What Is Considered Cheating, Exactly?

Let’s set the scene: you’re having a great day with your partner, and then it happens. You catch them secretly watching porn, find out they’re keeping in touch with an ex, or discover a dating app on their phone. Suddenly, the good mood drops and your stomach’s in knots as you both fight for your point of view. The night ends in painful disconnection. 

Most couples don’t talk openly about fidelity or faithfulness because it’s uncomfortable. It can be awkward and scary! We don’t want to bring up negative, loaded topics because there can be a lot to unpack. On top of that, there’s also an unspoken assumption that our partner should just know what we’re OK with, and that we view loyalty the same way. But when we avoid these conversations, misunderstandings happen. That’s where things can quickly go south. 

Relationships come in different types of configurations (monogamy, monogamish, swinging, polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, open), which makes defining cheating a unique challenge. Ultimately, infidelity exists on a spectrum. To know where we stand, we have to openly share our needs so we don’t cross any lines. So, let’s break down what counts as cheating—plus how to tackle this tricky but crucial conversation.

So What’s Considered Cheating These Days?

We generally think of the most common definition of cheating as having sex with someone who isn’t your partner. But the truth is, there’s no universal rule about what counts as cheating. Cheating comes down to what you and your partner decide is off-limits together. This could range from flirting to having sex, and even the degrees of that may differ. 

Let’s take flirting as an example. For one couple, cheating might mean having deep, late-night conversations with someone you find attractive; for another, it could be intimate dancing with people at a festival to receive some type of sexual interest or validation. Some might not see either of those instances as a big deal. Complicated! 

As a relationship coach, I always encourage my clients to have conversations about boundaries as soon as they can. What qualifies as cheating will resonate for different people, and what you individually and collectively determine is a breach of trust.

How to Determine What You’re Comfortable With 

Before you talk to your partner, it’s important first to define where you stand so you don’t compromise on your important values. Here are a few exercises to walk through:

• What type of relationship makes you feel secure? Identify what safety looks like in a relationship. Are you a die-hard monogamist or does an open relationship meet your needs? Be honest about what paradigm works best for you. Throughout my personal journey, I read books, spoke to my therapist, talked to my friends, and played around with relationship models with different partners.
• What are your dealbreakers? Think about the things you absolutely can’t tolerate. What smaller behaviors would hurt you and lead to disconnection? What behaviors are completely innocent for you? What makes you question your partner’s loyalty and what is disrespectful? We’re getting to the granular but trust me, it’s better to spell it out.
• What do you consider emotional cheating? Sometimes, emotional cheating can hurt more than a physical connection. Pin down the behaviors, whether that’s hanging out with someone their type or keeping in touch with people they could have feelings for. Underneath the behavior, is there a connection being made that can grow into something romantic? Are they seeking something in that connection that they’re not receiving in the relationship? 
• What do you consider physical cheating? Are you OK with your partner sleeping in the same bed with someone else? How do you feel about them holding hands? Is dirty dancing a dealbreaker for you? If you’re in an open relationship, is it them not telling you they’re having sex with someone new? Get clear on the physical boundaries that are non-negotiable.
• What can your partner do to make you feel safe, in real life and virtually? Get clear on the actions that can solidify trust and reassurance. Would you like your partner to be transparent if someone shows interest in them? Do you want them to not follow Instagram models? When is it appropriate to take down dating profiles? How do you feel about pornography? What actions would hurt you and break your heart? What’s forgivable and unforgivable?
• What are your values around trust, loyalty, and respect? Knowing your core tenets will help you understand how you want to show up in a relationship. It also helps you clarify the standards you hope your partner will meet.

Once you know where you stand on these, it’s easier to have an honest conversation and ensure your relationship is built on what matters most to both of you.

Talking Boundaries with Your Partner 

Now here comes the next part–actually having the conversation and saying the quiet part out loud. Despite how awkward it might feel, this is a beautiful moment to tap into the imaginative part of your bond to collaborate on your relationship’s foundation. 

The right time to bring up this conversation is when you’re developing real feelings, thinking about exclusivity, or figuring out what kind of relationship you both want to enter into. As you’re having the “What are we?” talk, it’s the perfect moment to dive into what loyalty looks like. 

If your relationship has already progressed past this point but you want to clarify things, try bringing up the topic in a natural, low-pressure moment. Maybe there’s a scene in a TV show, or your friend is going through something similar that relates to fidelity. Use that as a jumping-off point. If you can’t find a casual moment, no stress. Just slide it into a relationship check-in when you know you will have the time and space to dig into it.

• Approach the conversation with spaciousness, not accusations. Be vulnerable, open, and calm about your boundaries and why it matters to you. You can also bring up past experiences that color your perspective, the baggage you might be bringing into the dynamic, and anything you’re working to heal.
• Be ready to listen to their side too. Remember, this is a bi-directional conversation. It’s essential to know what you need, but they have a perspective and needs as well. Being open to hearing each other’s thoughts and feelings creates reciprocity as you negotiate on what’s right for your partnership. 
• Create clear agreements with flexibility. Once you’ve talked through your boundaries, agree on what’s off-limits and the consequences if those lines are crossed. Using examples can help clarify what’s considered out of bounds, almost like a little role-play to make sure you both understand.
• Know what’s yours and what’s not yours. This conversation can stir up insecurities—some your partner can help with, and others that are yours to manage. Understanding this distinction is hugely important, so you can self-source security within yourself without making your partner responsible for certain things you need to heal internally. The goal is to create trust, not possession so your partner remains a partner instead of a crutch.
• Agree to trust. After getting clear on the boundaries, trust each other to live life and know they won’t bend the rules or go outside of the limits. 
• Commit to ongoing conversations. Relationships evolve, and so do boundaries. New situations might pop up that need addressing, so don’t just stick to what you agreed on in the past. The conversation is dynamic and will shift. Think of these conversations as an open invitation you can always step into again. 

Staying True to Your Principles 

Honoring your needs and non-negotiables isn’t always easy in relationships. When you love someone, it’s tempting to compromise and neglect your authentic needs to prioritize your partner. But when you let go of your core values, you let go of who you are too. Relationships are ever-evolving, and staying true to your principles helps you stay anchored to yourself, and find deeper intimacy with your partner. 

A 2023 study shows that cheating hits hard in relationships. Research across 160 cultures found infidelity is the number one reason relationships end, and betrayal trauma can take a massive toll on both people’s emotional and mental well-being. 

No matter how beautifully you design the relationship, perfection doesn’t exist. If one of you has crossed the line, deciding whether to break up or not is nuanced. Is the love there and can trust be rebuilt? What led to the infidelity, and can that be meaningfully addressed? Sometimes, infidelity can be a portal to explore and repair deeper issues–if both partners are willing. Other times, cheating shines a light on deeper discontent and incompatibility that can’t be ignored.

Keep in Mind

When the boundaries are crystal clear, staying in the safe zone and honoring your relationship’s agreements becomes easier. If not, things become a confusing, gray area that will inevitably end in hurt feelings and sometimes, irreparable repair.

Commitment is the highest form of love. We all deserve to be fully chosen and to comprehend the weight of what that means. What counts as cheating is unique to each relationship, shaped by the relationship’s shared values, goals, and boundaries. By having open conversations, you’re protecting your relationship and revealing you trust each other with your true selves, hearts, and innermost needs.