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“You want to be single?” I said yes. And then I told her that I thought single was a stupid term. It made it sound like you were unattached to anyone, unconnected to anything. I preferred the term singular. As in individual.”
― David Levithan, How They Met, and Other Stories
The Dating Balancing Act: Work, Life, and Relationships
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I work with many twenty-somethings trying to navigate a dating scene that’s competitive, fast-paced, and often ruthless.
For these young adults, balancing the demands of work, daily life, and the pursuit of meaningful relationships can feel like a full-time job. While some friends are settling down—getting married and having kids—others are still swiping through dating apps, sometimes left feeling like the last pick in a middle school kickball game. Many of them report feeling embarrassed, ineligible, or even disqualified. Some are actively seeking serious relationships, hoping for that long-term connection. Others, however, are focusing on self-growth or career ambitions, placing relationships on the back burner. No matter their goals, many face the weight of society’s expectations around relationships, often leading them to feel as though their choices are constantly under a microscope.
When Questions Start to Sting
Whether by choice or by chance, single young adults often report feeling judged, shamed, or even damaged for not being in a relationship.
This social pressure can make navigating conversations about their single status feel daunting, especially when faced with well-meaning but intrusive questions like, “Are you dating anyone yet?” or “The clock is ticking—don’t you want to have kids?”
Building Your Toolkit: How to Respond with Confidence
In therapy, I use role play and psychodrama techniques to help clients formulate responses to these questions.
The key to answering depends on the source of the question, the perceived intent behind it, and any undercurrent of judgment in the tone. For some, a brief, polite response suffices; for others, a playful or heartfelt answer may feel more fitting.
If a question feels shaming or pressuring, a simple, direct response can help close the conversation: “I’d rather not talk about that right now,” or “I’m focusing on myself at the moment.”
A straightforward “I haven’t found the right match yet” can also work, offering just enough to end the exchange without further explanation.
Humor can also be a great deflection. A playful response like “I’ll be sure to send you a wedding invite!” keeps things light and often sidesteps follow-up questions.
Honest and Open: When Vulnerability Feels Right
When the question comes from someone close, and you sense genuine curiosity or support, it might feel right to respond more openly.
A vulnerable answer could look like, “I know you’re interested, but I feel a little pressured when this comes up,” which not only communicates your feelings but invites understanding from the other person.
Remember, your relationship status is a personal choice, not a reflection of your worth.
Whether you’re single by choice, circumstance, or a mix of both, it’s okay to protect yourself and speak up when needed.
Navigating these conversations with confidence, whether through humor, honesty, or setting boundaries, reinforces that being single isn’t a status to apologize for—it’s a chapter to embrace on your own terms. So next time someone asks, know that your response is your own, and that’s something to be proud of.
