How Dinner Parties Can Ease Your Social Anxiety

For anyone with even a little bit of social anxiety, November and December can be daunting months. ‘Tis the season for holiday parties, a winter Christmas, and the inevitable anxiety you’ll be experiencing with all the gatherings, Christmas gift-giving, and Friendsgivings you’ll need to attend. Happy holidays!

Let’s just take a moment and peer into the mind of someone with social anxiety, set to attend a holiday party. Inside, you’ll see mountains of nerves and anxiety piling onto each other. Worries about who will be there, how to make interesting and casual small talk—especially when it feels like you literally have nothing going on—and how to execute your escape when the vibes are off.

No matter how your concerns about socializing manifest, certain types of get-togethers are bound to be more daunting than others. So if you’re looking for a way to break out of your comfort zone, make some new friends, and leave feeling more socially competent than before, the dinner party might be right for you. I know it’s obvious, but eating homemade food with friends is a salve for the most savvy and nervous among us. Here’s why.

There’s Less Social Competition

You know when you go to a party and there’s the initial stress of finding someone you know in the room to talk to? And then once you do find them, you awkwardly make a beeline for them so you don’t look like a lost puppy? But then that overly chatty guy from college you don’t like that much gets there before you and suddenly you don’t feel like barging into their conversation. So now you’re back to wandering around looking for a group you can join, while internally, your anxiety is rising, palms are sweating, and you’re just thinking: why did I come here, again??

If you’ve been in this exact social situation once or twice, you might consider hosting a dinner party. It’s the ultimate occasion for those of us dealing with social anxiety, as it eliminates the pressure of finding someone to talk to or coming up with interesting convos beyond the age-old “how are you.”

Why We Love Dinner Parties (and Why You Will, Too)

Dinner parties are appealing to those with social anxiety because there’s no pressure, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. “Dinner parties remove the pressure or need to compete with extroverts. The conversations often involve people in the spotlight—as a storyteller, comedian, and entertainer—and those in the audience—as a listener, observer, or audience.”

She continues, adding that “both roles are crucial, as people with social anxiety can thrive in their ability to validate, actively listen, and engage with those more comfortable in the spotlight.”

There might be an awkward moment or two, sure. You can’t ever escape those. But it’s easier to manage than if you were chatting with a small group at a bigger party. That’s because the pressure to dissolve the tension is on the group rather than the individual. Anyone can hop in and change the subject.

Dinner Parties Allow You to Prepare 

All parties involve planning and preparation, but a dinner party is a slightly more formal affair that encourages more structure than your average house shindig. This structure can be appealing to people with social anxiety because there’s more opportunity to mentally prepare yourself for the event. 

“For example, maybe you could ask the host to bring a plus one or make sure you get seated next to the person you know best or are most comfortable with,” says Romanoff. “Knowing the structure of the meal or evening can also provide a sense of control and ease uncertainty-driven anxiety about how the evening will unfold.”

This applies to both the host and someone attending. One of the great things about hosting a dinner party is the control you have over who is invited. You get to curate the crowd to be full of individuals with personalities you expect and vibes you feel comfortable with. And if two’s a party and three’s a crowd, the magic of a dinner party is it never needs to be an overwhelming number of people. 

And Challenge Yourself Socially at the Same Time

Okay, circling back to getting out of your comfort zone. If you’re hosting a dinner party, I encourage you to challenge yourself a little and invite a couple of people you want to get to know better—not just people you’re already close with. 

Even if you’re not a host and just an attendee, there’s a benefit to attending a party where you only know a select few. Think about it: it’s easier to interact with new people when you’re seated next to or across from them for most of the evening. You won’t have to overthink whether or not you’re boring them or if they want to end the conversation and move on to another part of the room. They’re in a relaxed headspace, happy to get to know whomever the host chooses to put them next to. 

“People with social anxiety tend to shine in small group gatherings because they are better able to showcase their strengths,” Romanoff explains. “They can make other people feel heard, validated, and seen. This requires the use of strong active listening skills, being authentic, and infusing the space with positive energy.”

If You’re The Host, There’s Safety in Your Own Space

Even if you invite multiple people you’re mere acquaintances with, you still retain some control of the situation when the gathering is held in your own home.

