You and your guy have been together for a while. You’ve met each other’s friends, you’ve spent holidays together, and even traveled together. Yet, he isn’t moving the relationship forward. How long should you wait for him to figure out what he wants? Whether he wants a relationship with you — a serious one. The truth is you’re asking the wrong question.
The question you want to ask is: “Is he worth waiting for?” Sure, you like him and find him attractive, but are you ever going to get what you want? Long-lasting, soul-satisfying love doesn’t just show up because you’re willing to wait to see if his behavior will change. If he wants a relationship with you, there will be signs. Even if the relationship he wants is a little ways away. You don’t know if or when this man is going to step up for you. But you don’t have to remain in the dark.
Here are seven signs he wants a relationship with you someday, but not now:
1. He spends most of his resources (time, energy, and money) on other people
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You can always tell what and who is essential to a man by how he spends his resources. Everyone is limited by time, money, and energy. So, spending most of his resources on other people in his life but not you can be a significant warning sign.
You may have made the relationship super convenient for him in the beginning. You teach people how to treat you. When you met your boyfriend, you showed him what was and wasn’t acceptable behavior. It could be that he was looking for some companionship, and you went along with his desires, leaving your needs and wants unfulfilled. If your boyfriend is spending most of his time, his money, and his energy on something other than you, you may want to cut your losses and move on so you can find a man who is a much better match for you.
Research published by the Journal of Psychological Science shows that those who reported more boredom in their marriages reported less marital satisfaction 9 years later. But you don’t need to accept that staleness as your norm. Putting in the time—even just 4 hours a week—helps keep it going strong. Just a little bit of effort goes a long way.
2. He doesn’t talk about being exclusive
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In your current relationship, if you’re wondering, “How long should I wait for him,” you’ll want to note how your boyfriend communicates about the future with you. Does he share what your life together will be like when there is a more profound commitment between you? Does he make plans for the future with you, like a vacation, a concert, or tickets to the theatre?
A man who wants to claim you and take you off the market will ask for exclusivity. He will show you his intentions by discussing aspirations with you and making plans for the future. These discussions have to lead to execution so that after a couple of years in the relationship, you ought to have a treasure trove of memories and photographs of the two of you and your lives together. If he is all talk without follow-through, you may be with a man who thinks you’ll settle for the hope of a future without actually creating one with you.
Research by The Gottman Institute suggests that when someone readily makes plans with you, it can be a strong indicator that they are ready for a committed relationship, as it demonstrates a willingness to envision a shared future and invest in the relationship beyond the present moment. This is often linked to a concept called “future orientation” in psychology.
3. He’s only introduced you to select friends
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Has he introduced you to his friends, his co-workers, and family? Are there photographs of you in his home? Does he spend Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and your birthday with you?
A man in love wants to show off the object of his desire. He’ll introduce you to the people in his life that are important to him. If you are segregated to only spending time alone with him and not with the other people close to him, then your concerns are warranted, and it’s time for you to think about moving on.
4. He doesn’t keep all of his promises
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As you consider whether to stay or go and wonder how long you should wait for him, you’ll want to pay close attention to whether or not he honors his word with you. Does he show up at your place to take you out on time? Does he follow through on the dates he arranges for the two of you? When he agrees with you, does he honor it?
Suppose he is constantly making excuses for why he cannot follow through, or he is always asking that you be understanding and take a backseat to all his other commitments. In that case, it’s time for you to evaluate whether you are his priority.
5. He’s not always on the same page with you about the future
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You can wait for him to step up, but your wait isn’t worth it if you aren’t on the same page about what you want from life. Long-lasting relationships don’t just happen. Life will inevitably bring you challenges, and it is much easier to navigate those challenges when you are on the same page.
Are you clear about what is important to you? Do his actions show you that he shares those values?
It’s great that you feel good with him, that you feel loved by him, and that you are compatible. The problem with feelings is that they change.
The Romance Stage of a relationship inevitably leads to the Power Struggle Stage. You can’t avoid it. But you can navigate it more easily when committed to putting the relationship first.
Look over your past together and see if he has shown you through his actions that he wants the same life you want. If you find that his actions haven’t indicated that he wants what you want, then you should consider moving on.
Research published in 2021 by the Frontiers in Psychology indicates that sharing values and goals with a partner is strongly associated with higher relationship satisfaction, as couples who align on fundamental beliefs and aspirations tend to experience greater connection, intimacy, and stability in their partnership. Studies show that couples with shared values report better communication, conflict resolution, and overall relationship quality.
6. He lets some of your non-negotiable needs go unmet
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This is the lynchpin because only you can tell if you’ve gone into sacrifice. By asking yourself, “How long should I wait for him,” it’s possible you’re feeling angry and resentful which is a key signal that you’ve given up your needs for too long.
Your needs have likely gone unmet for so long that it feels par for the course. Have you tolerated the situation so long that you’ve made it very convenient for him?
Your needs are a manageable list of everything you desire in a relationship. Instead, you can separate your needs from your wants because needs are not negotiable.
However, wants are. You need to know the difference between making requests and asking for what you need and cannot do without. I think communicating with your boyfriend authentically will allow you to see how he responds to your request for things to change.
If he can make the changes you require, that would be great! It would help if you considered staying in a relationship with him. However, it might be time to throw in the towel if he is incapable or unwilling to make the changes you desire.
Research published by the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy indicates that when individuals feel their needs are met within a relationship, they experience greater relationship satisfaction, improved well-being, and a stronger sense of connection with their partner. Conversely, unmet needs can lead to frustration, dissatisfaction, and potential relationship conflict.
7. He’s a sunk fallacy
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The sunk cost fallacy is when you continue doing what you’ve been doing because of a previous investment of resources (time, energy, or money), even though the cost outweighs the benefit. Stated that just because you’ve invested time and energy into this relationship doesn’t mean you should continue if it does not meet your needs.
You may dread having to end the relationship and start dating again, but that discomfort doesn’t outweigh the fact that the relationship doesn’t appear to be going anywhere. He won’t suddenly wake up and realize he should show you how important you are to him.
His behavior shows you who he is and what is important to him. Instead of worrying about how long you should wait for him to get his act together, could you ask what you want and see if he can deliver it?
Nothing is lonelier than being in a relationship that isn’t working for you. Ultimately, only you can decide to stay or go. Just ensure you aren’t sticking with your current boyfriend because of your time together.
The sunk cost fallacy in relationships shows that people tend to stay in unhappy relationships when they have invested a significant amount of time, effort, or emotional energy, even if the current dynamics are not fulfilling, essentially clinging to the past investment rather than considering the present situation and potential for better alternatives, according to research by the APA.
How long is too long to wait?
Love isn’t a mystery. When you like someone and want to be in a committed relationship, you don’t have to complicate things.
A natural flow to a relationship happens when the two of you are clear about what you want and able to communicate about the relationship. Things get complicated when one or both of you aren’t sure what you want. It’s perfectly okay to take time at the beginning of the dating process to discover who someone is and if you want to make a more profound commitment.
Going slowly at the beginning lets you discover if you two are a good match before committing too profoundly to your heart. Approaching your relationships more consciously is more likely to get you the type of relationship you truly desire.
Once you commit exclusivity, the relationship should move toward a deeper level of commitment. If it doesn’t, you may want different things from life and the relationship itself.
Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” They’re the authors of the free ebook, “7 Steps To Soulmating,” which can be found on their website.
