Last week, we discussed “Five Lessons You Learn When You Take Off the Blindfold,” the first part of this two-part series on the Netflix show Love is Blind, where two people meet, find love, and get engaged without ever seeing their beloved’s face.
This week, we continue to examine how the couple’s experiences on the show—and at the reunion—can teach us about the psychology of falling in love and staying in love.
1. Looks matter in a relationship—but only at first.
Hannah and Nick fell in love sight unseen. The two are no longer together in part because former professional football player, Nick, took a ride on a ceramic duck on their vacation — but that’s another story entirely.
Hannah is beautiful. And curvy. And a few inches taller than the average reality show contestant.
Hannah took the first swipe at her own looks when she mentioned being insecure because “certain men” weren’t attracted to her.
Men tend to place more importance on physical attractiveness than women. Attractive people are thought of as more trusting, likable, and better able to do their jobs, commonly known as the Halo Effect.
Is there an advantage for attractive people who are looking for a committed relationship?
Sure. But only at first.
Research shows that in the long term, qualities such as trust, mutual respect, and shared goals are more highly favored than mere attractiveness.
2. Jealousy is unrelated to physical attraction
Hannah and Nick will never win my vote for “most compatible couple,” but there were moments of light, love, and hope when they met and bonded over—well, largely over how much they both adored Katie.
And Katie appeared to adore Nick right back.
Hannah’s jealousy was more than understandable at the time of the initial filming as well as during the reunion.
Is jealousy the natural reaction to seeing your partner with someone attractive?
A 2022 study by Richter et al. examined 850 individuals and found that jealousy was most likely to occur in those partners with:
- Free-floating anxiety/a lower startle response (Neuroticism)
- An increased level of skepticism, assertiveness, independence, and competition (Low Agreeableness)
- A more conservative nature, preference for routine, and skepticism of new ideas (Low Openness)
Gender, relationship status, and previous experiences of cheating and/or being cheated on do not contribute to jealousy.
You can learn a lot by sitting on the couch watching people fall in “love.”
Source: Kool Shooters/ Pexels
3. Behavior that is in line with the person you want to be is appealing in a partner
Brittany and Leo both wanted love and to know where they stood financially in a future relationship.
They were honest and cautious, they both assured us.
But there was something off with their words and behavior — perhaps because what they were saying and doing felt ego dystonic (not in line with who they want to be) as opposed to being ego syntonic (in line with the person they each want to be).
Ego dystonic traits are wants, needs and behaviors that sneak past your superego (the person that you should be, the things you should do) and occasionally reveal hidden desires.
Leo spent a good deal of time about money and how unimportant it was to him, although he felt fortunate to be in his position. Despite the nice Rolex he is happy to show you any time you want.
His actions of showing off his watch and emphasizing the importance/non-importance of money both felt insincere. As if his words and actions were bouncing off each other, trying to see which one made the best fit.
4. People who cheat in one relationship are three times more likely to do so again in a future relationship
Relationships Essential Reads
Stephan and Monica seemed to have the perfect ingredients for a solid relationship: physical attraction, good sexual chemistry, and a focus on the future.
What could go wrong, except for that teensy tiny issue that Stephan had once slid into a woman’s DM’s behind his ex-girlfriend’s back.
But…that doesn’t mean anything, right?
A 2017 study by Knopp et al found that the relationship between past infidelity and future infidelity is fairly dependable.
- People who cheat in one relationship are three times more likely to do so again in future relationships
- People whose partners had cheated on them are twice as likely to report a future partner cheating on them
Common reasons for infidelity include seeking validation outside your own relationship, a lack of emotional connection in your current relationship/relationship dissatisfaction, and sexual dissatisfaction.
5. Respect in a relationship is key
Tim and Alex had a roller coaster of ups and downs, and no one was more confused than I was when the final straw was Alex taking a nap.
Tim and Alex had overcome a lot of obstacles in their relationship. During their honeymoon, Alex wanted some alone time, while Tim wanted more time together. Alex then put her hand over his mouth to shush him.
This was seen as what would later become the crux of their break-up: a lack of respect.
It should be noted that Tim is the only surviving child of his parents three children, and he repeatedly told Alex how happy he was to bring home a new daughter to his parents.
There is a lot that happened here, and I hesitate to go into the impact that the trauma of losing two sisters — and two daughters — must have had and still continues to have on Tim and his family.
And Alex had big shoes to fill.
A few hours after Alex met Tim’s parents, Alex excused herself for an hour to take a nap, because she had worked the previous night and gotten up early in the morning.
This was Tim’s final straw.
Tim told Alex and the rest of the country that their relationship had ended because of a respect issue, presumably what he experienced as a lack of respect from Alex for Tim and his family.
What are some signs of respect in a relationship?
- Your partner actively listens to you, without judgment or frequent interruptions
- Your partner values your opinions even though they are different than yours
- Your partner is gentle and respectful even in their criticism
Conclusion
Love is hard.
Love where you are competing with your roommates, under the strain of isolation from your loved ones, a limited number of possible mates, and a time crunch constructed by more producers than you know what to do with feels like it would be nearly impossible.
We all want to believe that love at first sight is out there.
