What Don’t You Understand?!
Source: Fizkes/Shutterstock
Infertility is a journey woven with longing, pain, and countless layers of complexity. For many daughters, it brings a deep desire to seek comfort from their mothers—a longing for empathy, shared strength, and understanding. Yet, instead of solace, some encounter old wounds, misunderstandings, or even emotional distance. Infertility reshapes not only future hopes but also the present, impacting identity and relationships in profound ways. This experience introduces what can be seen as a “third individuation” phase—a pivotal stage in which both mother and daughter may need to redefine their roles and expectations if they hope to maintain a meaningful connection.
In The Effect of Parenthood on the Adult Personality (Das Gupta, 2024), I explore how the pursuit of parenthood catalyzes this profound individuation process in adulthood. This transformative phase challenges individuals to move beyond familiar roles and view each other anew—as adults navigating shared, life-altering experiences that reshape their identities and their bond. Infertility, in this sense, becomes a crucible for change, pushing both mother and daughter to see each other beyond the roles they’ve known.
Navigating a New Relationship Dynamic
Consider Lily, a woman going through IVF who yearns for her mother’s understanding. When she opens up, hoping for empathy, her mother instead focuses on potential dietary issues. “Why is she talking about my peanut allergy?!” Lily laments. This moment illustrates a common disconnect, where mothers may revert to old roles—such as problem-solving—while daughters, seeking comfort, find themselves feeling misunderstood. In the face of infertility, familiar dynamics often falter, revealing gaps in understanding that can leave both sides feeling alone or unseen.
Speaking Up and Setting Boundaries
Infertility also demands that mothers and daughters rethink their connection by speaking openly, respecting boundaries, and clarifying evolving needs. For mothers, this means learning to step back from the impulse to “fix” and instead offering presence and emotional support. For daughters, it requires the courage to express new needs—often a request for empathy without advice—and to set boundaries that allow for personal space in handling their journey.
Take Sarah, for example, who recalls her mother’s comforting presence in childhood, always there to protect and reassure her. But as an adult facing infertility, Sarah feels frustrated by her mother’s impatience and pressure to “move on.” Their relationship now requires recalibration, with Sarah needing to voice her desire for emotional support without unsolicited advice. Her mother, too, must learn to honor this boundary, offering compassionate presence instead of solutions. This evolution, while challenging, creates space for each person’s growth, enabling a relationship that acknowledges their individuality while maintaining their bond.
Creating Space for Open, Nonjudgmental Listening
One of the most healing gestures a mother can offer is simply to listen—openly and without judgment. This type of presence allows each person to feel seen and valued, fostering mutual respect and trust. In such moments, there’s room for vulnerability without the pressure to resolve emotions. For the daughter, knowing her mother can hold her pain without trying to solve it brings comfort. For the mother, practicing nonjudgmental listening is a way to honor her daughter’s experience, embracing her as a fellow adult navigating her own path. This act of listening builds a bridge across the gap, providing both with a shared space of empathy.
Guided Relaxation and Nervous System Co-Regulation
Shared relaxation practices, such as guided meditation or simply sitting together in silence, can foster a calming connection, especially when tensions arise around infertility. Through co-regulation, where one person’s calm can positively influence another’s, mothers and daughters create a shared sense of peace. Research shows that co-regulation has calming effects, reducing stress and building emotional resilience (Porges, 2003). Engaging in these practices activates the parasympathetic nervous system, grounding both mother and daughter in a shared calm that fosters empathy and patience during challenging conversations.
Guided relaxation allows both to feel more grounded, and it can be an effective tool to employ before approaching potentially difficult topics. Whether they practice deep breathing, sit together in mindful silence, or listen to calming music, these moments of shared relaxation help them build a stable foundation of calm. From this shared space, difficult emotions feel less overwhelming, allowing them to navigate challenging conversations with greater patience and openness.
Setting Boundaries With Compassion
Boundaries are essential to the individuation process, allowing both mother and daughter to honor their needs while staying connected. Reflecting on what topics or interactions are supportive versus triggering helps each person communicate boundaries respectfully, keeping the relationship safe and nurturing. For daughters, setting boundaries might mean expressing when certain topics feel overwhelming, without guilt or blame. For mothers, honoring these boundaries means focusing on presence rather than advice, fostering a space where connection thrives without unwanted pressures.
Infertility Essential Reads
For Sarah, setting boundaries means finding ways to let her mother know that she needs emotional support without practical solutions. For her mother, it means respecting this request by being present in a way that acknowledges Sarah’s needs as an adult. By establishing these boundaries with compassion, both mother and daughter maintain a relationship that feels safe and free from judgment, reinforcing the sense of trust and empathy they share.
Reconnecting Beyond Infertility
Shared activities outside of infertility conversations can also strengthen the mother-daughter bond, providing a space for connection that isn’t defined by the fertility journey. Participating in shared interests—such as cooking, gardening, or even a simple walk—can shift focus from stress to shared joy. It allows both to remember the love and support that underlie their relationship. These small moments of connection serve as reminders of their bond, helping both mother and daughter enjoy each other’s company without the weight of expectations or unresolved emotions.
When Lily and her mother spend time cooking together, they find themselves reconnecting on familiar ground, with laughter and shared memories. This shared activity brings a natural flow to their relationship, allowing them to connect in ways that transcend the challenges of infertility. These joyful, lighthearted moments create new memories that reinforce the depth of their relationship beyond the immediate struggles they’re facing.
Embracing Growth Together
By embracing practices of open listening, guided relaxation, compassionate boundaries, and shared joy, mothers and daughters can navigate the complexities of infertility with empathy, trust, and resilience. This period of growth offers both the chance to redefine their relationship, turning it into a well of mutual strength—not despite life’s imperfections, but because of them. Through this intentional connection, they come to see each other as fellow adults, each capable of profound understanding and change.
Infertility, then, can be more than a difficult chapter; it can become the ground for a bond that honors who they are now, rooted in shared respect, understanding, and resilience. As they walk this path together, mothers and daughters may discover a connection that doesn’t depend on familiar roles or expectations. Instead, it becomes an enduring partnership—one that acknowledges their individuality, embraces the fullness of their journeys, and celebrates the strength they find in one another.
