Presenting yourself online dating profiles and messages as highly altruistic may not have the effect that you think.
Source: Photo by RDNE Stock project from Pexels
It’s good to do good. But can looking too much like a do-gooder be not so good for your online dating prospects?
A study recently published in Evolutionary Psychological Science found that highly altruistic online dating profiles and messages garnered more romantic interest than non-altruistic ones but not as much as moderately altruistic ones. It looks like appearing like a goody two-shoes ranks number two rather than number one. It’s not that being too good is bad, though. This study was more about how people might present themselves rather than who they really are.
What the study showed
For the study, Simran Dehal and Manpal Singh Bhogal from the University of Wolverhampton in the U.K. recruited 180 heterosexual participants, 56 male and 124 female, 18 to 25 years of age. The researchers then showed each participant three fictional online dating profiles, each portraying a person of a differing degree of altruism. A highly altruistic profile featured listings of charitable activities and volunteer work while, at the other end of the spectrum, a non-altruistic profile had more of a me-me-me narrative. A moderately altruistic profile was somewhere in between.
Each study participant then read through three different messaging threads, with each representing a different altruism level as well. The highly altruistic person’s messaging thread tended to discuss things like volunteering while non-atruistic threads were more about partying and such. Moderately altruistic message threads had more of a balance.
The participants then rated each fictional person on a five-point Likert scale as to how much they liked the person. They rated how desirable the person would be for a short-term relationship and for a long-term one, based first on the profile alone and then on the messages alone.
Both the non-altruistic dating profiles and non-altruistic message threads came in last in romantic desirability. Not being giving enough probably gave out the wrong vibes.
The highly altruistic profiles and messages fell into second place. The moderately altruistic profiles and messages occupied the top spots regardless of whether the participants considered them for short- or long-term relationships
The difference between a maintained image and reality
Does this mean you should tell your favorite charity, “Sorry, I’ve got to cut down my work with you because, you know, gotta get more dates?” Should you set limits on how many people you assist each month and say, “I would help you off the floor but that would exceed my monthly quota?” Not necessarily. The message of the study isn’t that you should be more of a bad boy or bad girl.
There can be a big difference between being a good person and telling everyone how good you are, just as there can be a big difference between being hot and telling everyone how hot you are. People may indeed want someone kind and charitable, but not necessarily someone who seems to be bragging about it or casting it as a central identity.
Chances are, you’ve run into people who tell you what saints they are, how empathic they are, how much they want to help people, and how much they want to change the world for the better. Hearing so much talk about their kindness could be a kind of turn-off and reminiscent of Shakespeare’s “The lady [or gentleman] doth protest too much, methinks” (Hamlet).
It might be preferable to let people’s actions speak for themselves, to inform you how kind and altruistic they are, rather than have their words do so. Telling you how good they are could make you wonder why they feel the need to convince you, or themselves.
Ultimately, it’s no surprise that the actions of people do not always match their words. Meanwhile, some of the most charitable and helpful people do their good deeds quietly, seeking little external validation. Altruism is part of their internal makeup. Finding such people in the dating pool can seem like finding a product that’s not being advertised.
