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What exactly is sabotage? It’s when a person or group intentionally spoils or ruins someone else’s plans or goals. The agenda is to manipulate, to create chaos. Bullies know they’re bullying no matter what context the harassment is happening within. Teenage girl cliques, aka “mean girls,” have earned a major movie franchise.
However, self-sabotage can be different. You’re spoiling things, but for yourself. The tendency can remain unconscious until, hopefully, you recognize the mistake you’re making repetitively—and stop. Or at least, try to stop.
it can be especially painful when relationship after relationship seems doomed to the same outcome. Because you keep repeating a hurtful pattern.
Let’s talk about six major relational self-sabotaging mistakes.
1. You commit too quickly or for the wrong reasons
You took information in but through the eyes filled with “lust/love.” So, you only saw what you wanted to see. And then, you began to weave a fairytale-like story of how things will be. What will happen next and how it will be just so wonderful. The things in real life that you’re a little uncomfortable with? They will change for the better, “I just know it.” Those concerns are pushed aside and so instead of taking time, instead of waiting to see what knowing someone for a year or two will be like, instead of moving slowly toward an increased commitment, instead of listening to see if your soon-to-be partner takes responsibility for their own actions, you joyfully dive in. Sex, attraction, or money may serve as a foundation, at least for a while.
Or you can commit for the wrong reason. Out of shame, out of a need to escape your parents’ home. Or because you’re angry with someone else. Or you’re hurt. Lots of reasons to lie to yourself about why you’re committing and committing fast—but those simply aren’t good enough reasons to sustain a commitment.
2. You’re risk-averse
This has also been called “commitment phobia.” Maybe you only saw anger or distrust between their parents and don’t want to recreate that. Maybe you’ve already been hurt. Maybe you need ultimate control and must avoid the risk of vulnerability. I sometimes wonder if all the ghosting going on is really risk aversion—not wanting to reveal too much to anyone. Sometimes I’m sure it’s pure manipulation and a power grab. But I do wonder…
3. You play emotional games
“What will happen if I do this? Or don’t say this?” Games are simply going to cause chaos. Sadly enough, many people keep doing this after it started in dating and then continue into committed relationships. “I’m not going to talk to her until she proves to me that…”. The list is endless. John and Julie Gottman point out these protective or defensive strategies that are the hallmarks of doomed relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The point of the game is to defend or protect yourself—and in good relationships, that doesn’t need to happen.
4. How you measure yourself or others is unfair
So, you decide what makes you unloveable or unworthy. “No one wants someone who carries a lot of debt.” Or, “…someone who’s been divorced twice.” You don’t stop to consider the irrationality of that. You’ve destined yourself to loneliness and unacceptability.
Or the opposite—you have your own list of “what’s unacceptable” and it’s far too long. That’s when perfectionism will get in your way.
5. You don’t absorb the positives that are offered to you
Maybe you’ve been hurt. And you’re scared. So you can talk about your fear—but try to absorb the good. If you get hurt, then so be it. But you won’t be hiding. A relationship can be good to have and still may end. Important gifts can be given and received. And you both may go on your way, or you may stay together. But when you absorb the positive, they become yours to keep.
6. You passively allow relationships to “happen” and don’t voice your own expectations
This self-sabotage is more subtle It happens when you don’t have a lot of expectations, and accept the attention of others before you allow yourself to really assess whether you would choose this person. “I’m not sure how I wound up in this relationship.” Or, “I got in way over my head and now I don’t know what to do.” I know I went through something like this when my own self-esteem was down the tubes. If someone wanted to be interested in me, I went along with it. Some of them were nice people; some not so nice.
Self-Sabotage Essential Reads
What can you do about self-sabotage?
There are vital questions to ask.
- Which of these self-sabotaging patterns may exist in your relationships?
- Why does your particular brand of self-sabotaging exist? When and how did it begin?
- What purpose does it serve in the present?
- Have you been taught to think or act this way?
- Does the pattern emerge from hurt or past abuse?
Finding the answers to these questions can help you begin to bring your patterns into focus and help you create ways to challenge them.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