You get to set the vibe by selecting the playlist, the candle scents, and the food being served. You don’t have to worry about where the bathroom is or if an unfamiliar dog is going to jump on you all night.  

“When you have total agency over the factors of the party like picking the guest list, serving your favorite meals, playing your ideal party music—you can enjoy a party completely by your design,” Romanoff says. “Rarely do you have the ability to control so many factors of a party—and when you are hosting you can customize the experience exactly to your liking.”

Naturally, there is certainly added stress when it comes to planning and cleaning up but, more often than not, guests are eager to help or do some dishes before heading home.

Then when all is said and done, even if you’re feeling exhausted from the evening, all you have to do is head right to bed.

Dinner Parties Let You Take Breaks

Whether you’re the host or an attendee, dinner parties afford people the opportunity to take breaks.

“It’s easier to take a moment for yourself and to recharge at dinner parties—either by going to the bathroom, getting some air outside, checking if help is needed in the kitchen, or simply by focusing on the food and eating,” Romanoff explains. “You can inhabit many different roles at a dinner party beyond ‘guest’—such as cook in the kitchen, [a pseudo waiter] passing out the food, or helping set up the table.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by intense conversation or the general energy in the room, sneak into the kitchen and wash a couple of dishes as a little meditative activity. You’ll have a clearer mind and a cleaner house, which will help avoid the post-party stress of cleaning.

And if doing the dishes isn’t your thing, you can always excuse yourself to the bathroom or go sit in your bedroom for 10 minutes for some cool-down time. No one will mind, and if the party is going well, they probably won’t notice either.

What If I Get Stressed Out or Overwhelmed While I’m the One Hosting a Party?

I’m going to give it to you straight: hosting a dinner party can lessen your social anxiety but there are bound to be moments where you feel a little stressed or off your game—and that’s totally normal! Should this occur, there’s no reason for it to throw off your night. Instead, try one of these therapist-approved ways to handle it.

Create an Anxiety Game Plan—Seriously

As a general rule for psychological preservation, Romanoff suggests preparing for moments of anxiety. “Do as much prep work ahead of time so you don’t get flustered in the moment,” she recommends. “This could mean labeling and laying out all the cookware so you don’t have to worry about finding it, or preparing as many dishes as you can ahead of time so you just have to reheat them during the party.”

Hit Up Your Besties for a Helping Hand

If the work required to host a party starts to feel stressful, don’t shy away from asking for help—people love to help!

“Know where you might need more help, whether it’s with food preparation, decoration, bringing people from one room into another, or entertaining people with a great story. Don’t be afraid to ask people to help with what you need,” explains Romanoff.

Plan for a Couple of Emergency Exits If Needed

Hosting is no easy matter—it takes a lot of physical and mental energy to check on guests and the vibe of the party. So, remember to give yourself a break. Plan a few emergency exits ahead of time so that you can take a breath and check in on yourself as needed.

“For example, if you feel trapped in a conversation or are juggling too much, you could say ‘I need to check on dessert in the oven’ or ‘I think this playlist is about to end, I need to go change it’ or simply state ‘excuse me, I need to check on something in the other room’ (no explanation necessary),” says Romanoff.

Regulate Your Nervous System

Sometimes you just need to tap into those tried and true anxiety reduction tools to get yourself through the night. Romanoff suggests:

• Focus on your breath: There are so many breathing practices, from the 4-7-8 technique to belly breathing, that regulate your parasympathetic nervous system and get your anxiety in check.
• Change your body temperature: Try splashing your face with cold water or washing your hands.
• Ground yourself through your senses: Focus on naming five things you see, hear, feel, touch, and taste in the moment.

Remember, There Is Only So Much You Can Control

What if I feel anxious or have a panic attack during my party? Did something go wrong with the cooking? Did you accidentally say something you perceived as embarrassing after having one more glass of wine than you thought you should? Did you forget the name of one of your friend’s new boyfriend and now you are riding out the rest of the dinner in shame? 

Nope, stop right there. Your guests or host friends will be delighted by the evening and the effort you put into it, even if things don’t go exactly as planned. If you’re a naturally anxious person you’re inevitably going to overthink everything, and that’s OK.

Take a deep breath and work on cultivating some trust in yourself and your ability to be an interesting and engaging person and party guest. A couple of things might go wrong, but it’ll be alright. And if not, it makes a good story for the next party, huh?