Moira was raised to put her faith above all else. She was raised in a strict household where her parents used their faith as a way to justify corporal punishment, shaming, and obedience. “I was raised in constant fear,” she remembers. But there were many good things too. She loves her religion and the sense of peace and love it gives her. She has fond memories of traditions that often surrounded major holidays and family gatherings.
Her husband was very kind and charming at first but soon started using physical and verbal abuse. He justified his actions with his faith, which he said made him the man of the house. “I had to obey his wishes. At first, this was fine because he was a gentleman. He decided where we went to dinner, took care of the household, and other things like that,” Moira recalls. “But, soon it became scary. After he hit me the first time, I asked to go to couples therapy.”
He agreed as long as it was with their pastor. Moira didn’t see anything wrong with that—after all, this was the faith she had grown up to love. But she soon found that the pastor seemed to be excusing her husband’s bad behavior. “He kept turning it around on me, asking what I could do differently.”
Over time, Moira decided that she wanted a divorce. However, their pastor made it clear that this was not something he supported.
“I felt so alone and scared,” she said.
Source: House of Legacy/Pixabay
In some religious communities, teachings about submission, forgiveness, and the sanctity of marriage can be twisted to legitimize abusive behaviors in families and relationships. For instance, some interpretations of scriptures may emphasize the idea that a wife must submit to her husband, regardless of the circumstances. This can lead victims to believe that they must endure abusive behaviors as a part of their marital duty, or even that they did something to cause it. “Unfortunately, religious teachings can be misinterpreted or manipulated to justify abusive behaviors, creating an environment where victims feel trapped and helpless,” said one therapist, “John,” who specializes in religious trauma.
While individual survivors might not agree that their faith condones or promotes abuse, research shows that many are still able to identify specific messages or structures “related to their faiths that enabled and ignored abuse against women.”2 Additionally, faith leaders may inadvertently or deliberately perpetuate harmful narratives, despite the frequent denial of these things by many institutions of faith.3 Survivors might be told to “pray for their abuser” or “turn the other cheek,” leading them to feel responsible for their partner’s behavior, John reports. This can create an environment where victims internalize the abuse, believing they somehow deserve it or can fix their abuser through prayer and patience. Like Moira, many survivors feel like this is their “burden to bear,” as many have put it.
Guilt and Shame as Tools of Control
Abusers may exploit religious doctrines or faith messaging to instill feelings of guilt and shame in their partner as a way to further exhort power and control. Like Moira, a victim might be made to feel that leaving an abusive relationship is a failure of faith or a betrayal of their spiritual commitments. Moreover, religious teachings often emphasize the importance of family unity, reconciliation, and forgiveness.4 Some faiths, such as Christianity, claim forgiveness as a duty.4 This guilt-tripping and victim-blaming can cause victims to remain in toxic relationships because they feel they have no other choice.
Lack of Support and Understanding
In many cases, faith communities may lack the understanding or resources to effectively support survivors of domestic violence. When victims do reach out for help, they may encounter responses that prioritize the preservation of the marriage over their safety. The fear of ostracism from their religious community can make it even more difficult for survivors to seek help, as they worry about the judgment and repercussions of their faith community.
Here are some safety tips for survivors who may be struggling with religious abuse in their relationships:
1. Your safety is your priority: Doing what you need to do to stay safe is the most important thing. And if this means “disappointing” family or spiritual leaders, then it is possible they are not concerned with your safety anyway. Your safety, and that of your children, pets, and any other dependents, is the most important thing.
2. It’s okay to separate the faith you love from the abuse you are experiencing: Many survivors worry that if they leave their relationship and acknowledge the spiritual abuse they are experiencing, then it means they have to denounce their faith. This is not true. While many religious communities can perpetuate trauma, it’s important to recognize that faith can also be a source of strength and healing. “It’s okay to acknowledge that your faith is being used as a tool of abuse, while also recognizing that this is not the type of faith you want to be a part of,” said John. This might involve redefining your relationship with your faith, seeking communities that practice or worship the way you want to, or exploring new spiritual paths that align with your values and experiences.
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3. Your pastor is (likely) not a therapist: Spiritual leaders usually do not have mental health training, which can lead to their exhibiting a lot of harmful behaviors, even unknowingly. Faith leaders might encourage couples counseling, believing that communication can resolve the issues, rather than recognizing the need for immediate safety and intervention. “This is why I often tell my clients that their pastor can be a great sense of support for them, but they are not a therapist,” John said, “and it’s okay to recognize that! Both can have their place in your life and in your healing.” John recommends going to your pastor or spiritual leader for spiritual guidance but looking for a licensed mental health therapist for individual, couples, or family therapy.
Over time, Moira was able to find a therapist who shared her faith but was trauma-informed and prioritized Moira’s safety. “She helped me see that I did not deserve to be abused and that it’s okay to be safe instead of in pain,” she said. Moira was able to divorce safely and now feels much happier.
If you, or someone you know, is experiencing domestic violence or an unsafe relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE or find a therapist in the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
