A few years ago, a friend of mine looked me directly in the eyes and asked, “Are you from another planet? If so, that would explain a lot of things.”
When I didn’t reply, she went on. “You haven’t a clue about cooking. When I tried to teach you how, you sliced three fingers. When you try to parallel park, it’s a noisy spectacle. You don’t know how to turn your television on because it has several remotes. You are always too cold or hot because you can’t figure out layers.”
Her tone wasn’t critical. It was amazed. She was wide-eyed and exuberant, as though she had just realized the laws of gravity or the origin of the species.
I suddenly remembered when, many years ago, my mother’s friend, a noted graphologist, analyzed my handwriting. “I have never encountered anyone with such a strong aversion to domestic or daily chores,” she said. I thought about other aspects of my life. It’s a societal dictum that you shouldn’t discuss politics, religion, or sex at a dinner with others. I loved to discuss those three no-nos. In fact, I generally avoided mainstream ideas about what we shouldn’t or should do, and found marginal ideas and people more interesting.
When it came to home decor, I collected Outsider Art — generally done by people who have no formal art training — because it spoke to me on a level that had nothing to do with trends and commercial value. I also collected prison art. I volunteered in a juvenile facility for about six years and was agog at the inmates’ creativity.
“Maybe I am from another planet,” I told my friend who first suggested the idea.
We are living in an age where many people proudly proclaim that they are non-binary, neurodivergent, differently abled, epicene. Some don’t identify with any political party, live off the grid, are born in other countries or cultures, struggle with little-known disorders, defy stereotypes, refuse to be stigmatized because of mental illness, talk candidly and openly about what it is like to live with depression, schizophrenia, or obsessive-compulsive behavior.
“So, what’s wrong with being an alien?” I asked Catherine Nobile, a licensed New York Doctor of Clinical Psychology and Director of Nobile Psychology. I was half joking, but she replied quite seriously. Her answers, below, were intelligent, sensitive, and empowering.
- It’s natural to feel out of place, especially when personal values seem at odds with cultural norms and expectations. This experience can be isolating, but there are ways to navigate it with self-assurance and curiosity.
- It seems like what is happening here is cultural incongruence—a sense that personal beliefs, values, or ways of relating are different from those that surround you. By accepting this feeling without judgment, you will be able to disengage from potential shame. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” When your identity and values don’t align with the prevailing culture, it’s perfectly valid to feel out of place.
- Rather than viewing your differences as something to be corrected, it can be helpful to see them as an essential part of who you are. In humanistic psychology, self-acceptance is considered central to well-being. Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of “unconditional positive regard,” which means accepting yourself fully, even the parts that feel “alien.” This self-compassion can give you a foundation of inner stability, regardless of how well you fit into cultural norms.
- Even when you feel different from the mainstream culture, it’s possible to find connection with others who share your core values or perspectives. This idea is known as congruence — aligning yourself with people or spaces that feel authentic and validating. If you find your values resonate more with certain communities, ideas, or interests, investing time in those connections can help bridge feelings of isolation.
- Approaching cultural differences with curiosity, rather than resistance, can help you cope with feelings of disconnection. In psychology, this is related to cognitive flexibility, which involves being open to experiences and seeing things from different perspectives. Trying to understand the culture around you without forcing yourself to align with it can provide some emotional distance, allowing you to observe rather than feel overwhelmed by it.
- Reflect on how your values shape your worldview. Writing down or reflecting on what matters to you most can help clarify your purpose and reinforce your unique identity. As Carl Jung once wrote, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” Grounding yourself in these reflections can be reassuring, even when your values diverge from the majority.
I began asking friends of mine if they ever felt alienated from the culture around them. None were shocked by my question. A few said they never felt they belonged. One burst out laughing and said “I always felt like an alien. I was waiting for someone to ask.” The more I thought about it, the stronger my conviction that it’s perfectly okay not to conform to the mainstream on our planet Earth. Perhaps the planets some of us come from embrace different ideas about what matters and have unique ideas about what enhances individual or group lives.
Thank you, Doctor Nobile. And Vive la différence!
