on a regular basis. They share their experiences and make sure to include each other in social gatherings when it makes sense.
- Trust and Independence: They trust each other to go out separately without feeling insecure. For instance, Ashley might go to an art show for the day, while Brian plays golf with friends.
- Shared Goals: They have shared goals, like traveling together and saving for a condo together, which they actively plan and discuss while also supporting each other’s personal aspirations.
- Constructive Conflict Resolution:When they disagree, they approach conflicts with respect, acknowledging and appreciating they are different. Suppose they have different opinions about how to spend a weekend, for example. they listen to each other and find a compromise that satisfies both of them.
In conclusion, Brian and Ashley’s relationship thrives on mutual respect, support, and open communication.
What Does a Lack of Autonomy Look Like?
A lack of autonomy leads to unhealthy dynamics in a relationship. Overall, a lack of autonomy can be detrimental to both people. Partners may feel stifled, trapped, unfulfilled, or even resentful.
7 Signs of a lack of autonomy in a relationship:
- Control and Possessiveness: One partner may try to control the other’s actions, decisions, or social interactions. The controlled partner feels stifled, without the freedom to make their own choices.
- Limited Personal Interests: Partners may feel pressured to give up their hobbies or friendships in order to put their partner above everything. This results in a loss of individuality and leads to resentment.
- Poor Communication: Open discussions about needs and feelings may be avoided or shut down. This leads one or both to feel unheard, unappreciated and misunderstood.
- Dependency: One partner may become overly reliant on the other for emotional support, decision-making, or validation. This dependence creates an imbalanced, and unhealthy power dynamic.
- Jealousy and Insecurity: Constant jealousy or insecurity can emerge, making it difficult for either partner to participate in activities or friendships outside of the relationship.
- Avoidance of Conflict: Difficult conversations may be avoided completely. In turn this creates issues that fester rather than get resolved, and resentment breeds.
- Lack of Personal Growth: Individuals may feel stagnant, as their personal development is stifled by the dynamics of the relationship, leading to frustration that continues to grow.
Example of a Relationship that Lacks Autonomy
Consider Chris and Sam, a couple who have been married for several years. Here’s how their relationship reflects a lack of autonomy:
- Control: Sam frequently checks messages on Chris’ phone and feels upset when Chris goes out with friends without Sam. This control leads Chris to avoid hanging out with people, feeling pressured to stay close to Sam.
- Abandoning Interests: Chris used to enjoy playing basketball and going to the gym, but Sam often criticizes these activities, believing they take time away from their relationship.Because of this, Chris has stopped participating in these hobbies.
- Limited Communication: If Chris tries to express feelings of discomfort about Sam’s behavior, Sam dismisses these concerns, which leads to unresolved, lingering tension. Thus, Chris feels unheard and grows more frustrated.
- Dependency: More often than not Sam makes decisions for both of them. Sam usually decides how to spend their weekend, what to eat, and how to spend their money. Chris begins to fully depend on Sam for emotional support, feeling incapable of making choices independently.
- Jealousy: Sam exhibits jealousy when Taylor interacts with coworkers, often accusing Taylor of being unfaithful, which causes Taylor to feel anxious and guilty about maintaining friendships.
- Avoidance of Conflict:Chris avoids discussing any issues with Sam’s behavior in order to keep the peace. This creates built-up resentment. From Sam’s perspective, everything is fine because Chris hardly ever voices concern.
In this situation, both Sam and Chris struggle with a lack of autonomy. Chris feels stifled and frustrated. On the other hand, Sam doesn’t seem to realize how their controlling behavior impacts the relationship. This dynamic can lead to bigger, more serious issues over time, as both partners become increasingly dissatisfied.
Challenges with Autonomy
Challenges arise when partners require a different level of autonomy. The partner who wants more autonomy might can make the other person feel alone and unwanted. An autonomy seeker tends to be focused on their own hobbies or work which their partner might take personally. Without realizing it they may not be investing enough time in the relationship. Their partner may be taking the backseat to other things in their life.
Another challenge relates to communication. Autonomy seekers have a tendency to avoid difficult and emotional situations. Those needing more autonomy may opt out of uncomfortable conversations. The problem is that those more vulnerable conversations are the ones that bring you closer in the end.
Balancing Autonomy and Intimacy
Autonomy and intimacy may seem like opposites but it’s possible for both to exist alongside in a relationship. Finding balance with autonomy and intimacy in a relationship is critical for maintaining a strong connection and at the same time allowing both partners to thrive individually. Strategies to achieve that balance include doing the following:
- Prioritize Communication: Talk often about your needs for both connection and independence. Have check-ins to discuss how you’re feeling about the relationship.
- Set Boundaries: Establish personal boundaries that respect each person’s need for space and individuality. Openly discuss these boundaries make sure there is mutual understanding.
- Encourage Individual Interests: Encourage each other to pursue individual hobbies and friendships. This nurtures a sense of self and enhances the relationship with new experiences.
- Prioritize Quality Time: Dedicate time to connect on a deeper level through shared activities or meaningful conversation. Ensure these times are intentional and focused on one another, without distractions.
- Support Each Other’s Goals: Be each other’s cheerleader. Support individual goals and celebrate achievements big and small. This strengthens intimacy and autonomy.
- Strengthen Trust: Build a foundation of trust by being open and honest every day. It is through a healthy dose of trust that partners feel secure enough to explore their independence. Trust is just as important for intimacy.
- Healthy Conflict Resolution: Address disagreements respectfully, recognizing that differing opinions can strengthen your bond and increase closeness.
- Create Rituals Establish rituals that promote intimacy, like weekly date nights or morning walks, or shared hobbies.
Ways to Maintain Autonomy in Your Romantic Relationship
Consider Chris and Sam, a couple who have been married for several years. Here’s how their relationship reflects a lack of autonomy:
- Accept and support some separation: Be okay with your partner’s need for time and/or space to do their own thing. Try not to take it personally, and remember that it’s not because they don’t care for you.
- Respect their goals and pursuits: Show interest in their activities, their work, etc., and support them. Be their cheerleader!
- Express appreciation: Acknowledge what they do in the relationship and tell them how grateful you are.
- Be together and apart: Make time for being together in the same room but engaged in separate activities.
- Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries that respect each partner’s need for personal space and independence. Discuss what feels comfortable for each of you.
- Celebrate Individual Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate each other’s accomplishments, big or small. This fosters a sense of pride and encourages personal growth.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that nourish your well-being, whether it’s exercising, reading, or enjoying a hobby. This reinforces your individual identity.
- Be Flexible: Allow for flexibility in your relationship. Embrace change and be open to adapting routines or plans, which can help both people feel more autonomous.
- Create Individual Rituals: Establish personal routines or traditions that allow for individuality, such as a weekly outing with friends or dedicated “me time.”
- Communicate Needs Clearly: Openly express your needs for space, time, and independence. Clear communication helps prevent misunderstandings and resentment.
- Encourage Individual Friendships: Nurture friendships outside of the relationship. Spending time with friends helps maintain a sense of self and provides support beyond a romantic partner. It also avoids the desire for your significant other to be everything for you (serve all the roles).
