Every couple fights. Most of us were never taught how to handle conflict in a healthy way, but fighting doesn’t have to be destructive; it can actually bring you closer together. You’re not fighting against each other. You’re fighting for the relationship. Let’s look at the mistakes most of us make during conflict:
- Fighting to Win: If your goal in a fight is to be right or to “win” the argument, you’re already losing. A fight isn’t a competition, and treating it like one will only escalate things. The moment you make it about winning, you stop listening to understand. Your partner feels unheard and defensive, and you end up further apart than when you started. Remember, the goal should always be resolution, not victory.
- Bringing Up the Past: This is a classic move in arguments: You bring up every grievance from the past to stack the deck in your favor. But rehashing old fights or digging up past mistakes only diverts attention from the issue at hand. It creates a laundry list of complaints that makes the other person feel attacked and overwhelmed. If the past issue has already been addressed, bringing it up again doesn’t help. Focus on the current problem.
- Shutting Down: Some people, when faced with conflict, just shut down. This is what’s called stonewalling, and it’s the emotional equivalent of slamming a door in your partner’s face. When you refuse to engage in the conversation, you’re essentially saying, “I’m not willing to work through this with you.” It leaves the other person feeling powerless and abandoned in the argument.
- Getting Defensive: Defensiveness is a natural reaction when we feel attacked, but it’s also one of the fastest ways to derail a productive conversation. Instead of addressing the issue, defensiveness shifts the focus onto protecting yourself, which means the actual problem goes unresolved. It’s a shield that blocks any real progress.
- Personal Attacks: When things get heated, it’s easy to slip into personal attacks. You go from addressing the problem to attacking the person: “You’re so selfish!” or “You never think about anyone but yourself!” These kinds of statements don’t lead to solutions; they lead to hurt feelings and resentment. The more you attack, the more the other person pulls away—and that’s how emotional distance grows.
So, how can you turn conflict into something that actually strengthens your relationship, rather than eroding it over time? Here are some strategies that have worked both in my personal life and in the lives of the couples I’ve worked with as a therapist:
- Listen to Understand, Not to Win: When your partner is speaking, your job is to listen, not to formulate your rebuttal. It sounds simple, but in the heat of the moment, most of us listen just enough to gather ammo for our next point. This is a losing strategy. Instead, focus on truly understanding what your partner is trying to say. Ask questions if you don’t get it. Clarify. Paraphrase what they’ve said to make sure you’re on the same page. This shows them that you’re engaged and genuinely care about resolving the issue, not just defending yourself.
- Express, Don’t Attack: There’s a big difference between saying, “I feel hurt when you don’t listen to me,” and “You never listen! You’re so selfish!” One invites dialogue; the other invites a fight. The key is to stick to your feelings instead of making accusations. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This helps your partner understand how you’re feeling without making them feel like they’re being attacked. The goal is to communicate how you’re feeling in a way that opens up space for understanding, rather than shutting it down with blame.
- Take a Time-Out if You Need It: Sometimes, the best thing you can do in a heated argument is take a break. If you feel yourself getting too worked up—or if your partner is starting to shut down—it’s OK to call a time-out. This doesn’t mean avoiding the issue, but rather giving yourself some space to cool down so that you can approach the conversation with a clearer mind. The trick to this is agreeing on a specific time to come back to the conversation. It could be 20 minutes later, or it could be the next day. But it’s important that you don’t leave the issue unresolved indefinitely. Let your partner know that you’re stepping away to regroup and that you’ll be back to finish the conversation.
- Own Your Part: No one is blameless in a fight. It’s easy to point fingers and place the blame on your partner, but real growth happens when you’re willing to own your part in the conflict. Ask yourself, “What am I contributing to this problem?” Maybe you’ve been short with your partner lately because of stress at work, or maybe you haven’t been as present in the relationship. Whatever it is, acknowledge it. Owning your part doesn’t mean taking all the blame—it just means being accountable for your contribution to the problem. When both people are willing to take responsibility for their actions, it creates a space for healing. It shifts the conversation from blame to problem-solving.
- Look for Solutions, Not Scapegoats: The goal of any conflict should be to find a solution, not to assign blame. Once you’ve both expressed how you’re feeling and listened to each other, the next step is to work together to come up with a solution. This might involve compromise, or it might involve agreeing to disagree on certain points. But the important thing is that you’re both working toward a resolution, rather than trying to figure out who’s at fault.
Conflict can be one of the most powerful tools for building intimacy, if you handle it the right way. When you approach conflict with the mindset that you’re fighting for the relationship, rather than against each other, you can actually come out stronger on the other side.
