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How many times a day do you use the word “stress”?
“My boss is so stressful.”
“My boyfriend is stressing me out.”
“My family causes me so much stress.”
Do you engage in stress competitions at social gatherings, share your stress with friends or family members, or have a “stress story catalog” ready for every occasion?
Let’s pause and ponder: Is constantly talking about stress benefiting you?
Life stress vs. self-generated stress
Life comes with built-in stress, such as Illness, accidents, heartbreak, and other unavoidable hardships. Feeling stressed or anxious when hit by one of these dark forces is natural. No one could blame you for feeling stressed.
But stress in relationships is uniquely different. Unlike stress caused by external hardships, stress in relationships is frequently self-generated and fuels attitudes and outlooks that can damage intimacy. However, understanding and addressing this internal cause of your stress can bring a sense of relief and hope. Without this understanding, you may cycle through the same problems repeatedly. You change partners, jobs, or homes, but stress follows you (see “Personality Traits That Damage Relationships”).
Unresolved mental tension often creates stress in relationships
Unresolved mental tension is the most significant generator of stress in relationships. Rather than confront a troubling issue with your partner, you ignore it and let it fester. In other words, stored-up mental tension builds like a pressurized container. It can erupt in disruptive physical symptoms, such as free-floating anxiety, headaches, sleeplessness, hypertension, paranoia, or panic attacks (see “Where You Store Stress in Your Body and What It Means”).
At the root of internal mental tension is conflict. Here are two familiar dynamics:
- You’re in conflict with yourself: You are making choices that aren’t good for you, but you can’t help yourself. For example, you may overeat to soothe your anxiety or engage in other self-destructive behaviors. This battle with yourself increases mental tension and often appears in relationships as moodiness, confusion, procrastination, or indecision.
- You fear conflict with others: You avoid addressing troubling behaviors in your relationships because you’re afraid that voicing your concerns would damage the connection or lead to abandonment, retribution, or punishment. Fear of conflict often results from childhood trauma, PTSD, or attachment issues. As a result, you engage in denial, accommodate your partner, or sacrifice your own needs to keep the peace. Which all adds up to—you guessed it—more mental tension.
Attitudes that increase stress and anxiety in relationships
If unresolved conflicts produce mental tension, triggering destructive behaviors, psychosomatic reactions, and free-floating anxiety, the next stop on the stress train is toxic attitudes. Here are five signs to look out for:
- Constant complaining: You’re never satisfied and always find more to worry about.
- Storing up resentments: Grudge collecting and blame weigh you down and turn you into a martyr.
- Self-neglect: Are you putting others’ needs above your own, neglecting your own well-being?
- Isolation: You withdraw from the world and avoid social contact.
- Controlling behavior: You attempt to control your partner rather than discuss troubling issues (see “Do You Have a Controlling Personality?”).
How to quit causing stress in your relationships
In my weekly therapy groups, we focus on reducing stress and anxiety by developing skills that release mental stress, such as healthy communication, boundary setting, and authenticity. Healthy communication is a key tool in these efforts, helping people feel connected and understood. People gather in my office to challenge themselves, learn new skills to process conflicts productively, and avoid storing up mental stress.
Group therapy is one of the best ways to develop these skills. Other tools include:
- Practice asserting yourself: Not all conflicts are unhealthy. Asserting yourself can relieve stress and improve intimacy.
- Communicate any discomfort: Express your discomfort as soon as possible. Share your anxiety so that your partner can understand you better.
- Explore the internal fears that generate tension: In my weekly therapy groups, we explore sources of mental stress, such as trauma or PTSD. Understanding yourself better helps you make choices that are healthy for you and your partner.
- Engage your partner in problem-solving: Don’t isolate—problem-solve. Talk out your concerns, and you’ll grow closer.
- Develop self-soothing strategies: Whether meditation, exercise, or creative outlets, these strategies can help you manage your stress and anxiety. By releasing physical tension, you can also release mental tension, giving you a sense of empowerment and capability.
As Buddhist peace activist Daisaku Ikeda asserts, peace in your relationships starts with a humble and honest dialogue with yourself. Taking a personal inventory of your mental stress and resolving it will help you feel more grounded and empowered in your relationships.
