Breaking intergenerational trauma and harmful family dynamics is incredibly difficult, at least according to IU Health psychiatrist R. Andrew Chambers, who argues that there’s no “black or white” solution to ensuring everyone feels heard. Oftentimes, there’s a generational disconnect over trauma where parents and adult children harbor different perspectives or attitudes about the experience of their childhood.
Navigating these relationships comes down to one overly simplified commitment to empathy. Taking accountability doesn’t mean admitting to being a bad person; it simply means you’re committed to validating the emotions of your adult children. For parents, there are signs that you were a better parent than your kids give you credit for, which might help you validate your emotions and move forward without resentment.
Here are 10 things signaling you were a better parent than your kids give you credit for:
1.You allowed your kids to play in shared spaces.
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As a study from the Journal of Architecture, Design, and Domestic Space argues, families are being forced to accommodate the growing materialism of toys and activities at growing rates today with “toy rooms” and separate spaces in their homes for children to play. However, a few decades ago, the space where children tended to play indicated their comfort levels at home.
Coined “living room families” in modern online discourse, children who were given the freedom and space to play in shared spaces, like a family room, were more likely to feel a comfortable sense of connection with their siblings and parents compared to children who were expected to entertain themselves in their bedrooms.
Even in a digital age — an entirely new experience many parents in previous decades were forced to navigate with their now-adult children — families that gathered to watch television together or play video games in a shared space were more likely to reap the benefits of connection and support at home, according to a 2018 report titled “Parenting For a Digital Future.”
2.Your kids are fiercely independent.
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There’s a tricky balance between being lenient with your kids and ensuring they’re looked after when you’re not around, but the most important thing is that they’re supported. By letting your kids experience discomfort, independence, and problem-solving independently, you set them up for adulthood — in ways they can’t learn with an overbearing parent.
Of course, physical and emotional support from parents early in life is essential. According to a study from Psychology and Aging, it often has an impactful association with an adult child’s mental health in adulthood, but ensuring they learn critical thinking skills and autonomy is equally influential.
3.You feel like you communicate well with your family.
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Even if open communication sparked conflict in your relationships at home, whether between a partner or a child, being communicative at home is incredibly influential for children as they navigate adult relationships and connections.
According to the “Handbook of Parenting and Child Development Across Lifespan,” the quality of parenting that children receive early in life, from communication styles to self-regulation, dramatically influences the health and well-being of adult children. Seeing their parents argue or feeling pressured into open discussion as a child might’ve been difficult for many to experience. Still, much research suggests this open communication style helps them build healthier and more trusting connections in adulthood.
4.You admit to making mistakes and learning from them.
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Like the author of “The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year,” Armin Brott suggests, making mistakes as a parent can teach your children that perfectionism isn’t healthy and that errors are meaningful and impactful for personal growth.
It’s impossible to be a perfect parent, especially amid the chaos of life and responsibilities, and making mistakes is always inevitable. They may have hurt your children or impacted their perception of you, but at the end of the day, “the only way you’ll become a competent, confident parent,” as Brott argues, is by making mistakes.
Kids are resilient. If you can validate their emotions surrounding a mistake you made, take accountability when necessary, and openly talk about it, there’s nothing more you could’ve done to mitigate their hurt.
5.Your kids feel like they can talk openly to you.
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Even if you made a mistake, said the wrong thing, or sparked a negative emotion in your kids, their ability to communicate that to you says a lot about your parenting. “It’s usually a sign that you’ve set a boundary,” Brott told Business Insider about effective parenting, “stood your ground, and enforced a consequence when it was broken.”
If your kids can effectively communicate their hurt to you, even in response to something you’ve done, you’ve led by example. You taught them that it’s okay to advocate for yourself, set boundaries, and have open discussions about difficult emotions and topics—even if it isn’t entirely comfortable.
6.You tried your best.
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As relationship coach Stacey Martino explains to parents of all ages, you aren’t born knowing how to parent. In many cases, parents are forced to realize that they’re “not great at it” right from the beginning. All that you can do for your children is to do the best you can, even when you’re navigating their transition into adulthood or having conversations about their negative experiences from childhood.
If you were committed to what matters — loving your kids, emotionally and physically supporting them, and listening to their concerns — the rest comes with time. As long as you tried your best, experienced growth as your kids grew older, and were open to taking accountability for mistakes when they happened, nobody can expect you to “be perfect.”
7.You try to understand your kids’ emotions and feelings.
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Research from “Child Development” reveals that parental pressure can significantly affect a child’s psychological well-being, intentional or not. From depression and anxiety to social withdrawal and struggles with social connection in adulthood, pressure-driven parenting tends to manifest as a “transactional relationship” where kids feel unsupported.
As Harvard graduate and parenting researcher, Jennifer Breheny Wallace suggests, a “so what” attitude is the opposite attitude many parents unknowingly adopt to support their children and help them prioritize their emotional well-being. Instead of focusing on their material things or academic accomplishments, you make space for more personal things—like asking, “What made you laugh today?” instead of “What did you learn?”
Parents who see their kids as human beings rather than someone they control or watch over make space for their true identity to shine and grow — rather than pressuring them to fit a specific mold or reach certain expectations to prove themselves worthy.
8.Your kids come back to visit you.
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As psychologist Dr. John Townsend argues, family dynamics will inevitably shift as children grow into adults, leave their homes, and embark on their life journey away from their parents. While this new independence and identity-shaping journey can be rugged for many parents to accept — taking a hand off the parenting wheel — it’s a sign of successful parenting, not a rejection of their upbringing.
Even if you have arguments or disagreements, your kids’ tendency to come back and visit you or even call you to ask for advice and chat is a sign that they miss you and value your presence in their lives. Even if they’re not actively reminding you that they care for you and appreciate your parental sacrifices, this gesture of time and energy is profound.
9.Your kids ask you for help.
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If your kids respect you enough to vent about their struggles or even ask for advice, that’s often a sign that they view you as a pillar of guidance and support. If you didn’t give them that space growing up or criticized them for expressing negative emotions as a kid, they wouldn’t rely on you for it in adulthood.
Psychologists like Judith Tutin know how parent-child relationships shift like this as kids move into adulthood and provide helpful reminders to parents giving advice.
Many parents struggle to view their adult children outside of their childhood identities, so it’s important to always respect a request for advice rather than giving it out unprompted. Ensure that you ask questions like “What do you need right now?” or “Would you like suggestions?” before giving out advice, and always respect their answers.
10.You agree to disagree.
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As children grow into adults, they’ll inevitably meet people with different perspectives, attitudes, and values. Still, how they treat those differences can say a lot about how they were raised. If you could create a judgment-free environment centered around communication at home, they’re likely more comfortable around people different from them.
Even if the person they disagree with is you, that’s a testament to their freedom to develop their ideas and perspectives. They can accept that there’s not necessarily a “right and wrong” in life — treating other people with the respect they were given at home to explore and embody their beliefs.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News and entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health and wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.
