Forgiving Yourself and Others | Psychology Today

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Forgiveness seems to remain somewhat of an obscure dynamic. With most actions, there is a clear choice: We can say, “I’m swimming” or “I’m not swimming.” Typically, the negative statement can be translated into what I do when I’m not swimming, such as sitting on the beach or taking a walk. But some time ago, I noticed that when it came to forgiveness, I couldn’t identify what I was doing when I was not being forgiving. Why was it so difficult to determine what happened when I was not forgiving someone?

My research brought me to the 13th-century Roman Church. It appears to have been a custom that when someone was not being forgiven, their name would be posted on the church door, where they were cursed. That was my answer. When I’m not forgiving someone, I’m cursing them. I’m at least quietly attacking their character and wishing they would be ill-fated. Carrying such toxic energy does not likely serve us. I’m negatively attached to the very person who harmed me. Let’s look at what might get in the way of forgiving others and the steps we can take to issue forgiveness.

Forgiving Others

These are three common obstacles to forgiving others:

1. Being self-righteous. I decided that I would never do something as awful as what was done to me.
2. Staying attached to being a victim. It’s only too easy to allow ourselves to continue to be victims of some perpetrator.
3. Feeling entitled to be revengeful. Revenge keeps us connected to whoever hurt us. It simply is not an effective way to let go of the perpetrator.

Here are seven steps you can take to forgive others:

1. See forgiving another as a gift to yourself.
2. Identify someone whom it may serve you to forgive.
3. Name the obstacle that might be in the way and decide if you’re ready to let go of that obstacle. You may need to determine what it will take to let go of it.
4. Identify the hurt, anger, or grief associated with how you were harmed.
5. Decide if you are ready to forgive that person, and if you are, tell a trusted friend what you plan to do or say.
6. If you’re ready, go ahead and tell them about your forgiveness or hold it quietly.
7. Decide whether you want to renew the relationship with the person who hurt you or let go of it. You may need to discuss this with someone you trust to help clarify your actual intention.

Forgiving Ourselves

These are common obstacles to forgiving ourselves:

1. Shame. When shame takes hold of us, it keeps us feeling undeserving of our forgiveness. I recommend John Bradshaw’s book Healing the Shame That Binds You as a resource for de-shaming.
2. Waiting for someone to forgive you. So many of us were taught that forgiveness needs to come from someone other than ourselves. Initially, it had to come from a church minister, which disqualified us from being able to forgive ourselves.
3. Not forgiving myself will teach me a lesson. The only real lesson is deciding you don’t deserve forgiveness. No evidence suggests that continuing to curse ourselves will generate significant learning.
4. If I forgive myself, I might let myself off the hook. I hear this and wonder, what is the “hook”? I imagine it is being truly accountable. How much guilt and remorse do you need to feel responsible? Maybe it means making amends to the injured party or offering restitution.

Five steps to self-forgiveness:

1. Be willing to take the responsibility to forgive yourself.
2. Work with the obstacle that is inhibiting your ability to forgive yourself.
3. Address any guilt by identifying what is needed to let go of the guilt. You may need to make amends to the injured party or supply some form of restitution.
4. Get help.
5. Stop cursing yourself and restore your connection to your essential goodness.
6. Keep practicing self-forgiveness as a spiritual practice.

Benefits of self-forgiveness:

• We become more courageous and more willing to forgive ourselves when some choice yields an unfavorable outcome.
• We become more risk-friendly.
• As we experience ourselves as deserving of forgiveness, we are more forgiving of others.
• As we gain clarity about the uselessness of self-abuse enacted by cursing ourselves, we become more willing to step into self-forgiveness.
• We gradually accept the responsibility of forgiving ourselves rather than expecting someone to do it for us.